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Relationship causing anxiety

S

SassyLassy

Member
Joined
Mar 23, 2009
Messages
7
My partner has depression, but it's so much more than that. He self-harms, has a vile temper, and really feels sorry for himself. I'm perhaps not the best person as I have dysthymia, but I guess from what I've read that my depression is alot less severe than his, but chronic. I never get times when I feel really horrible, but neither do I have times when I feel good.

The current problem is that he is really over-weight, and has joined a weight loss group run by our community centre. They also recommended that he join the walker's group. Well, today he was out walking with them, and had a sudden feeling of being really depressed. He said he wanted to jump out in front of a car or something. One of the other walkers noticed he looked anxious and asked what was wrong, and he told her. He was just barely home and he got a phone call from one of the group leaders saying that she didn't want him to go on the walks anymore, and that she didn't think he should go to the weight loss thing anymore either.

He's feeling so bad, and I'm upset as well. I thought that the fact that he was getting control of his social anxiety was so good, and I'd hoped that this walking group would be good too. I'm just upset......are they allowed to discriminate against mentally ill people in this way? And what can I say to make it better? I'm afraid I might have screwed up because I told him that he should have said anything but what he did. The UK has a weird attitude about mental illness....especially here in Scotland. I've heard his Aunt talk about it, and she says it's all bullshit and he just needs to get on with it. It's so sad that that's all the support you can get from people who know you. I just think he shares too much for his own good and that when he feels this way he should talk to me, his parents, his doctor......anyone but people he's only met twice.

Does anyone have any advice for me about any of this?

SassyLassy
 
S

saffron

Guest
hello
its hard to cope with someone who is depressed, and there is help out there to gvie you advise on the best way to tackle it as a partner. as far as that lady is concerned she had no right in making judgments like this without knowing the full fact, but i am afraid this is the ignorance of the general public to MH. there are a few thread on this forum about it. maybe you could be encouraging by going with him next time, he is obviously trying to help himself and that is a great achievemt. although it would be easy to say find another group and keep quiet, i dont think that will help in the long run. go together as a couple for a bit of moral support until people get to know him better, or so that he continues and not have to worry about the others. Thats one problem also, depressed people are very sensative and will run fairly quickly, talking of experience. I think though if I had someone who would say, sod them some on I will come with you, it would make me less anxious and more supported, if that makes sense.
I think if you google depression and relationships or helping someone with depression may give you some help too.
hope things improve for you both, take care.
S:hug:
 
S

SassyLassy

Member
Joined
Mar 23, 2009
Messages
7
Thanks for your reply. You do make alot of sense, and I would love to go walking with him. It just happens though that it's at 12:30 in the afternoon, and I'm always working Mondays, so it isn't possible. I do not know who I am madder at, to tell the truth. I adore him, but cannot for the life of me figure out why on earth he would have told something like that so someone he didn't even know.

The walks and the weight loss class have helped so much....he's lost 1 stone and 8 pounds in the last 9 weeks, and he needs to loose alot more. It's not a question of looks or anything...I'm honestly in fear for his life now. He's so unhealthy, I'm older than he is, and not sure he'll outlive me the way it's going. I thought that finally he was going to do something about it, and now we don't know if he can go to the weight loss thing or the walks. He was plainly told not to go on the walks, but for some reason the woman told him that he shouldn't go to the weight loss classes either. I honestly have such a sick feeling in my stomach worrying about it, and am way to anxious for my own good.....you know how you feel like you could just jump right out of your skin sometimes? That's me right now....not in any shape to help him but feeling like if I don't something horrible will happen.
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Have you asked her why she's asked him not to go to the weight loss classes anymore?
 
S

saffron

Guest
HI SASSY,
it must be very frustrating for you, but try to focus on what a great job he is doing so far, loosing that much weight is a great achievement. The weight classes are obviously doing good. who knows why someone suddenly discloses their problems, maybe by this lady just noticing he was anxious made him feel that she would understand, obviously not, but that is her problem not his, so it is nothing he has done wrong.
maybe you could both go for a walk after work together, suprising how theeraputic a stroll is. I would contact the weight loss group manager and ask why they think he cannot join anymore, pretty sad of them to immediately cross someone off like that. being healthy is about the mind as well as the body. and if they cannot understand that then maybe it is the wrong class for him. At least you can air your greivences and disgust at their behaviour.
keep encouraging him and dont be afraid of telling him of your fears about his life. he knows you are there for him. he is a very lucky man.
take care
S:hug:
 
S

SassyLassy

Member
Joined
Mar 23, 2009
Messages
7
What I have said to S is that I think they didn't want him on the walks if he feels that way because they might feel responsible for him and worry about liability or something. The weight loss thing.....I don't know. I mean we're in a building for gosh sakes......no trucks to walk in front of.

Tomorrow is the weight loss thing. I told him that she said he shouldn't go, not that he couldn't, I belong to that class too, and I said we ARE going. If they have a problem, they will have to deal with both of us. As he's been going to these classes for all this time and there's been no problem, they better come up with a really good reason if they don't want him coming back.:mad:

I'll write back after we've been tomorrow and let you know what's up, but boy do I talk a good game when I'm feeling defensive for him. Inside I'm like jelly, but I'm sticking to what I said.
 
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S

SassyLassy

Member
Joined
Mar 23, 2009
Messages
7
So all did NOT go well. We were there before anyone, and when the group leaders came in they said they wanted to talk to S. He came in, got his stuff and left. Found out that they told him to leave. I left with him of course, but I am so pissed off. I get so mad when people hurt him. I had to go back to work after and couldn't think straight the whole rest of the time.

What a stupid way to treat someone with a mental health issue in this day and age. Isn't that the same attitude they had in the 1800's?
 
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D

Dollit

Guest
What reason did they give? They just can't tell him to leave because he has mental health problems - that's discrimination.
 
S

saffron

Guest
Hi sassy
so sorry to hear oit did not go well. some people are so ignorant eh. I would rise above them and go to another class, but find out if they are regulated by a body and make a complaint about the discrimination, as dollit mentioned.
some people are biggots and are stick in the past and should be thouroughly ashamed of themselves. please do not take it to heart though, as im sure it was not personal as I beleive they would have behaved the same no matter who the actual person was, lets hope none of their families have MH problems. , you are both much better people than those ignoramouses. and can move on, dont let their behaviour make you so resentful you cannot move on.
thinking of you
S
 
S

SassyLassy

Member
Joined
Mar 23, 2009
Messages
7
Ok.....he has a social worker he's been working with. He called her and told her this stuff. She was a bit pissed off and called the leaders of the group, and suddenly they had all this stuff to say about how they were so concerned about him and all that, and that they just wanted him to see his doctor before he came back to make sure he was ok.

But the thing is, when they told him to leave, he asked why and all they had to say is that he made some people uncomfortable. He said he hadn't done anything bad, and that it was discrimination, and their only reply was, "no it's not." Kay has scheduled a meeting with him and with them for Tuesday.

He could go to another group, but this one is just half a block from us, and he doesn't even know where any others are. I'm so angry because his whole life, some of his family have rejected him, past employers, and teaches when he was at school. I think that a support group rejecting him is just too much. And I'm feeling GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
 
M

Mikey_205

Member
Joined
Mar 22, 2009
Messages
5
Haha you sound like a really nice person getting so angry on his behalf hes lucky to have someone like you looking out for him. From his perspective I think its a lot better that he vents it when he feels depressed. Talking through it with someone can alleviate those feelings, imagine if he had kept silent then acted on the impulse. However I get that its not nice to force it on someone else if it disturbs them but I believe in free speech. Perhaps you could encourage him to confise in close friends or yourself.

About why it cropped up when it did who knows. I sometimes get depressed for no good apparent reason normally when Im at a party or out in town and suddenly I will just become really confrontational or grumpy and want to run away and go back to my room and often these impulses win out over reason. My point is it is likely completely unrelated to the walks.
 
S

SassyLassy

Member
Joined
Mar 23, 2009
Messages
7
Well, so far, he's still not been back to the group. He did see a doctor, but the ones he's been seeing are suddenly gone, and he's having to start all over. The GP he saw said that it clearly was a psycotic episode. I think he told her more than he told me about how he was feeling. He sees a new psychiatrist next week. The old one told him that he didn't have any magic pills for him and he had to stop being lazy and help himself. Thing is, for someone who has social anxiety to join a diet group and a walking group and check into going to university.....I think that WAS him trying to help himself. What I actually think is that he did too much all at once. Beside all this other stuff, he's also gotten involved with vollenteer work, and I think all those things together maybe threw him off a bit. Anyway, I hope the new doctor will be better for him, we shall see.
 
KP1

KP1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2008
Messages
1,500
it might be possible to find another walking group that are more sympathectic.Maybe the community mental health team can find one for him.
 
A

anastasia

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 26, 2009
Messages
90
i hate people who act like that. it's why people like us have such a hard time and never tell anyone the truth.

gah

sorry but i feel for him i really do and right now i just want him to have a hug!
 
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