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Relationship and Sex with BPD

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EMRose

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I suppose one of my main questions is why my partener with BPD (not confirmed) doesnt want to have sex with me or be intimate at all, he says he loves me most of the time. On bad days he is wound up by me and feels he doesnt love me and hes not sure why but generally he loves me and doesnt know why he isnt interested in sex with me. He says he isnt interested in anyone else but he has been messaging other women on a couple occasions including explicit photos. He says he doesnt get anything out of it and he wants me ..... How does this work? Whats happening... Ive already posted about our whole story. I Know he feels bad for what hes doing to me but he keeps doing it. I feel like I have lost my best friend. I am wanting to be there for him and help him thorugh but I feel I just make it worse. After talking to the doctor and the mention of BPD I have done heaps of research and I feel I understand more. Can anyone relate to this? I know deep in my heart that hes not just another a**hole. Thanks
 
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Nukelavee

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Some anti-depressants and the like do suppress libido, for what that's worth. But, so do anxiety and depression. I had a friend on heavy doses who was upset about the libido issue... so, he got viagra.

Personally, I'm fine with a lowered libido, but I have my own issues.

I don't want to say you should just accept his current lack of interest, but you need to understand that, the more you stress about it, it's likely he'll remain uninterested. Or say he is. Anxiety cripples some men's ability to perform, and the more you worry about it, the worse it gets.

I think the best idea (I have) is to get some kind of formal diagnosis, rather than guessing BPD. Try to help him cope better with the anxiety and depression, and see where that puts you.
 
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EMRose

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Thank you
Some anti-depressants and the like do suppress libido, for what that's worth. But, so do anxiety and depression. I had a friend on heavy doses who was upset about the libido issue... so, he got viagra.

Personally, I'm fine with a lowered libido, but I have my own issues.

I don't want to say you should just accept his current lack of interest, but you need to understand that, the more you stress about it, it's likely he'll remain uninterested. Or say he is. Anxiety cripples some men's ability to perform, and the more you worry about it, the worse it gets.

I think the best idea (I have) is to get some kind of formal diagnosis, rather than guessing BPD. Try to help him cope better with the anxiety and depression, and see where that puts you.
.
Thank you, we’re working on that part at the moment. Hopefully we will have a formal diagnosis soon, it’s been difficult in the current situation. I understand where you are coming from. I just wish he would be more open with me. He went through some CBT and hopefully DBT soon after the lockdown is through.
 
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SunnyDaze

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If he's messaging other women and has even sent explicit photos that's the same as showing that he's not interested in you.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's definitely not ok.
 
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Nukelavee

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If he's messaging other women and has even sent explicit photos that's the same as showing that he's not interested in you.
It's not, actually. I'm not saying it isn't possible, but...

For many guys, libido is something that matters on a personal level. Like, the very idea that a male wouldn't want sex is utterly alien to most people. Bluntly, a guy who can't get it up for his partner, or any partner, is a miserable freaked out guy. Like, somehow, it makes them less a man.

It's like the joke"What's the difference between anxiety and terror?

Anxiety is the first time you can't do it twice, terror is the second time you can't do it once."

Being virile is a central aspect of many guys' self-esteem, losing it is a huge hit.

So -the possibility exists that EMRose's guy is pretty stressed about this, and stressed people make bad choices. Like chatting up or flirting with other women to see if that provides them a "boost"; that is, testing to see if it's them physically, or if it's a relationship issue.

Definitely, talk to him about this. you need to know what's going on, and he needs to figure out what is going on in his own head.
 
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SunnyDaze

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Well it would definitely show me personally @Nukelavee .

If my man was chatting up other women and sending them photos I would take that as him not being interested in me.

No MH issues would excuse that behavior.
 
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EMRose

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Well it would definitely show me personally @Nukelavee .

If my man was chatting up other women and sending them photos I would take that as him not being interested in me.

No MH issues would excuse that behavior.
Thank you I understand what you are saying. I feel there is some thing more to it as he has completely changed as a person. He’s going through something and I just want to understand or at least try to. I’ve been cheated on before and for some reason this isn’t the same. But I appreciate your reply thank you x
 
E

EMRose

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It's not, actually. I'm not saying it isn't possible, but...

For many guys, libido is something that matters on a personal level. Like, the very idea that a male wouldn't want sex is utterly alien to most people. Bluntly, a guy who can't get it up for his partner, or any partner, is a miserable freaked out guy. Like, somehow, it makes them less a man.

It's like the joke"What's the difference between anxiety and terror?

Anxiety is the first time you can't do it twice, terror is the second time you can't do it once."

Being virile is a central aspect of many guys' self-esteem, losing it is a huge hit.

So -the possibility exists that EMRose's guy is pretty stressed about this, and stressed people make bad choices. Like chatting up or flirting with other women to see if that provides them a "boost"; that is, testing to see if it's them physically, or if it's a relationship issue.

Definitely, talk to him about this. you need to know what's going on, and he needs to figure out what is going on in his own head.
thank you, really your reply has helped me so much. I can’t be sure this is the case obviously but it’s good to hear it from someone who's not him. I am not excusing what he done because it’s not ok but I want to try and understand. He has tried to explain some bits to me like what you have said but at the minute I don’t know what’s true or not. Hearing it from you has put my mind at ease slightly. On good days I feel like a have a glimps of him back but on bad days he’s a stranger. I have not helped by pushing and pushing him but it’s really just been because I don’t understand and I just want to so I can help. Hence why I am trying to learn more about what he may be going through. He doesnt Understand it and finds it really hard to explain to me. But I guess that was what I was looking for was someone to relate to it to reinforce what he has been saying Maybe. Thank you
 
Mario82

Mario82

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Could be a libido problem. I am on anti-depressants and finding libido issues. Magically when I missed them for a while I got horny a lot again. I will try viagra in future.

Then again this doesn't explain his talking to other women - perhaps he's a player type of guy? If he isn't respecting your position you should dump him. it isn't fair to you to talk to other women. You deserve better than that.
 
Ozymandias

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Before I go any further, I think it's relevant to say that I'm both male, and that I have BPD myself.

He says he isnt interested in anyone else but he has been messaging other women on a couple occasions including explicit photos. He says he doesnt get anything out of it and he wants me ..... How does this work?
The part that I've highlighted in bold begs a very simple question: If he doesn't get anything from it, then why is he doing it? I think it's a fair question to ask as well... as is enquiring into how he'd feel if you started doing likewise with other men.

From the BPD perspective, perhaps insecurity could be a driving force in this behaviour? Maybe there's a need to know that he can charm other women, not because he doesn't want to be with you, but because he needs to be sure that if - for whatever reason - you were no longer around, he wouldn't be alone for the rest of his life.

In that situation he would in fact be getting something from his behaviour... but it wouldn't be a sexual 'something'. It'd actually be a deeper validation than the physical act of sex could provide... the characteristic BPD 'emptiness' cannot be filled by sex, and not all men are slaves to our libidos.

I know I could be completely wrong with this idea, but I suggest it because when I was with my ex, I came to feel this exact 'need' to prove I could be attractive to more than one woman. I never indulged it, but it never went away either. It is awful - mercenary, in fact - to be looking beyond the person you're currently with, but the twin BPD fears of abandonment and loneliness can impel someone with the condition to do so; you expect the current partner to break up with you at some point, and you need to believe that there is a chance of being able to replace them.

All that said, BPD can manifest differently in different people... I've given a male perspective, but if he does have BPD that doesn't necessarily mean he experiences it as I do.
 
Mario82

Mario82

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Yes Ozymandias, seeking validation for multiple women is a terrible burden in life. Been there myself and I wouldn't be surprised of this is what is wrong with EMRose's boyfriend.
 
Rowan

Rowan

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He says he isnt interested in anyone else but he has been messaging other women on a couple occasions including explicit photos.
How did you find out? Did he tell you or did you find the photos?

Well it would definitely show me personally @Nukelavee .

If my man was chatting up other women and sending them photos I would take that as him not being interested in me.

No MH issues would excuse that behavior.
Yes, I agree. I don't know why maybe having BPD (I don't think he even has that diagnosis from the other post I read) would be a reason for messaging other women and not having sex with your partner.
 
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EMRose

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No he hasn’t had it officially but the doctor is sure that it is what it is. But at the moment hands are tied. I appreciate both your opinions similar to mine and people who care about me. But as someone who knows him and has been with him for many years I don’t feel like he does mean it. He has stated that he feels no emotions anymore except anger. There is something needing seen to, currently we are not together but are in lockdown week 3 of the same house. I want to help him for the sake of the person he used to be.
 
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EMRose

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How did you find out? Did he tell you or did you find the photos?



Yes, I agree. I don't know why maybe having BPD (I don't think he even has that diagnosis from the other post I read) would be a reason for messaging other women and not having sex with your partner.
I found the photos From her on his phone. I had asked if he had used these for his pleasure and he said he couldn’t. Last few times we have tried have sex. He couldn’t keep it up, for use of better words. I suggested Viagra and he took this badly and was upset by it. We were both upset at the first time. Me thinking it was me and him not know what was going on. He says he has no sexual interest in anyone and he doesn’t know why. Neither do I but am trying to help him. I don’t feel all the good things outweigh the bad. I think he’s crying for help but he doesn’t know what help he needs. Many of times he’s said that he would tell me what’s going on in his head but I won’t understand as even he doesn’t understand it. I was just looking to see if someone could relate to either my position or his. I’m not looking at people to give me their opinion on his person. I can get that from friends.
 
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EMRose

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I’m not saying I don’t understand your opinion of him as naturally that will be anyone opinion who has not felt in a similar position as him. As it was mine too
 
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