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Relationship disintegrating..long.sorry.

R

ruby

Member
Joined
Aug 4, 2009
Messages
6
Where do I start?

My husband hates me. He says that other wives support their husbands...let them have a life, and I don't. He's in the garden at the moment...just come downstairs after going up earlier to avoid being near me.

We've had a horrible few weeks. I hate that he works shifts and I'm alone so much, and now he told me yesterday that he's going to go on a course away for a few nights, and he'd like to go away with people from work on a drinking break...but he won't because I'd cause a fuss.

A bit of background...I found out three years ago that he'd spent our marriage (14 years to that point) going online looking for sex on 'adult' sites and chatting to lots of women, including one he intended to meet up with, although it didn't happen, but he spent one whole holiday telling me that he loved me and wanted to renew our vows whilst finding excuses to go off and text her. He also used to (and still does occasionally) hit me, which I always caused by going on at him.

As you can imagine I've struggled with depression as a result of this (not helped by losing out first child at one week old after exactly 1 year and 1 week of marriage). Last October I finally was referred to a psychologist for an initial consultation, but have not heard anything since, despite being told I'd get a referral within 6 months.

When I found everything he'd been doing, he started going to a domestic violence group, but now if I say anything he tells me I should be over it and I'm just nagging and controlling. Now he's told me he's going away on this course no matter how I feel and I'm ruining his life...other wives aren't like this.

He's right...I know he is...but I just feel so awful. I can't trust him...which means I'm controlling. All the other wives at work let their husbands go where they want when they want...and yes..I know...they do. But the women he works with are better than me too. They have a proper career...I gave up work to be a Mum, and I've struggled with depression so much that I can't hold down a job so I'm not as good as them (he's said he has more respect for them). I've recently started my own 'business' (hobby) which is actually doing quite well, but he thinks I should drop it when he's tired and needs me to cook because it's 'flexible' (which I suppose it is, it's a craft base online business, but it's real to me).

Am I wrong to not be able to trust him...am I controlling and a cow? I just feel so desperate, so depressed. I've been feeling worse and worse over the last few weeks...but if I say anything it's just...'oh that again' 'you're always depressed', 'you've always got that excuse'. I hate him, and I hate me, and I just don't see a future at all. I just want to curl up and have everything go away.
Sorry. I'm pathetic, and being selfish taking up so much space, but I've no-one to talk to. Sorry.
 
G

GrizzlyBear

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Sep 22, 2008
Messages
971
Where do I start?
He also used to (and still does occasionally) hit me, which I always caused by going on at him.
No, you didn't cause that. Please don't let yourself feel responsible. I know lots of women who spent (or still spend) their lives 'going on at' their husbands....but they don't all hit their wives.

But the women he works with are better than me too. They have a proper career...I gave up work to be a Mum, and I've struggled with depression so much that I can't hold down a job so I'm not as good as them (he's said he has more respect for them). I've recently started my own 'business' (hobby) which is actually doing quite well, but he thinks I should drop it when he's tired and needs me to cook because it's 'flexible' (which I suppose it is, it's a craft base online business, but it's real to me)
Mothering is a proper career. It is the most giving and responsible and wonderful thing to do - and one of the least acknowledged. Don't let anyone fool you into thinking you are inferior because you gave up work in order to be at home for your children. The world needs more mums like you. :flowers:

As for the other issues....I think troubled relationships can improve when both partners are committed to making things better. Maybe you can get relationship counselling as well as personal counselling for your own issues. And, hopefully, he will continue to get some support for his.
 
R

ruby

Member
Joined
Aug 4, 2009
Messages
6
Hi,
I realise I don't make him hit me, I didn't word it very well...that's what he tells me though sometimes. And to be honest, I can see him getting wound up, and I should stop, but when he doesn't listen to me or care about how I'm feeling, I just try harder to get him to see, he shuts himself off from me even more, and it's just a vicious spiral that ends like that sometimes.

We tried relationship counseling, whith was a complete disaster...the counsellor pretty much asked me outright why I'd want to stay with him and maybe we'd be better off splitting up, but I don't want that, I just want us to be happy, but I can't get over the things he did, or the way he thinks of me a lot of the time now, so I suppose it's my fault that I'm in this situation.

I'm just so tired of everything. Last week I was so excited about things in my life. I'd found a business a while ago that was for sale and it's something that has always been my dream to do. I'd got my hopes up months ago about it, planned everything, then got really depressed and just gave up on it, then a couple of weeks ago I realised it was still for sale, so phoned the agents to make an appointment, spent days looking into financing it and coming up with ideas for how to improve it, then he told me about his course and I've just hit rock bottom again. I get so excited about things, thinking I've got a future and I can do so much and everything's great, then suddenly things hit me and I can't cope, everything seems hopeless, me, my life, my marriage.

Sometimes he says I'm mental and I should pull myself together, get over what's happened and stop controlling him. Really I'm not trying to control him, I just want to try to get some control over what's going on in my life and stop the risk of things making it even worse. It's all just such a mess. I hate myself as much as he does.
 
KP1

KP1

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1,500
Hi Ruby,you've got plans and ambitions and thats positive.Why not try to chase up the counselling because that could help you.
Take care
KP
 
R

ruby

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Aug 4, 2009
Messages
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I've had enough. What's the point. He's just yelled at me in front of the kids,saying I'm a controlling freak, listing everything I won't let him do (not telling them why though!). My eldest daughter's strolled in an hour late after isnsiting she came back on time since she never does at the moment. I tell her she's grounded and get told I'm controlling by her too. Then the next thinng I know (by which time I'm upstairs in floods of tears (or turning on the waterworks to control things according to my husband, because obviously I'm not entitled to be emotional), her boyfriend and best frined turn up on thr doorstep and she's outside with them chatting and looking through the window at me when Icame downstairs as though she's done nothing wrong).
I know I'm lucky with her really, she hardly ever does anything that other teenagers do to wind their parents up, but I've just had enough today. I can't take any more. Everyone hates me, I just get in everyones way and stop them from being happy. What's the point
 
R

ruby

Member
Joined
Aug 4, 2009
Messages
6
And I'm sorry, I know the writings awful, but I don't care. Just another thing I do wrong
 
trombone_babe

trombone_babe

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Jul 15, 2009
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Take heart ruby, teenagers seem to be very good at slinging things at their parents that they've heard said by other people, like any excuse to say "it's not fair!" Like you say, she doesn't normally give you much trouble, I wouldn't read too much into it.
 
R

ruby

Member
Joined
Aug 4, 2009
Messages
6
I'm sorry. I know that there are other people here who probably have lives much worse than me, and are much more deserving of attention, but I really don't know where else to turn.

Tonight is the 18th anniversary of my husband and me meeting. It probably seems really stupid...it seems to have been to him today when I mentioned it, but it means so much to me. It's like a point to latch on to... the point when my life seemed perfect.

But today, all I've heard is how controlling I am again. and tonight, when I really could have done with his support...he's gone to bed. I run my own (sort of) business, and I need to be awake for another hour or so yet to finish things to get an order out in time at then end of the week. I've been ill for the last week, and felt so sick, but didn't feel I could let my customer down ( a big order). He's been on nights all week, so as usual, I don't sleep, but then he goes to bed and I'm supposed to carry on as though I've had a normal night, and then deal with this whilst he goes to sleep (and he does sleep, he never misses me not being there).

On top of everything, I suddenly got a letter today from the local psychology dept saying they were reviewing their waiting list,...saw that I hadn't seen by anyone since my initial assessment, and did I still want an appointment. I have to reply within the next 14 days or be struck off the list...after waiting since last October for them to get in touch. Does everyone want to be rid of me? I feel like such a joke.

I feel I should be celebrating 18 years of love and happiness today, but I'm sat here on my own,and I feel that no one would care if I just went out and never came back. I'm over 40, but all I want at the moment is my Mum and Dad to cuddle me and look after me (and yet to be honest, I'd hate that too...it would make me feel too smothered). I'm just completely crap and horrible aren't I.
 
R

ruby

Member
Joined
Aug 4, 2009
Messages
6
The stupid thing is, I felt great earlier. I'd been in floods of tears before when I was trying to cook us all a meal, I just couuldn't stop...it's as though everything was fighting to get out. Then later tonight, my daughters were home and we were chatting and laughing and I felt good. Then they went to bed, my husband came back in the room (he couldn't do with the 'noise'),and when they went to bed, everything came flooding back. I don't want to only be happy when my children are there... a couple more years and the oldest will be at Uni...then what?
 
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