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Relationship OCD/Marriage worries

H

Honeybee12

New member
Joined
Sep 11, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Michigan
This will be a long story so if you are in it for the long haul I thank you.

First things first I am in therapy. I have extreme OCD/ relationship OCD/ depression. The usual lol.

so I always knew I had anxiety but I never had relationship OCD anxiety, this was something that didn’t develop until I met my current fiancé. Peter. When I met him I was just getting out of a serious relationship and didn’t want to date anyone.He had been obsessed with me for years I had found out but I didn’t notice him bevause I was dating someone at the time. He wasn’t my usual type. I normally dated personal trainer/model types (didn’t work out for a reason) Peter was overweight, nerdy and awkward. We honestly didn’t have a ton in common but he was so sweet and made me feel like a Star. He worshipped me and I never had that before.

This sounds terrible but deep down I always worried I could do better because he wasn’t my usual “type” I figured well he’s fine for now plus he knows I don’t want anything serious. Fast forward he gave me an ultimatum and I realized I did want to be with him. He had a really bad drinking problem in the first year of us dating and had gotten many DUIs. He would become aggressive when he would drink and would always accuse me of cheating on him. He was obviously insecure about our relationship just as I was but for different reasons. I had never cheated. Ultimately this led to him cheating on me with one of
My best friends. He was blacked out drunk and didn’t remember it but I found them together inside my house. He begged for me back for months and promised he’d give up drinking forever. During this entire time and before the cheating even happened I would go to therapy and complain about him. I would become obsessive. Googling 600 articles a day on “how to know if you are in love or not” “how to know if you should break up” I obsessed everyday over if I should breakup with Him or stay. Making pros and cons lists over and over. Never coming to a conclusion because the thought of being without him gave me just as much anxiety as staying with him. I would express to him my doubts and worries and it doesn’t surprise me that he was so insecure he ultimately cheated on me. He probably thought well if she isn’t attracted to me and can’t make up her damn mind ill get attention elsewhere. I still work with the girl he cheated with and I must admit to sucks to see her everyday. But ok fast forward, Peter has now been sober for two years and doing really well. We were on the right track. My feelings of OCD seemed to get better after he cheated on me actually because I was so devastated at the thought of losing “us” after I was like wow ok so I really do love him and want to be with him. Finally I felt certain. It was such a great feeling. He proposed, I said yes. Things were so great! He proposed in August 2019 and we were set to get married in July 2020. I wanted to get married as soon as possible. I remember looking at him everyday thinking wow I love him so much and I am so proud of him. I stopped drinking as much, I’d have drinks with friends here and there but never around him. He said it never bothered him if I drank Bc my personality didn’t change and it wasn’t a thing. Then covid hit. We had to postpone our wedding to next year. It was so devastating for me. I wanted to get pregnant right away and now that had to be put off too. I almost wanted to get married as soon as possible so I couldn’t change my mond

I thought “Is this a sign?” Is this god telling me we aren’t suppose to get married

I should’ve known my ocd would creep back in

everyday I kept thinking what if this is a sign we shouldn’t get married. What if this is the universe stopping it and trying to save me.
I started going out with my friends more and progressively getting more drunk each time.
I started thinking about guys from my past and even hitting them up. Thinking suddenly I have to get all this flirting out of my system just to “check” if I do love him
I became obsessive everyday thinking maybe if I met my true soulmate it would be easy Bc I would know and it wouldn’t be Peter.
I even kissed a few guys and would fantasize about leaving peter for them and how much better off my life would be. I’d be attracted to them and they would have more money or time or anything good I could escape from. I would google articles nonstop about knowing if you’re ready to get married and what if I cheat on my spouse (this became my new obsession) and just like that I was back deep in this OCD relationship hole. I would convince myself it’s not OCD and I’ve just been trying to force myself to love someone I don’t. But the minute I think of my life without him I become devastated. I told him about kissing another man. He actually wasn’t even that mad just disappointed and he wants me to also give up drinking but I don’t think it’s the alcohol because I would chat with guys online sober.

I know it’s my brain testing me. And some of the tests I’ve failed. it eats away at me everyday if I’m making a gigantic mistake everyday and I have to research nonstop about it but it makes me even more miserable. I pray nonstop that I will never have feelings for another person and only Peter forever. It scares me so much that I will just cheat on him full blown and be and in empty loveless marriage I can’t yet out of. He is so in love with me and attracted to me I have constant guilt that I am not attracted to him but I do believe I love him. We do have amazing sex and every part of our relationship is good so what the hell is wrong with me. I’m not even looking for reassurance because I know right now there isn’t any. I just felt the need to spill my guts. Any thoughts are useful. Thank you for listening.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
3,854
Location
England
Hello and welcome to the forum. I do not have OCD so I apologise if anything I say is unhelpful. I am wondering if part of the problem is your lack of physical attraction to Peter? You say your usual types are models so maybe physical attraction is something very important to you.

Have you ever had any therapy for your OCD? I think that could be very beneficial for you.

I just want you to know that you do not have to get married and just because somebody loves you it does not mean you should stay with them if you do not feel as much love. Love has to work both ways.
 
H

Honeybee12

New member
Joined
Sep 11, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Michigan
Hello and welcome to the forum. I do not have OCD so I apologise if anything I say is unhelpful. I am wondering if part of the problem is your lack of physical attraction to Peter? You say your usual types are models so maybe physical attraction is something very important to you.

Have you ever had any therapy for your OCD? I think that could be very beneficial for you.

I just want you to know that you do not have to get married and just because somebody loves you it does not mean you should stay with them if you do not feel as much love. Love has to work both ways.
Hello and welcome to the forum. I do not have OCD so I apologise if anything I say is unhelpful. I am wondering if part of the problem is your lack of physical attraction to Peter? You say your usual types are models so maybe physical attraction is something very important to you.

Have you ever had any therapy for your OCD? I think that could be very beneficial for you.

I just want you to know that you do not have to get married and just because somebody loves you it does not mean you should stay with them if you do not feel as much love. Love has to work both ways.

thanks for responding. I am in therapy and she knows I have severe ocd. I think I am going to start going in for intensive therapy like I used to. I know me being not super attracted has a lot do do with it but we have really good sex so I think I must be attracted to him in some ways. I love his personality and his heart. I just have obsessive worries about our future together
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
3,854
Location
England
I think it is really great you are going to try a more intense therapy. I am so sorry you are having these worries.
 
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