Relationship hopes for rest of my life are actually zero !!!

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harsh-reality

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#1
I always try to take the option - I look at things from the viewpoint of half full as opposed to otherwise.

In society it is definitely the norm to be involved in a long term loving relationship - its never in my entire time on the planet that I have ever successfully managed to achieve.

I had a horrendous LTR many years ago and it did scar me terribly - she was a serial cheat - I do these days get some women friends - but I not attracted to any of them - as I seem to be the strong one with all the women I have known in recent times.

That's not a scenario I would wish - but it is the way a lot of my friendships have gone both male and female - I always seem to be the carer - I do know I would if it could happen that this scenario I would wish both ways but its never been an option with most people I know who been struggling much more than me with their mental health issues.

I never feel I attract the right person and it seems to be a self fulfilling prophecy.

I could not have the capacity to have had or even mentored children of my own and I came to terms with that years ago but meeting the right partner has been a fruitless search - I have given up completely of ever finding this set up in my time on the planet.

I am not young - I am 51 - I can attract decent people as friends but I have never met the correct person and seen as I have known a wide variety of people in my life - I am beginning to think I often seek something because it can be seen as to increase our happiness quotient - yet I am reasonably content as a singleton even if I sort of believe I am missing out on something magical.

I am not naïve enough to believe a relationship is all flowers and roses and I do know that every relationship needs working on but seen as all the relationships of people I know have had some kind of flaws which me myself would not wish but I don't want a type of relaitionship like I see with friends or family members of mine.

Can anyone relate to my ramblings here ??

I sort of believe I am missing something but I still am not sure what exactly it is that I am missing.

My belief with all people met before if I was in a relationship with them - my life would be significantly worse. I do miss regular cuddles etc but I have some nervousness of ever opening up completely to a partner again as my hurt from long since past partner still runs deep.

I actually currently assume this is my lot.

Does anyone else think like this ...

I am not particularly depressed currently and am coping with my mental health conditions well - but I assume I will never ever be in a relationship but long term I feel I probably should not be on my own.

It probably all sounds very stupid - but for my own benefit I have given up in my mind to ever expect a long term loving and positive partner...
 
A

AtYourService

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#2
I think everyone is better off With a partner. Life is complicated, but having a soulmate is great.One just have to sit Down and discuss have you shal make it work.

Kenneth
 
H

harsh-reality

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#3
Ok
I think everyone is better off With a partner. Life is complicated, but having a soulmate is great.One just have to sit Down and discuss have you shal make it work.

Kenneth
the
I think everyone is better off With a partner. Life is complicated, but having a soulmate is great.One just have to sit Down and discuss have you shal make it work.

Kenneth
Ok then how do you actually find that person - that's the scenario that seems beyond me...
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

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#4
Hi. Enduring relationships require a lot of sacrifice and a whole lot of forgiving by each partner. I don't know how people define long, I've been in one or two depending on the arbitrary number of years.

ever feel I attract the right person and it seems to be a self fulfilling prophecy
How would you describe the right person? Can you describe the right person for you, is there a criteria?

but seen as all the relationships of people I know have had some kind of flaws which me myself would not wish but I don't want a type of relaitionship like I see with friends or family members of mine
As you're aware, all relationships have bits that don't work properly all the time, everyone has problems of some kind in their relationships. What you perceive as flaws - some no doubt are spectacularly bad - most are normal in the sense that there is no human relationship that is without glaring inadequacies.

I sort of believe I am missing something but I still am not sure what exactly it is that I am missing.
I'm not sure. From what you mentioned, it's possible (I can't know) that your requirements for a partner are too idyllic to be met. Or, you're not prepared to accept the imperfect, untidy, fraught with risk proposition of a long term relationship having witnessed that flaws are in fact the norm. If it's the case, it seems you are self fulfilling the prophecy. What do you think?

Finally, you didn't once mention love. I'm not sure what this omission means so I'll ask, there are different kinds of love - what sort of love is important to you?
 
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harsh-reality

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#5
Love is the most important for me but also a relationship where support for each other is both ways and also someone that I am attracted to also.

I can find loads of people who rely on me - I tend to do this in all my friendships with people - but when I need someone its left to myself to deal with it - there is no one person I can consistently rely on as most rely on me.

I guess I have built up my life in recent years to include lots acquaintances but no real best friend as yet.

I know there needs be give and take - I guess the emotional fall out from previous relationship was so spectacularly awful that it seems I never wish to open myself up completely to anyone ever since..

I sometimes think it is more important in the coming years as both my parents are now elderly and I would prefer to have someone on board at this time.

I guess I have a few years to find them - but yes I do have to admit I miss the intimacy side a lot but to me still intimacy spells danger because it was when my mental health was at its worst and most raw ie she cheated a lot and my inabilities to hold down a job were particularly demeaned...

There s no rush and there s every rush. I guess I simply predict to a degree if it goes wrong its not something I could contend with but since the emotional fallout previously was so damaging - ended up in mental hospital five times over the course of that relationship - only was in once since... Not for many years now - I guess its seen to me as dangerous for my mental health.

But I see my parents and others I know in decent relationships and I do feel a sense of loss and lack in my life...

It would be lovely to have someone to check in and out with but the circles I mix in - there is no one at all I enjoy beyond nice friendship.

I guess though having this with several I know now is a positive so perhaps its the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow I wish for now - sounds idyllic but in many respects I cannot say to myself that I should give up completely on this - I perhaps should live for about a year with no real intention of finding anyone - and see where this takes me.

I am always in a rush to get to the next stage of my life - be it work or personal - my targets are often beyond me and I do know I very often create my own troubles and I have over many years been amazingly critical of myself and this is not a view many have of me but its been my view of myself.

I know I need to love myself more so I guess I really should focus on this for a whileas its an alien concept to me.

I berate myself constantly...

That will come across to others - I guess ????
 
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harsh-reality

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#6
Sometimes other people's issues can weigh heavily on ourselves.

I am taking time out from hearing many others woes in my life on a consistent basis. It can do me in at times. Such is life.
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

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#7
I guess the emotional fall out from previous relationship was so spectacularly awful that it seems I never wish to open myself up completely to anyone ever since..
I am sorry you got hurt when last you did. I imagine it's not easy to recover from.

It would be lovely to have someone to check in and out with but the circles I mix in - there is no one at all I enjoy beyond nice friendship.
Yes. That is my reality as well. Nobody in my social circles is a potential partner - and over time I have been intimate with a number of them, enough to understand my someone special isn't right in front of me.

I know I need to love myself more so I guess I really should focus on this for a whileas its an alien concept to me.
100% yes so, how will you begin the self-love campaign?
I berate myself constantly...
You, me, nearly all of us do my friend. The practice of self-compassion is accepting that we are sufficient - could be better but aren't, could be worse but aren't (thank heavens). And so the ideal shifts from superlatives like perfection to "the middle way" which better reflects our humanity.
That will come across to others - I guess ????
I honestly don't know. But I do think the reverse does: when somebody looks into your eyes and hears your voice rise as you speak truth and they are feeling you?
 
H

harsh-reality

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#8
I do attract some attention. but I generally kind and to some women who may not normally experience this - it comes across as interest. I had lots women friends - only one actual relationship - I had therapy - so I comfortable with women but some tend to equate way I come across as interest when its simply friendship on offer.
 

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