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Relapse of anxiety/panic/depression

ShySparrow

ShySparrow

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 4, 2018
Messages
91
I'm doing a little better. I went for a bike ride this afternoon which I enjoyed. Felt a bit down this evening but I'm ok.

I haven't had any nausea or vomiting, just discomfort and a burning sensation in my stomach, very painful at times. It feels a little better this evening actually. I'm propped up in bed without much pain, I couldn't do that for the last few nights. It seems to come and go but I think it's a little better. I'm eating tiny meals with very low fat. Porridge, natural yoghurt, banana etc. I'm having a small amount of aloe vera juice in the evening too.

Yes, I increased my medication last night. I've done this before with no problems so don't see a cause for concern.

Please take your medication tonight, you've done it before and it was fine and will be fine again.

Your mum loves you, your husband loves you and your children love you. I can see what a lovely person you are just from our chats on here, your family won't ever leave you because they love you.

Sparrow
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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Joined
Mar 31, 2015
Messages
1,935
At the start of this episode the GP did offer me anxiety medication but I wouldn't take it because I'm too anxious about taking anything that makes me feel sedated. Why I don't know, I had a traumatic experience with a general anesthetic when I was a child and ever since I've a fear of anything which sedates. I'm my own worst enemy.
Ahhh, that could explain it.

The first time I ever tried Xanax, I was nervous I'd suddenly collapse or fall asleep or be a drooling zombie (lol), so I only took 0.25mg. I felt...something...but it was so subtle and so brief, I wasn't sure if it was the Xanax, so I took another 0.25mg and...ahhhhh...blissful RELIEF. No zombie. No collapse. Just relief from the anxious distress.
 
M

MamaMax

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Joined
Nov 10, 2021
Messages
89
Location
Inverness
Thanks guys. I got woken up at 3am last night as one of my teenagers was vomiting. I managed to go back to sleep though.

This morning I'm mostly just really low. The panic feeling is there but it's like I just don't care. I'm like...on you go panic, just get on with it and do whatever you are going to do.

Having lots of negative thoughts too. My two and half year old baby is my world, I absolutely dote on him and it's breaking my heart that I can't feel that love at the moment. He is additional needs and a total mummies boy, but I can't find any interest in anything today. I've mostly just sat on the couch and read articles on anxiety and depression. My Google history mostly consists of will I always be this way, will a dose increase help me and my worst thought, is it worth living if this is how life is going to be. I'm too much of a wimp to do anything to myself and I love my family too much to do anything, we already lost a brother to suicide 20 years ago, however if my life is going to be episode after episode then I can't see a future. Just a hope that maybe I won't wake up one morning and have to keep facing this.

I miss cuddling my baby and feeling that overwhelming love. I miss the silly songs o used to sing all day because my baby likes them so much. I miss hiding around corners and scaring the life out of my teenagers. I miss teasing and flirting with my husband. Just two weeks and my old life has vanished.

I don't even know what to do with myself. I just wander about, try to watch something but can't focus, try to crochet but it's just going through the motions and doesnt distract me from my thoughts.

I just don't have the strength to fight this a third time.
 
ShySparrow

ShySparrow

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 4, 2018
Messages
91
I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It's so difficult I know. Depression is all-consuming, it changes the way you look at things, how you feel about things, how you view things now, in the past and in the future. But depression is a liar and it will not last.

You will regain your joy again! It may not feel like it now because you are very ill, but I know that you will because it has happened before. It is a pattern we all face with depression and anxiety.

I don't know your family but I would suggest being open and honest with them. Tell them your mind is poorly and you're trying your best to get better because you love them so much. Let their love and understanding help you on your road to recovery. They love you with all their hearts. Children are so resilient and strong, they surprise us every day with their abilities. You must be so proud of them.

This moment of illness started two weeks ago, so cling to the hope that it is just a short term illness.

Enjoy the relief whenever it comes today.

Sparrow
 
M

MamaMax

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Joined
Nov 10, 2021
Messages
89
Location
Inverness
Thanks Sparrow, I know you are right. I've got to get myself together and drink and eat more for a start.

I saw the GP. She said in the next two days she wants me on the 100mg. Other than that, just to give it time for the dose increase to take effect. She said my options were really either to taper down and switch meds or to do the increase which is the best option. So I'm trying to my head around taking the 100mg.

She wasn't concerned with my depressed mood or panic, just reminded me it's only been two days of the dose increase to 75mg. I am to make an appointment with her in two weeks time to see where I am at.

I also had bloods taken, to check hormones and see if there is anything causing this latest blip.

I don't know how I feel really. I guess the long and short of it is that I need to suck it up until the med increase starts working or doesn't and I have to switch. I forgot to ask her how long it takes roughly to expect a med increase to work.

There are positives today. I have not had diarrhea for the first time since this started. Also the anxiety/panic has been manageable today.

The brief intervention team called today too, this morning when I was in a bad way. They have encouraged me to get counselling after I blurted out all the trauma that has happened in my life. I have contacted a donation based counselling service and will be called back early next week for an initial appointment.

I am feeling a little better, the mood has lifted a little, enough to feel more like myself. I think if I am able to, tonight I will try hard to write down these repetitive thoughts I am having and change them into positive ones. If/when I feel better in the evenings I just want to relax but that is also when I should probably be doing the self help stuff.

I hope you guys are all doing okay.
 
ShySparrow

ShySparrow

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Joined
Jun 4, 2018
Messages
91
Sorry I haven't been in touch. Yesterday was full of anxiety. Decided to go to the shops around tea time and ended up in a bit of mess, really anxious, sweat was absolutely pumping out of me. Calmed down in the evening but woke up highly anxious at about 2am. I did get back to sleep thankfully.

Today I woke up with bad depression. It lasted all day. I went for a walk which I usually enjoy, but 15 minutes into the walk I just felt awful. Depression just wouldn't leave me and I just lost all hope. I was sweating like mad and so dizzy. I felt like I was in a computer game or something.

I wonder if it's my increase in medication making me dizzy and hot, or could be the beta blockers. Could be the Lansoprazole I'm taking for my gastritis or could be the gastritis itself. I don't know.

Anyway, I've had a good evening apart from a bit of nausea because I'm constipated! (TMO) We rented the latest James Bond on the telly because I wasn't well enough to watch it at the pictures. We enjoyed it. Just watching an extra slice before bed.

Hope you're feeling a bit better recently.

Sparrow
 
M

MamaMax

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Joined
Nov 10, 2021
Messages
89
Location
Inverness
Hi Sparrow,

It's okay, I didn't want to post because I realised I was being selfish and expressing my panic without considering that it could be triggering for anyone reading.

It does sound like my first two days on med increase, but that's a good thing because you know it's doing something and it will settle soon.

Yesterday was my third day of dose increase, it was bearable. I was super spaced out and had moments where I thought I would cry or panic but for the most I got through the day.

I bought David Burns new book, Feeling Great, and have been trying to work through it. It's been a big comfort and I use it to get me through the rough parts of the day.

I expect today will not be a good day. I left a door on my hamsters cage open last night by accident and one of my cats got it. My husband woke up and managed to get it back in the cage, but I expect the poor thing will die of shock. Im so upset with myself.
 
ShySparrow

ShySparrow

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 4, 2018
Messages
91
I didn't think you were being selfish. I'm glad yesterday was better for you. I'm sorry to hear about your hamster, I hope it's ok. We all make mistakes!

Take care

Sparrow
 
M

MamaMax

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Joined
Nov 10, 2021
Messages
89
Location
Inverness
At the hospital about to have an ECG, since I went up to 100mg yesterday my heart keeps racing whenever I move about.
 
ShySparrow

ShySparrow

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 4, 2018
Messages
91
Sorry to hear that Max. How did you get on? Hope everything is ok.

I'm having a run of bad days and just feel like there's no hope anymore. My depression has been really bad for two days with anxiety thrown in for good measure.

I just feel numb and if I'm not feeling numb I'm feeling depressed and anxious. I don't know what to do. I can't carry on like this. My wife is being supportive as always but I feel like a burden on her. I want to be able to support her!

Things that normally give me a feeling of hope aren't giving me that feeling anymore. I can't find comfort from anywhere. I'm just sitting or lying here in mental pain with no end in sight.

I'm out of ideas.
 
M

MamaMax

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 10, 2021
Messages
89
Location
Inverness
Hey sparrow,

Firstly im okay and I should have come back to say so, my ECG was fine, so was blood pressure and pulse so just a side effect from tablets. Still it was nice to have the reassurance.

Secondly, I had exactly the same until today, two very very rough days. I would say the deeper depression and anxiety is probably related to the dose increase and getting over gastritis. Your wife loves you and a marriage is team work, she is strong when you need it and you will be strong when she needs it.

I know you know how low I have been, so I don't say this lightly but you have to force yourself to eat, to drink water, to get sleep when you can and get outside. We know these things aren't a cure and it feels impossible, but we have to keep trying. It gets worse before it gets better with a med increase right? That's a good indicator that the med increase is doing something, just a bit more time for it to get to proper work. Keep taking it and keep going, every day is another day closer to being well again.
 
M

MamaMax

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 10, 2021
Messages
89
Location
Inverness
Hello all,

I hope anyone reading this is okay and coping.

Im having a wobbly morning. Lots of negative thoughts. I just feel like there is no point to my existence. Every day I get up, send the kids to school, sort the baby out and then nothing. I have two other people in my life, my mum and my husband. I have no friends.

My husband is at home every day because like me he is a carer for our three additional needs children. But he doesn't get up until around 11am and then he is usually on his phone, messing with his archery bows or playing games. Sometimes I wonder if he is depressed himself but he insists he isn't.

This morning I just don't know what to do with myself. It feels like everything I try to do is just about trying not to have anxiety or depression. How long will it be until I can get up and not even think about being anxious or depressed? Until I can do something without it being all about anxiety and depression.

I got the job I applied for, it will start in about two weeks. I don't know if I should tell them what's happened and turn it down.

I'm this 37 year old woman, who has no friends, doesn't go anywhere or do anything, barely keeps on top of the house and feels like a loser.
 
ShySparrow

ShySparrow

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 4, 2018
Messages
91
Congrats on getting the job!

I'm sorry to hear you're having a bad morning. There is a point to your existence, and you will know what it is when you start to feel better again. It will take time but little by little your depression and anxiety won't consume your life anymore. You won't even realise it. But now you're not well, so just take it one day or even one hour at a time.

I hope you feel a bit better as the day goes on. I'm staying in today as I'm in a very similar position to you, I don't know how I will feel from one minute to the next.

Sparrow
 
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