Relationship advice wanted!!!

[Ric71]

I would appreciate some advice please. I've been with my girlfriend for 7 months and love her very much. She has bi-polar disorder but has been fairly stable since I've known her (I'm not taking credit for that!), although in the past has been extremely unwell. I'm really happy to give her the support and reassurance she needs but at times I feel like she is so absorbed by her mental health needs that she isn't able to "be there" for me when I need it. I have 2 sons by my previous partner who I see 5 - 7 days a week as well as a job that can be pretty stressful at times. Generally I'm pretty easy-going but now and again I'd really like her to put my needs first - ask me about what's going on at work, how I feel about my kids etc. I really don't want to sound selfish but at times supporting her mental health can be really hard - the bi-polar bit means that at times she's questioning our relationship and compatibility etc, and then will suddenly be totally into me / us leaving me confused!! I find this really hard to deal with as it leave me feeling really insecure and needing reassurance, while wanting to put her needs first. Does anyone else have similar experiences or do I just need to stop being so bloomin' needy?? Thanks.

 

[Dollit]

As someone with bipolar I can tell you that it can be pretty wearing on a relationship. My consultant tells me that I'm ultimately responsible for me and the way I behave. One of my closest people and the one I love tells me that I hide behind my bipolar disorder a little bit too much. (He is a very brave and loving man). So he makes me step out from behind it and I'm allowed my little moan or whatever and then he has his turn to talk about what's been going on. When I am really ill, as I was recently, he will drop everything for me. This works for us because I have a lot of insight into my illness and he is a great motivator.

Perhaps a little gentle guidance on the lines that while she is stable her bipolar doesn't have to dominate her life?

I do understand that she questions your relationship when she's not stable. I do that too - I have an almost set routine where I ring my man and tell him I'm not good for him and that we should end things and he says no and we begin to move on again.

 

[Ric71]

Many thanks for you response! You're the only other bipolar person I've ever "spoken" to and it's a kinda relief to know there's more of you out there (sorry that sounds rubbish but hope you know what I mean)! Yes BP can be wearing but on the other hand it actually brings a lot to our relationship too - life's certainly never boring and keeping up with her varying perspectives keeps me fit! My partner does sometimes need to be dissuaded from defining everything in her life as being a side-effect of her bipolar. She often talks about "when I'm high I...", "when I'm low I..." etc etc rather than just seeing her ups and downs as simply part of who she is as a whole person. Most of her thinking is unique to her and not due to a "disorder" (after all we all have disordered thoughts sometimes). The constant questioning "us" is really hard sometimes though. Most of the time I know / believe she loves me but sometimes her doubts cause me to doubt and we get into a vicious circle which can be really destructive. Anyway, I think she's the dogs knees and I'm so lucky to have her! Thanks a lot for the support (I might be back for more of the same at some point!).

 

[NuttyMomma]

It is really hard to be in a relationship with someone who is bipolar. My 27 year old daughter goes through periods of being stable and then gets crazy. She has been unable to maintain a good and healthy relationship with a man. I totally understand why. You have a life, you have needs. Being with someone like your girlfriend is tough. Don't beat yourself up about it. You have kids, I imagine that they would be a priority to you before your girlfriend. Don't apologize for that.
Not to be harsh but maybe being in a relationship with a bipolar woman is not going to work out for you. You are being honest about how you feel which is great. If you are not happy and feeling fulfilled you can't make someone else happy. You will wind up resenting her.
I would like to believe that there are people who are bipolar and manage that condition but sometimes it takes time to get to that place. Have you spoken to her about your needs? Honesty is the basis of a good relationship, mental illness aside, if you can tell each other what you need and work through it great. You both need to make an honest and mature decision.
good luck.