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Relationship of 2 years, falling apart?

M

mav3r1ck

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Feb 25, 2008
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I found this forum searching for how to cope with a significant other with a mental disorder

I've known my boyfriend for years, and we've been together for 2 years this week.

When I first met him, I knew he had been in and out of mental institutions and such, but he seemed to have risen above all of that.

A couple years later, we started dating and I never saw serious signs of any mental disorder.

He told me that years before he had been diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder and was on tons of medication for it, including lithium, lexapro, and anti-psychotics. With therapy, he said he eventually overcame all the symptoms he had. He kept his doctor's number on hand, but otherwise hadn't taken anything or seen a doctor since a couple of months before we got together.

I'm in Denver, finishing my semester of school until I go back to Boston where he is in May.

We've been apart since the beginning of January, when I came to Denver. A couple of months before I left for Denver, he had mentioned to me that he felt symptoms of his disorder coming back. I attributed it to excessive stress, being that in those months I had been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and he was my main support.

I'm afraid its probably worse than I imagined....

I've joked around about seeing other guys while I'm in Denver to "keep up my chops," and fairly recently he seemed to start taking it seriously. He went on, telling me about how whatever happens, happens, and that if I want to see other guys thats whats going to happen and its ok and that I should. That doesn't seem too weird, but in combination with a couple of over things...

Ever time I've mentioned flying to Boston to see him, he says something along the lines, "you should save your money" or "are you sure you don't want to come see me when the weathers better."

I had gotten the idea to visit him over St. Patrick's day, which is a big deal in Boston. I told him about it, and he seemed generally for it (not exactly excited, but not against it). I request the time of from work, and tell him I'll be booking my ticket next week. He tells me, "why do you want to come? I'll be at bars since I'm finally 21" (I'm 19). Of course, I'm pretty hurt by this and tell him so.

So from all of this, not surprisingly, I began to feel unwanted. It wasn't that I felt he wanted to break up with me, but a girl needs a little reassurance.

Out of this came a pretty major discussion about us and him. He tells me he thinks his falling into a relapse and doesn't want to hurt me. He apparently wants me to get out before he hurts me by saying something from his "other side." He actually told me I could date someone else, and he'd be around after when he was out of his relapse, waiting for me. He says he can be mallacious, and feeds off hidden resentment he has towards friends and family, but he doesn't have any towards me so he doesnt know what will happen (???). He says he doesn't want to break up, that he loves me so much, but then mentions maybe taking a break. He repeatedly says he doesn't know. He made it absolutely clear he doesn't want to break up-- but he does wish I could just completely 100% forget about him, as if "we" never happened.

So now I don't know what to do or think! I told him I'd do whatever he needed, he just needed to say the word, and until he said anything, I would continue as I normally am. I'm going to still go to Boston over St. Patricks day unless he asks me not too. I'm still going to call him throughout the day to say hello, unless he asks me not too. I'm still going to continue in our relationship as I have for the past 2 years, unless he asks me not too.

Should I wait for him to ask something of me, or should I act on my own? Or should I stay by his side, regardless of what he asks? He told me that maybe this is a false alarm and I'm really hoping it is.

I just want to do what's best for him...

From what he's said his current symptoms are:
1. sadness with no reason
2. concern over me and how hes going to affect me
3. nausea
4. voices, he says they're not coherent, as if a TV were on quietly in the next room
5. slight hallucinations, i.e. walls pulsating
6. fatigue

During my worst bouts of anxiety, he was my rock. I don't know how I would've managed without him. I want to be the same for him, but I don't know if that's realistic or whats best for him.

Any advice?
:confused:
 
daffy

daffy

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Hi there and welcome to the forum. :welcome:

I hope we can be some help to you. As youve realised most people on here have either suffered or have someone close that has suffered from MH problems. Im not quite sure what to say in response to your post, as there is obvioulsy a great distance between you both. It does sound as thou the relationship has either reached the end or he wants you to feel free to move on and not be tied by his problems.

I agree that you should go to boston for st patricks day. Talk face to face to him and then youll get a better understanding of what is going on. I know when i am ill i dont want people around me cos i can be very verbally hurtful. It could be purely that he is afraid of hurting you


Take care:hug:
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Hi and welcome. I've moved your thread out of the Bipolar section into the friends, relatives & carers as it's a bit better spot for it.

I think if you feel your relationship is still on with this man then you have to go with it. But follow his lead. When we are ill, whatever part of the spectrum we are on, life is difficult for those around us. Often I withdraw during times of illness because I need to try and regain control of what I am and who I am and that is impossible with someone else around. A relationship is always two way and illness doesn't always make that possible.

He seems pretty self-aware and insightful about what goes on in his head and that's a really good thing. Take care of yourself through this time and good luck - we're here if you need us. :hug:
 
M

mav3r1ck

New member
Founding Member
Joined
Feb 25, 2008
Messages
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Hi and welcome. I've moved your thread out of the Bipolar section into the friends, relatives & carers as it's a bit better spot for it.

I think if you feel your relationship is still on with this man then you have to go with it. But follow his lead. When we are ill, whatever part of the spectrum we are on, life is difficult for those around us. Often I withdraw during times of illness because I need to try and regain control of what I am and who I am and that is impossible with someone else around. A relationship is always two way and illness doesn't always make that possible.

He seems pretty self-aware and insightful about what goes on in his head and that's a really good thing. Take care of yourself through this time and good luck - we're here if you need us. :hug:
Thank you so much.. this is really what I've been leaning towards doing. All of it came as a bit of a shock because I don't know much about the disorder.
 
D

Dollit

Guest
I know you're in the States but the Royal College of Psychiatrists (search engine) has some wonderful and practical fact sheets about a variety of subjects. I don't know if there's one about schizoaffective disorder but it would be worth a look. The RCP inform without scaring and all their stuff is checked over and over before it gets to the website so you can be sure that what you're seeing is genuine. :hug:
 
M

mav3r1ck

New member
Founding Member
Joined
Feb 25, 2008
Messages
3
I know you're in the States but the Royal College of Psychiatrists (search engine) has some wonderful and practical fact sheets about a variety of subjects. I don't know if there's one about schizoaffective disorder but it would be worth a look. The RCP inform without scaring and all their stuff is checked over and over before it gets to the website so you can be sure that what you're seeing is genuine. :hug:
Thanks, I'll check it out.
 
M

maudikie

Guest
You are only 19. I am sure you think that is fully mature, but you are still at an age when you have not become so - believe it or not!
You sound very fond of your boy friend, and it is your decision as to whether you want it to be a lasting relationship. If you don't, then I think in fairness to both youself and him you should break away.
You have taunted him a bit about other dates. that is the last thing that someone with a mental health problem needs. They need stability, and someone they are sure they can rely on. I am not blaming you - as I have said you are only 19.
I think it is important that you discuss the matter fully with him face to face, and it sounds to me as though he may be needing a little more medical support, so if it were me i should try to persuade him to see a mental health specialist again. He is also young, and it may be that as he has grown a little older he needs to have his medication reviewed,
I hope this has helped, and I wish you luck. Think hard, and the make your mind up one way or the other, rememering that his condition may be life long,and being a arer is a big comiitment. I wish you luck and happiness. Take care of yourself.:)
 
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