relationship damage after depression

[Wynn]

ok - I know very well that the perceptions of someone when they're depressed can be very skewed. When partner was at his lowest, everything that i did or said was wrong, never enough and - in his eyes - calculated to put him down. The trouble is that now he has recovered he still believes all those perceptions that he had back then. Has any one else had this experience? He has said that even though when he talked to his counsellor about my 'hurtful' behaviour, his counsellor suggested that he was over-reacting and viewing things negatively, that he did not believe his counsellor and still does not. It has had a huge impact on our relationship. we have been together over 20 years, but I really feel that I can't go on sharing my life with someone who always views my actions in the most negative way that he can. Alright - I'm not perfect, and i am no angel - I get pmt like everyone else!, but I am not all devil either. My self esteem has taken a real bashing - i wonder if maybe i am that bad. i miss the person i used to know, who was caring and supportive. On the other side of his depression i am not sure that i know this man anymore, or - being brutally honest - that i want to.

 

[trainwreck]

hurting

you no what they say baby, you hurt the one you love, an thats what he is doing , your the nearest an you get the fallout .dont beat yourself up its the illness its not him. his the med,s he is on working ,or maby he need a med change.my wife is saint for staying with me , an its longer than 20 years ,she has never been abroad on holiday as i wont fly because the locked in feel . anyway my son said can mum come with us to turkey for a holiday, i said yes ,but it torn my heart out an i made life hell for her to the point she said she would not go, i made her go an hit the booze an meds bad an spoilt her holiday, i didnt mean it an it made my depression worse , i was hitting out at the one i love , because i was hurting an you say rotten things you dont mean ,that is not your man abusing you its his illness ,get it under control an he will be back.hope that helps a little

 

[Dollit]

People change over the years Wynn and sometimes we grow in the same direction as the people in our lives and sometimes we grow in different directions. The only measure I could take was that if my partner had been behaving the way he did towards me and he wasn't depressed or a recovering alcoholic would I still be putting up with his behaviour. And the answer was no. We'd grown apart and he'd grown resentful. The relationship (if it could be called that) had stopped growing long before I started to think about leaving and it took a long time to make the decision.

So put his illness to one side (difficult but not impossible) and ask yourself it that's the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Good luck and keep coming back.

 

[jamesdean]

Walk out the door Wynn, you deserve better, even when I'm most depressed I dont take it out on no one else. There is no excuse for his behaviour.

 

[trainwreck]

has any one thought she may love the man,she already said he was the sweetest person before his illness. is he cured , will he get back to his old self ,we dont no his side to this . if he is a bastard an she doesent love him leave if that is what you want. or if she loves him an wants the old loveing guy back.what is the answer only you no that one.

 

[saffron]

hi wynn
often I find that thoughts I have when depressed become deep rooted and it is very hard to change and look at things differently. I felt that what I really need is someone that will remain positive and calm even when I say things that hurt, when someone answers with 'you dont mean that' and changes the subject or helps me to refocus on something else, even a massage.
it is so hard for someone to know what to do when in your position and obviously you would like to see the old man back again, it will take time, unfortunately, one day at a time, maybe you could also remind him immediately that what he says is very hurtful, without causing an arguement, and then reasure him that you love him and give him a cuddle. (even though you may feel deeply hurt at the time, i know it will be hard) bbut what he says is based on preconceived thoughts when he was at his worst and thosse have stuck. Im not sure if im making sense here. sorry.
Dont give up on the one you love, unless you really feel you will be happier or you can not help him anymore.
go and ask your gp if he can give you some information on how to help him. there are techniques and way of reacting that you may be a ble to follow.
I feel your pain.
S

 

[Wynn]

Thanks everyone - you are such a caring lot.

Saffron - yes, I did try all of those things when my partner was depressed. I smiled and hugged, even though I was very hurt inside, and came back with more cuddles and always a listening ear. I stayed when all my emotions said 'leave'. I had been depressed, so i knew what its like from the other side - I knew that the one thing I hated the most when I was depressed was the hurt that my lack of joy, and short temper, caused the ones I love. I also knew that depression doesn't last forever. I am glad that I stayed then - we went through a time when it felt like we were enemies, but we eventually worked our way back to being friends. But that is where it has stopped.

My partner is no longer depressed, so no longer on meds. But on the other side of this depression he is not the same man that he was. You are right Dollit - him and me have both grown and changed in different directions. It seems that he has accepted parts of his depressed personality as permanent features. That includes his negative views of my actions if they are not what HE wants. I thought hard about what you said, Dollit, about your relationship having stopped growing - yes, there has been no growth in this one for a VERY long time. I did not expect support, or overt signs of him caring for me, when he was depressed, but a relationship cannot survive without them forever. Saffron - if i make any comments that suggest in the slightest that I would like him to do anything differently, it causes an argument, with him shouting at me in front of our kids, which I do not want. That includes things like doing the washing, let alone anything to do with emotional needs! However I express it, he sees it as a criticism of him, which he cannot accept.

I am tired of hurting, there is no trust left, I do not feel safe to be vulnerable around him any longer. I grew up with an alcoholic father - and this is too much like a trip down memory lane - not the good kind. He IS still my friend - we have a huge shared history, which includes two wonderful kids. I do still love him - but maybe only as a friend, I don't know (perhaps we accept more things from a friend, as the relationship is not so close). I am not sure that I can live with him any longer.

Sorry, this goes on a bit!

 

[Wynn]

Saffron - just noticed your tag line. That just about sums up what I'm feeling right now!

 

[Michael]

My heart goes out to you!

I have done (still do some times) exactly the same to my wife, as I was saying it I know I shouldn't but it still came out.
No excuses from me as none would come close to repairing even some of the damage I must have caused.

We are still together, she is far stronger than me, and realises that I have a problem. How long she will remain strong for is something I cannot know.

Advice is very difficult as everybodies situation is different, and we all have our own limits.
I wish sometimes I could persuade my wife to come onto this site and give her perspective and how she copes (or not) with me.

Does it help though tha knowing you are not on your own, and plenty of other 'partners' suffer the same situation you are in - sorry doesn't help and maybe I am being patronising - I just wish I could offer some form of olive branch that would help the both of you.

If you need to vent your frustration out here on this site, please do, it would help to those of us who need a reminder of what we are putting others through.

Best Wishes
(I would say my prayers for you but this seems not very P.C. nowadays)

Best Wishes

Michael

 

[trainwreck]

to true michael

i am same as you michael, i have hurt my wife an deverstated my kids by overdoseing , but the bottom line is they love me an i love them , i dont say or do things on purpose to hurt them , and i get more depressed with guilt when it happens,seem,s your,s is a different story wynn, if you dont love him an you have tried your best, if you have told him he has killed your love for him ,an who knows mabey he feels the same, you havent mentioned that.you have to figure out your next step an do what your mind is telling you one way or the other , good luck an stay safe,

 

[saffron]

hi wynn
sorry if what I said came across a bit patronising, I did not mean to say you did not do that anyway, but sometimes people think that when they are 'better' and off meds they are then strong enough to come back as they were, and sometimes little things like a hug and a love you get 'forgotton' probaly the wrong word, but I also know that this can seem like a lifetime for the person trying their hardest to make a person happy. maybe you have answered your own question, you cannot help him any further and maybe an agreeable parture will help, i also know yoiu must be thinking would that seem like I was deserting him, or that Ive gone through all this and deserve to know have happpiness with him, unfortunately, you may have to come to terms with how you feel, and that is the romance, intimacy and sharing has somewhat disappeared.
Only you can make the final decision in this, i think, as you seem to be the one that can see what it is doing to you and your family and him, would a break help, only you will know, will relate or rekindlling someting from your past you both loved, only you will know, do you think it is worth fighting for, again, only you will know. but we all agree that it is not fair on you or your family and him.
could an agreed time apart work?
thinking of you, you are a brave and special person.
S

 

[shaun3210]

Hi Wynn I feel for you, I went threw a similar thing as you described but from the opposite side of the coin after I became very depressed after my Dad died and I know it’s a horrible position to be in.
I also had changed as a person after I recovered, I became a lot harder and not as laidback, guess I had to change to get threw it and it took me quite a few years to start to mellow again.

It affected the relationship I was in at the time badly and it ended about a year later, but after a few years me and the ex started talking again about it and looking back it is something we both regret now, but things had been said that couldn’t be unsaid and the trust broken.

One thing we had wished we had explored while we were still together was relationship counselling, no idea if it would have done any good but maybe worth thinking about.

Good luck