• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Relationship help

M

myster o

New member
Joined
Apr 11, 2015
Messages
4
Ok I apologize if this is just a small matter compared to others . Ok, I have been in a relationship for almost a year now. It started out ok. I tried to be really smart with the girl I chose. Lately this relationship has been hitting me very bad, just as others have in the past. I feel as if I am too needy and cannot get what it is I want out of my girlfriend, as if I just want to feel connected and close to her all the time. When I do have these feelings I tell her and i don't feel as if I get the reassurance I need and that she just gets frustrated. If she asked me I could go on and on about how much I love her, why is it frustrating to ask for someone to state their feelings for their significant other if needed. Anyways when this happens I also get very down on myself wondering if I am just asking too much and maybe I have unrealistic expectations or maybe I am just too needy and will always drive girls away because of it. Many times I know what I am doing is not helping but I can help but to feel I need more emotion in the relationship or something. As if something is missing. Advice would be great or at least to know I'm not crazy. I'm starting to think I need to break up with my gf for my personal well being but am scared because she is a great person and we share similar morals, also that I would be making a mistake. But I know I am hurting and don't know what to do. Much more I could say but I don't want to make this too long

Advice please and thank you

Bryan
 
katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
I think this is quite a normal thing to happen; you need reassurance, but your partner is shutting down a bit/getting frustrated when you bring it up. It sounds as though you both have things about your emotional wellbeing that you need to look at.

I would suggest that you feeling more confident within yourself generally will allow you to see maybe the signs your girlfriend is showing that indicates that she loves you - maybe those signs aren't reaching you right now because you feel in a low place. I'd suggest doing some things purely for your own wellbeing, maybe even finding a counsellor or a therapist or speaking to your GP. Then you can re-assess when you're feeling better, and you can be in a better position to know what you need from a relationship, and hopefully your girlfriend will respond more in a way that's beneficial to you both?

Hope that helps; I know it can be really hard when you're struggling in a relationship.

:hug1:
 
SarahD

SarahD

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2014
Messages
2,095
Location
UK
Hi again Bryan

I think jruth's comments are very useful.

However much we love someone, we are never going to be perfectly matched for everything. The need for reassurance is one thing that can vary a lot, and if your partner doesn't feel the same need or understand it, it can make things difficult. Some people feel if they say something once, that is enough.

This may not apply to you, but in the past I have had a similar problem, and I eventually decided that a lot of my need for reassurance was because I didn't have enough belief in my own value, so the feeling was not really just 'does this person love me' but 'am I worth loving', and at its worst 'how on earth can they love me'. And from there, the need for reassurance.

If this is what you experience, I would suggest that finding out why you have this lack of self value is a good way forward, and finding ways to build it up, maybe through counselling or therapy.

If I have got it wrong, I apologise.

Sarah
 
D

Dissatisfied

Guest
Hi Bryan - I'm responding you from two points of view, me being needy and then other's being needy with me.

I used to be very needy, I needed constant reassurance from my boyfriends, this happened after the honeymoon period, but what happened was that I was taking the fun out of the relationship, I became draining for my past boyfriends as they'd constantly have to reassure me. And if they got tired of this, I'd get wound up and start being argumentative and accusing.

When I realised I was doing this, after a long time of being single and seeing other people in relationships, I realised that being like this wasn't good - and I had to look at why I was like this, and realised it wasn't always because of the boyfriend I had, rather it was an insecure attachment style that I had developed from childhood.

Also, I learnt a lot from mindfulness, and I learnt that giving people freedom to be creates harmony, when you suffocate people and constantly put demands on them, such as demand that they constantly tell you they love you, then it creates a feeling of suffocation, emotional draining and then hatred towards you further down the line. We meet someone who at first is the answer to our prayers, and we tell ourselves, that we will be a perfect partner, and usually we are in the honeymoon period, then after this we forget this and we can ended up treating the person like something that belongs to us, rather than something precious.

When men have been needy with me, i've found it really suffocating and I don't feel free. I've felt trapped, and I don't find neediness as romantic or an act of love, i find it really draining and it's then when I start falling out of love with them.

I recommend, if your girlfriend means anything to you, then give her space. A mataphor I like for this is when you look at the moon you can recognise it's beauty. Our partners are like this. Then if you imagine thousands of moons in the sky, we will then not recognise the beauty of that one moon. We are like this, someone is most beautiful and happy when they are allowed to be free, when they have space around them. When they have this freedom, and not put demands of love onto them, then they will show you their love in their time which won't be forced or guilt tripped into, it will be genuine and true. If you are constantly demanding affection from her, and she gives you affection, then you won't be convinced of the genuineness of the affection.
 
M

myster o

New member
Joined
Apr 11, 2015
Messages
4
Wow! i think all of you guys have this correct. I definitely have some self esteem/confidence issues that I could work on. I will do as you say and try to do some things for myself and try to love myself. Dissatisfied, I feel like what you said is very very true. I definitely have attachment issues due to my mother not being very loving/affectionate. Ive had relationships in the past in which i have drawn my girlfriend away due to being too needy. I definitely realize this, but it can be hard to change. I know that I can't be needy all the time, but just knowing this doesn't always help. what were you able to do to change your neediness? need for affection?

thanks to all
you guys are great

BRyan
 
D

Dissatisfied

Guest
I stayed single for a long time, and reflected on where I had gone wrong, but I think I was needy as I felt I also had an insecure attachment style - on my first year of uni, we learnt about attachment styles and I resonated with the insecure one, so I learnt a lot from that. Then I've had needy boyfriends and understand how it would have felt like for them.

Then I went onto a buddhist retreat and they concentrated on freedom, the saying was 'a person cannot really be happy unless they are free, if you love someone then you must allow them to have their space, be who they want, allow them to have freedom.'
 
Top