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Relationship gaslighting?

H

Halfpint

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 2, 2020
Messages
55
Location
Ontario
I think there is something wrong with my marriage but everyone including myself says he's such a nice guy, but sometimes I don't think so, I mean I don't think he is such a nice guy.

I seem to find fault with everything he does, I don't like what he does, but I don't know if what I'm thinking is true. Do I really not like what he does? Or am I just saying that because I am blaming him for the exact thing I do also (them blame myself).

I think this all stems from getting all screwed up in my head because of gaslighting from a previous 21 year relationship. In my new relationship, I don't know if it's me or it is him. My feelings were never validated either by me or others previously, and I still don't think they are, so I don't know if they are true or not (am I so far gone I need others permission to tell me what I'm feeling?) If someone so much as defends themselves I think they don't value what I'm saying and then I blame myself for getting upset with them.

Is this the effect of gaslighting? How does one know the truth and without the truth how can one recover from that? Help!!! Which way is up???

Which half of half pint 🤪
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
5,083
Location
England
What a difficult situation you are in. It is difficult for us to know if you are being gaslighted a we do not know what is going on. Have you had therapy to deal with what happened in your previous relationship? It is very difficult to deal with 21 years of abuse on your own.
 
H

Halfpint

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 2, 2020
Messages
55
Location
Ontario
Thank you. Yes. Trauma therapy for 2 years not yet finished. Examples would be helpful, I will try:
1. I surprise my husband by getting him and my son a frosty. I know we can't go into an air conditioned place and it is 32 degrees with the humidex so I decided to find a place to park in the shade so the goodies don't melt so fast.
.. after pulling out of the drive thru.. response: there are no shady places to park.
.. yes I will find something
.. after 200 meters.. response: if you go all the way home we will have chocolate milk
.. just wait ok?
I find a shady spot by a restaurant after 1 and a half blocks, and as I'm pulling up
.. you can't park there, this isn't a parking spot
.. I reply yes but your frosty isn't melted and there is no one else at the restaurant at this time anyways and if someone comes along I'll move
No one says anything. They eat their frosties.

2. I frequently have ideas, and the immediate response is that it's impossible, there is no wish to discuss possibilities or how to render my ideas better, etc.

My son seems to engage in positive responses and discussion much more easily.

Maybe this isn't my fault... Hmmm I don't know.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
5,083
Location
England
It is good your son is more positive and can have discussions with you. I am sorry you are concerned about your husbands behaviour towards you.
 
H

Halfpint

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 2, 2020
Messages
55
Location
Ontario
Bpd2020 thanks again. Maybe I just don't want to blame him so that I don't create conflict, but the conflict still lives inside.
 
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