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Relationship ended - feel depressed and confused

R

Riviere

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Apr 29, 2020
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Bristol
Hello forum users,

I've stumbled across this forum when doing searches about bpd, I'm not diagnosed but my relationship ended seven weeks ago (he ended it) and since then I've struggled to cope-

He was a really kind, lovely man and I pushed him away with my behaviour, I exhibited alot of behaviours associated with fear of abandonment (testing, clinging, getting really angry, becoming increasingly controlling about him being with his friends the more fearful I got, would check his facebook/insta, wanted him to take care of me and would feel rejected/like he didn't love me when he refused)

He broke up with me and said he couldn't handle it, I since when abit mad and text him a few times saying that I missed him and that I was extremely sorry, I also got really drunk one night and text this random girl who I'd had suspicions he was speaking to (he wasn't, it was in my head).

I feel so embarrassed, alone and generally like an awful person, I feel I've lost someone really special and I don't know who I am anymore, I've always been a little emotional but never acted like that, although I did have a binge eating disorder for years and suffered with social anxiety. I've never self harmed though, although I've fantasised since the breakup about telling him I'm going to kill myself so that he would attend to me (I'd never do it),

I feel desperate and would like anyone's advice or input or just abit of support, since I don't have anyone to talk to irl.

Thank you if you read all that.
 
Alice Raven

Alice Raven

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Mar 3, 2020
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I'm so sorry you went through that and I hope you come through it all better, stronger and wiser.
I can empathize in that I was in the opposite role with a friend who did things that were very similar. For me, my friend's emotions were overwhelming, but I can now understand what he was going through. You're not an awful person. I understand that going through that is traumatic, but it seems like there are many resources that can help people who go through this.

I know that this is a dark time for you and I hope you can find support and guidance here and in your life.
 
R

Riviere

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Apr 29, 2020
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Bristol
I'm so sorry you went through that and I hope you come through it all better, stronger and wiser.
I can empathize in that I was in the opposite role with a friend who did things that were very similar. For me, my friend's emotions were overwhelming, but I can now understand what he was going through. You're not an awful person. I understand that going through that is traumatic, but it seems like there are many resources that can help people who go through this.

I know that this is a dark time for you and I hope you can find support and guidance here and in your life.

thank you for your kind reply - if you don't mind me asking, did you feel that he looked at you like a sort of caregiver/parent? what do you think the reason was behind his behaviour?

i hope so, i'm going to get therapy and just keep telling myself that eventually i will find someone else and be in a better position to have a healthy relationship.
 
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sab1978

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Just remember that you were doing your best with the level of awareness you had at the time. Sometimes, interpersonal distress can be so much for us, that we employ really dysfunctional coping mechanisms. This does not make you a bad person at all. It’s commendable that you’re getting yourself into therapy to better understand yourself and learn healthier coping mechanisms.

As for looking to him to be your parents and take care of you...I’ve been there. We so much want that external validation that we didn’t get properly as children. But if there’s one truth out there, it’s that you can only find lasting happiness if you find it from within...be the parent to yourself that you’ve always wanted. Be kind and compassionate with yourself, love yourself unconditionally.
 
R

Riviere

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Just remember that you were doing your best with the level of awareness you had at the time. Sometimes, interpersonal distress can be so much for us, that we employ really dysfunctional coping mechanisms. This does not make you a bad person at all. It’s commendable that you’re getting yourself into therapy to better understand yourself and learn healthier coping mechanisms.

As for looking to him to be your parents and take care of you...I’ve been there. We so much want that external validation that we didn’t get properly as children. But if there’s one truth out there, it’s that you can only find lasting happiness if you find it from within...be the parent to yourself that you’ve always wanted. Be kind and compassionate with yourself, love yourself unconditionally.
thank you very much for writing this reply, you have made me feel much better about what has happened. Yes you're right, i have put myself down so much since the relationship and i'm actually sick of it now, everyone makes mistakes and is human, i feel if i don't love myself anyway i'm just doomed to repeat the same behaviour, so being a better person essentially involves loving myself - i like what you said about being the parent I've wanted, and that it involves loving myself unconditionally.
 
S

sab1978

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thank you very much for writing this reply, you have made me feel much better about what has happened. Yes you're right, i have put myself down so much since the relationship and i'm actually sick of it now, everyone makes mistakes and is human, i feel if i don't love myself anyway i'm just doomed to repeat the same behaviour, so being a better person essentially involves loving myself - i like what you said about being the parent I've wanted, and that it involves loving myself unconditionally.
Reach out any time you want...we’re all going through the same stuff.
 
Alice Raven

Alice Raven

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thank you for your kind reply - if you don't mind me asking, did you feel that he looked at you like a sort of caregiver/parent? what do you think the reason was behind his behaviour?

i hope so, i'm going to get therapy and just keep telling myself that eventually i will find someone else and be in a better position to have a healthy relationship.
I don't mind at all. Yes, as a matter of fact, he did. Long story, short, we were friends in a group of friends for about six months before he declared feelings for me. He was definitely a lost soul, shy, awkward and he had a terrible, abusive relationship with his family. I am usually very nurturing and patient so I spend a lot of time with him, trying to be helpful. He interpreted this as romantic feelings towards him. He is assuredly not my type.

He alienated his family and our mutual friends and attempted to alienate me from mine. He saw me as both this mother/babysitter figure and some idealized lover figure. He went from shy to arrogant and sexually aggressive overnight, making unreasonable demands of my time and attention, my dress and behavior. He would flip his pancakes if I interacted with another male in his presence or if he learned of it. He tried to guilt me into caring for him and to be mothering, saying he would self harm if I didn't. In minutes, I could go from his angel savior to a demon along with some choice terms reserved for loose women. He would scream that I was the only one who could make him better/ make him a man/ heal him. He had unreasonable fears of me abandoning him. Ironically, it was this fear and the behavior he displayed that made it happen as he became clingy and smothering. I now consider him a stalker. I warned him repeatedly that I was not his type. I don't feel emotions very deeply and I'm very independent emotionally. I joke that I'm a cat in human form. This is the exact opposite of what would be good for him.

That's the long and short of it. I know his upbringing and current home situation is chaotic and violent and that his parents and brothers show similar behavior, drinking, emotional dysregulation, violence. I think he saw me as some replacement mother/caregiver along with some kind of wild love creature who would fulfill his teen fantasy fairy tale.

I saw some great advice by nukelevee on another thread regarding BPD. There are times where those with BPD feel things far more intensely than others and those feelings may not be accurate. And, it will take more work to find someone who is understanding and nurturing as well as more work to understand that what one is feeling may not be what is actually happening. It will also take work to process those feelings and find healthy ways to respond.

I hope you find comfort here and in your life and I wish you blessings and success in your journey.
 
W

Wanttofeelpeace5

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Apr 8, 2020
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New zealand
thank you very much for writing this reply, you have made me feel much better about what has happened. Yes you're right, i have put myself down so much since the relationship and i'm actually sick of it now, everyone makes mistakes and is human, i feel if i don't love myself anyway i'm just doomed to repeat the same behaviour, so being a better person essentially involves loving myself - i like what you said about being the parent I've wanted, and that it involves loving myself unconditionally.
Absolutely love yourself unconditionally . Sometimes we react in a way that seems like the right answer at the time . We have to belief and look after ourselves .. remember until we deal with our own scars we try to fix them by dealing with others scars .. we become safers but we need to start saving ourselfs . You sound like a beautiful person and deserve unconditional love . All the best dare you deserve to be loved by yourself first and foremost .., thankyou writing this also helped me .
 
S

sab1978

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Absolutely love yourself unconditionally . Sometimes we react in a way that seems like the right answer at the time . We have to belief and look after ourselves .. remember until we deal with our own scars we try to fix them by dealing with others scars .. we become safers but we need to start saving ourselfs . You sound like a beautiful person and deserve unconditional love . All the best dare you deserve to be loved by yourself first and foremost .., thankyou writing this also helped me .
This really hits home for me...the trying to save other people instead of myself.
 
wraziel

wraziel

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No puedo dar un consejo. I'm not the proper guy for that but...:abrazo:
 
C

Char3

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This situation has made you realise you probably need to get therapy, so really he’s done you a huge favour because now you are going to get the help you need to better yourself and your future. Don’t give up. Good luck xx
 
JaneChaos

JaneChaos

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Toronto, Canada
I get the feeling of desperation - a need for validation of your feelings and thoughts. I've been going through a separation from my husband of 20+ years myself and I've felt very desperate and done some very stupid things, which only made him pull further away. But I have done something awesome which I'd suggest for you to consider. I've found an amazing therapist and begun to work on myself. Right now, I feel like I can't be good for anyone until I figure myself out and how to be better for me. Easier said than done, of course.
 
T

Thelma27

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I agree with dab78 we hold the key to our own happiness I was in a relationship with a really great man but my behaviour and need for constant attention and reassurance ended our relationship I was very protective and filled jealousy if he was not at home on time I would phone up all his women friends and start swearing at them we are still very good friends but I have changed a lot since then I realise I don't need the love or reassurance of a man to be happy and I feel if someone can't accept your imperfections then the are not worth anyone time I am doing the same as janechoas
 
K

Kittylove

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May 13, 2019
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I just want to say that I know you're going through a tough time right now. Breakups can be hard and devastating. And when you're going through a hard time, we tend to try to keep whatever it is we are afraid of losing. It is difficult because your partner could have had their own thoughts which were out of your control. Try not to blame yourself. Don't go over what happened in your mind because you will drive yourself crazy. You deserve someone who is going to be understanding and who will work with you.
 
T

Thelma27

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Thank you kittylove you are absolutely correct I know that but I can't help but wonder if I am the problem because I feel I have such high expectations of myself that I feel often feel afraid that I am somehow going to mess up so I create situations to test the person intentions towards me and if I don't get the desired outcome I feel it's grounds to end a relationship and I will take on your suggestion on board
 
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