Relapsed =(

A

Abstra

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Joined
Jan 12, 2017
Messages
21
#1
I relapsed with my ED before Christmas. It's almost exclusively restricting now. My MH team are aware and are blind weighing me but so far there's not much they can do as my BMI is far above the threshold for the ED team. To be honest I don't want them to do anything either as my ED is the only control I have over my life right now. On Wednesday I had a massive PTSD trigger and I haven't been able to eat anything since (I'm so sorry if that's too specific :low:). I'm trying to keep up my fluids at a minimum but struggling a little. My team are aware I'm struggling with the PTSD, the ED and more than likely severe depression as they're trying to push forward a care plan review to get antidepressants started but I'm a bit worried about what they're able to do about the not eating. I'm losing weight at a concerning rate from a professional standpoint but I'm still way above the threshold so am I right in thinking there's zero action they can take about it until I reach the BMI threshold for the ED team? Just to clarify I know what I'm doing is not remotely healthy in any way, it's really dangerous and no one should even consider doing it but I can't even make myself eat right now, even the thought of it is making me feel nauseated and anxious. I don't want them doing anything to force me to eat until I'm mentally and physically ready to.
If there's anything that needs to be edited or removed, sorry in advance about that is just hard for me to make it more vague right now.
 
R

Roseessa

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Joined
Jul 11, 2018
Messages
61
Location
Nottingham
#2
Hi,
If you get bad and more then likely will get dehydrated if you are also doing the bare minimum on fluid intake then you will be sent to the hospital and they will put in a drip with nutrients etc.
They cant force you to eat something but if you get bad and you get sent to the hospital they can put in a feeding tube.
You really need to sort this out as it is really dangerous for you.
Is there a reason other than the control aspect why you aren't eating?
Why are you only taking a tiny amount of fluid?
Have you spoken to your team to see where they are with getting you help?
 
A

Abstra

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Joined
Jan 12, 2017
Messages
21
#3
Other than the control, I just genuinely feel like I'm a terrible person and this is a way of punishing myself for being such a bad person.
I've always struggled with fluids since childhood, every time I get an infection I either have to go into hospital for IV antibiotics or they tell me if I don't improve quickly with oral antibiotics then I'll have to be admitted because I can't get fluids down fast enough to help fight the infection. I end up being sick if I drink more than I'm capable of, I'm not sure if it's a mental block or a physical one, probably the former. I'm drinking a glass of water in the evening with my medication and I may remember to have one in the day, my memory isn't fantastic since I had a few neuro issues three years ago.
My CPN is relatively new to me, she's only been seeing me since around May last year. She's been great and I think she knows what she's doing but the policies in our area mean that ED services won't touch me until I reach a BMI of 16. It's not an aim of mine to get there. I'm not even sure I have an aim. Maybe to get small enough to disappear 😔
 
A

Abstra

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Joined
Jan 12, 2017
Messages
21
#5
I'm afraid not. I've been trying really hard but every time I actually eat I'm pretty much in crisis. It's horrific. I've restarted my use (abuse I suppose) of OTC diuretics as well which my team don't know about. I tried to get help during a really bad time last week with both my physical and mental health in MIU but my physical issues were dismissed and I was directly referred to the crisis team but I left after waiting for four hours and I was triggered and really agitated.
I'm at a hopeless point right now. I wouldn't commit suicide as that would be awful for my family to go through but if I didn't wake up one morning that might not be too awful.
 
R

Roseessa

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Joined
Jul 11, 2018
Messages
61
Location
Nottingham
#6
You should have stayed at the crisis team, I know you had to wait a long time but they could have helped you.
You need to get this sorted.
Tell your team you NEED help and how bad it is getting.
Please try and not abuse them, its not good for you, your health, your body.
 
A

Abstra

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Jan 12, 2017
Messages
21
#7
I mainly left because I was massively outnumbered by men in the open waiting room which was triggering me and I felt unsafe (which is why I was there in the first place) and the crisis team saw three other people before myself who came in a couple of hours after I did. Whilst I know the triage system very well, I was physically and mentally unwell, I was completely fed up and had enough so I fled.

My CPN is pushing for a closer med review, the current date is 28th Feb. No update as of yet. I called her last week and tried to get her to understand how bad its gotten, she kept repeating that she can't make me eat, I'm pretty much like "no shit, but I can't either at this point". I know she's trying but I'm going into my usual pattern of pushing her away. I think they are waiting until I'm medically unstable so I'm either forced to change my behaviour or they will have to step in.

The only one who even remotely understands is my therapy nurse, she's pulled the emdr I was about to start off the table due to risk and has put me back into DBT one to one with her until I'm at baseline but I haven't seen her since last week and I'm not seeing her until next week. She said the way I'm going, they're not going to give me a choice about going into hospital purely for medical treatment as I'm heading for collapse. I'm not even sure I care anymore.
 
M

megirl

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Apr 9, 2010
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4,131
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#9
I am sure you know but the less you eat the harder it will be to cope.
I do feel for you. Are you able to talk to a friend or get to see someone sooner
 
A

Abstra

Member
Joined
Jan 12, 2017
Messages
21
#10
I am sure you know but the less you eat the harder it will be to cope.
I do feel for you. Are you able to talk to a friend or get to see someone sooner
Things have deteriorated rapidly in the last week. I've been prescribed an antidepressant to use in conjuction with my antipsychotic ahead of my review which has been pushed forward to Tuesday and also lorazepam. I haven't been able to get the prescription for the antidepressant due to delays in my GP surgery, perhaps it'll be ready tomorrow.
Since Saturday I've had three toddler sized meals but nothing for the last 24 hours. I've lost all will to try to eat now. Its actually only thanks to a close friend that a lot of the help over the last couple of days has happened as he encouraged me to at least inform my care coordinator that things were getting bad, even if I didn't think they could/would do anything to help.
I refuse to see the crisis team for an assessment in MIU because of experience stated above but also as the only options that will be left are CR/HTT or hospital. Right now I'm willing to entertain neither. Nor the impossibly irritating question that all mental health staff seem to ask, "what do you want? What do you want us to do for you?" because if I knew what I needed to help me get out of crisis, I would have done it myself by now! The point of me possibly going to them is because I've done everything I can do and now I need them to try something, I don't know what their bloody options are 🙄
 
M

megirl

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#11
Just ask them that you don't know what else can be done to get through this. Sounds like you are desperate just try see what else they can do. Hopefully these new antidepressants might help x