Relationship issues with partner with OCD

L

Lina1971

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Jul 15, 2016
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I'm in a long distance relationship with a man in the UK (I am in the US). He told me upfront he has OCD and sometimes panic attacks. For some background, he had a partner of 19 years who passed away last year suddenly, leaving him a stay at home dad with 2 kids. One month after she passed, he started speaking to me on FB and seemed to latch on to me big time right away. He told me he loved me after 2 weeks, that I'm the one for him, that we belong together, that he's never loved anyone like he loves me. And yes, we have met in person. Twice I traveled to the UK to visit him, once he's traveled to the US to see me. We started making plans to do a Visa so we could be together. Actually, he's incessantly pushing me about submitting for a Visa so he can move over here and get married. But over the past months, I've started to become increasingly worried about his behavior. He calls constantly. Texts constantly. Asks me over and over how I feel about him, if I love him - constantly needing me to reassure him. If I don't answer him right away, he freaks out. He writes me letters all the time, looks at my pictures over and over. We're not even married and he tattooed my name on him. He seems obsessed. He's been very jealous of my ex-husband too, and we've had countless arguments about him. He's very high-strung, stressed out and worried about every little thing. He barely sleeps (maybe 3-4 hours a night), drinks tons of coffee and smokes like a chimney. I try to get him to relax, reassure him, try to get him to go for therapy, etc. but I feel like it's absolutely exhausting and I'm finding myself feeling defeated and unsure about our future together.

He told me he's never been jealous before and never loved anyone like he loves me. However, I don't think he's properly grieved or gotten over his previous partner's death. I also think he's moved WAY too fast into this after her death. I'm very concerned about a possible future with him because I'm afraid he would be too controlling, jealous, needy, and insecure. Not only that, but he never seems to enjoy life. There's always too much to worry about. He has already told me on several occasions that if I left him, it would destroy him and maybe he'd kill himself. I'm thinking there could be some co-dependency issues there? Maybe some ROCD? I don't know. But I'm feeling very stressed out, pressured and scared. Can anyone provide some insight for me?
 
Kurtcobain93_RIP

Kurtcobain93_RIP

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Jan 13, 2016
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He sounds very controlling and i predict the same as you do about the future he would be needy and insecure. People here might disagree but i think its not ur fault if he chooses to kill himself so i wouldnt worry about that i would just leave him plus i think he is using that to control you amyway. Its definatly an unhealthy relationship you should avoid
 
J

JonathanHogi

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Joined
Jun 30, 2016
Messages
38
If you like him you need to be able to talk to him, communication is key. You need to be able to share your concerns & feel listened to. It is quick yes, but it is also quite powerful if someone kind is there for you when you are at your most vulnerable. Lots of what you're describing will be related to him experiencing loss, he's sensitized now to the idea very strongly. Thats a big thing to go through, especially with children.

It is hard to experience being out of control like that, he's now reacting by trying to feel he has more of it. So he's A: Trying very hard to make sure he's not losing you. By checking, constantly. And B: His brain is warning him of ways that you could be taken away, like your ex husband. Or if he doesnt show you he cares enough.

They are control issues, combined with him having a greater appreciation of caring for someone. The former is an issue, based on fear due to what he's experienced.

He needs to be in therapy yeah. He's been knocked by his experience & you're looking for stability. He needs to talk to a professional who can help him rebalance his ideas a bit. Your best solution is to try to talk to him & put this across in a caring but very clear manner in regards to what you need. Dont feel stressed, you are in a strong position. If he cares for you as he says he does, he will do what is needed.
 
M

Mrs. Chomp

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Joined
Aug 9, 2016
Messages
62
Hello,
This is my first day on this forum and the topic of your post caught my eye. I am not sure it will help you any, but I'll pitch in anyway :) i am married and have ocd. And i know long-distance relationships. The need to hear that you're loved over and over again is due to the fact that NOTHING is taken as certain by a person with ocd. You don't trust yourself to make good judgements, so what if you saw what you wanted to see and heard what you wanted to hear and not what your partner is really feeling and saying? (It's a feeling of hopelessness and fear). A person with obsessive thoughts has millions of them running through their head about all the possibilities of things being not what they seem (ie things are bad even though they seem good). Beings close to your partner can help with that because you see their behavior and its easier to fight those negative thoughts. Control also comes as a result of ocd, but it definitely puts a huge strain on a relationship that is supposed to be built on trust (obviously...). The partner without ocd should not let themselves be controlled, and not give in to absurd expectations (but also show that they do care, by for example texting first, randomly saying I love you etc). I wont comment on the rest, because him moving on is not for me to judge. I will say that long-distance relationships CAN work :) and a relationship can work if one person has ocd. But they need to realize that their control issues are due to ocd and not to you being untrustworthy.
 
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