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Rejected by a bartender! Worst feeling of my life

fragrant_violet

fragrant_violet

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Like whoa bro chill out.

Just coz she says on Instagram she's single don't mean she is. As for the dude next to me, he was probably just trying to be nice in a drunken way.

Your mistake was asking for her number in front of everyone else. And it sounds like she was real busy. If she is hot like you say then my guess is that she gets asked for her number by other customers frequently and she has a stock answer prepared.

I'd definitely go back that bar. Just pretend nothing happened
 
fragrant_violet

fragrant_violet

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Fpr those folk who been members here more than just a few months, you may remember the dude who got obsessed with a Hooters girl. He kept asking whether he shojld ask her out and I think the majority talked him out of it. You gotta ask yourself how important the bar is too yer and if your willing to risk getting deffed out by an employee there.

It is such a common situation. As a guy your imagination takes over and you can interpret meaningless interactions as signs of interest. Attractive women are an asset to any bar and in the USA tips such an important part of earnings that of course they will flirt with everyone.
 
NoNameRequired

NoNameRequired

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But the last month or so she has been very flirty and touchy with me.
Women like to flirt for fun, there are no "signs" to catch. The only way to know a women likes (Or at least tolerates) you is asking her out, and you did, congratulations, it takes [MALE GENITALS] to do it.

Now, she did it on purpose. The way she freaked out and made other people notice it was with the intention to humiliate you. You are lucky that she did not yelled the "R" word. The guy who tell you to leave did the right thing, if you stayed there, she would have probably make it worse, you could have being falsely accused of something.

So yes, you might never be able to return to that place, but it could have been worse. It was not your fault, you did nothing wrong, these kind of things just happen.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Hey there I’m so sorry that this happened the way it did. It seems like an attractive bartender would get asked for their phone number pretty often. She should have been more gracious about declining you. Male interest from customers I’m sure comes with the territory of working in these positions. As a customer you should never feel bad about returning to a place you have been a patron and as a person you should not be made to feel bad for having taken a chance. It’s strange that she reacted so badly when she had been so flirtatious for so long. It must be that you misinterpreted the flirtation, but that is nothing to feel bad about, it’s an honest mistake. Maybe the guy who told you to go home has asked for her phone number before and was turned down also. I know it would feel better to just stay away from the place to avoid the memory of what happened but I think you should go back. You clearly enjoy being there above and beyond there just being a cute bartender working there and you should not be dissuaded from going to mix and mingle with other singles just because one woman more or less turned out to be a jerk. I would do what other members here have said and just brush off that it happened and get back out there. Don’t let this one bad experience ruin your whole nightlife for you. There are other REALLY single girls out there and if you might be able to meet them at this bar then why not hang out there? You shouldn’t feel bad or guilty. You did nothing wrong. Hold your head up. Show her and this rude barfly that you aren’t that moved by their negative actions and that you are bold enough to get back in there and give it another go with other folks there. Xo, j
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

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Return to the 'scene of your crime' and if you see her just say "Err, sorry about the other night, I'd had a little too much and let it get the better of me. Forgive me?" (that last part can be added in a cheeky/flirty way or left out, up to you) and leave it with her. She can either be normal, reject your apologies, or who knows, show interest in you because you showed balls.*

*I should stress, don't actually show her your balls. 😜
 
fragrant_violet

fragrant_violet

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Yeah, the barfly was ruder than the girl I think and you can bet your bottom buck that he is interested in her too. Agree with Jessi that he may of got turned down too.

No guys like getting rejected. It strikes to the heart of our very essence
 
B

bythehills

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@nickyj19 it sounds like you really expected her to say yes when you asked her for her number. I can feel the pain you went through, especially considering the situation. It could go either way and you have to be prepared for that and not think too much into it. You could be talking to a woman for a long time think you are getting somewhere make a move and she turns you down. Its not a bad thing and its not anything you should take personally at that stage of things. She doesn't know you and hasn't had months or years of experience being with you. She's making a decision on a split-second basis and one that best suits her interests whether they are genuine and good intentioned or not.

As for her behaviour, that would send mixed signals but she works in a bar and she's pretty and probably gets a lot of attention. I wouldn't say its completely out of the question her doing that was down to the environment you both met and her just being a "bar girl". And I 100% wouldn't say it meant anything. I mean yeah if it was on a beach somewhere and completely random and you walked up to her and that happened then it would be different, or out on a walk some place and you met her completely out of the blue. She's at work. She works in a bar. She basically spends her time in an environment that is geared around people letting themselves go and losing their inhibitions a little (or a lot) and of course its pop culture to know people go out to bars to hook up so maybe the vibe at that moment in time whether she was completely in the moment or just playing into it was to act the way she did with you.

There is no guarantee she was going to go "all the way" and just because it felt right doesn't mean it was right. You don't know her reasons behind doing what she did from start to finish. And I have to agree with the women who have chimed in on this, you put a lot of pressure on her in an environment where its customary for her to get hit on and protect herself from being handled by men. She can't decipher who is just another drunk, a predator, a good or bad guy, from who is a potential boyfriend, husband, life partner etc just like that. She probably felt pretty exposed when you asked her that question especially being at work and especially when she probably gets it a lot and probably doesn't like it. Even if she is a mind gamer she still probably felt exposed. Who knows what was the deal there!

I think it was probably the wrong environment for asking for her number especially when she works there and has to maintain an image to keep her job and especially when she will be exposed to met hitting on her. Just got to let it go. I wouldn't let it affect you going back. She might have just lost her nerve about it or maybe she has a boyfriend or maybe she is a psycho and you got off lucky!

Fortunately for you you didn't end up with a narcissist like I did recently. I asked this really pretty woman I met on a hike for her number after we chatted for some time walking down the hill. We just met randomly and started chatting and seemed to hit it off. It felt right. I got her number after we sat down climbing down the hill. We arranged to spend the same evening together and we went all the way had sex kissed and cuddled and talked about our lives, the whole nine yards. She told me how she was looking for a British man to settle down with. Really sold me a story of a dream life she wanted and I couldn't help but to feel sorta involved in it, after all, I was in her bed and we had a night of good sex and got really close. I fell for her man, very fast. Talked to her all week after and arranged to meet her again last weekend. We met and she went in for the kill and tore me up. It didn't feel right from the get go. Started gaslighting me on a hike we had chosen to go on. 10 minutes before that we were holding hands kissing and taking pictures together and then all of a sudden she accuses me of not listening to her but the way in which she said it was like I had caused world war 3. It wasn't just a passing innocuous comment I could recover from, it was bait. From 0-60 in a second flat. Everything changed. She was smirking and her eyes lit up whenever I tended to her because I genuinely at that time thought I had done something wrong. I took it seriously. She was just manipulating me in a very cruel way to guilt trip me into submission for her own sadistic pleasure because she didn't feel like she was the center of attention. Safe to say it didn't end well but I got roped into trying to fix something I hadn't broken all because I trusted that the way she was acting was genuine and well intentioned, when it wasn't. I went so far I sent her 4 voicemail after I left her hoping to "fix" this new relationship I had with this woman I had only just met a week before thinking it was serious and she was on the same page as me. Talk about a moment of madness! She wasn't and I had taken the bait whole and now had made a complete fool out of myself. She threw me away quicker than you can count to 3 and when I started to expose her abusive behaviour towards the very end she lost her mind completely. From something to absolutely nothing just like that.

You can never tell! I got this woman's number and in my head we were making progress. In my head she was a decent person who meant well who wanted to settle in the UK with a decent guy. The woman you think is right for you might actually be the complete opposite. You just have to trust in the process and have decent boundaries, don't have too high expectations like I did and expect the next woman you meet to be all for you, and for you to have self respect and self preservation. Be grounded and not with your head in the clouds. Don't let someone make you give more than you feel you have to in relation to the situation. In this one you were both relative strangers although you had struck up a connection of some sort you hadn't written a book together about your life stories so you reaching out, which is completely fine, she cut that down and you don't know why and it ends there because you can't really do anything else. You can't force it. And you don't know each other well enough to regroup and why should you? You aren't preserving a lasting relationship.

I am not sure if this is you but I am guilty of falling into fantasy with women. I create a story that I try and bring into reality and its always ideal, the best possible scenario. I see people places things based on a daydream in my head sometimes. Life doesn't work like that but try telling me that sometimes! You have to be careful whether you are falling in love with an image in your head, with a storyline, or whether you are actually present to embrace the reality in front of you, for better or for worse. You can't force things and cant predict how someone will be with you or turn out, a month, a year, a decade down the line. You just have to roll with it and not try to get hung up. Trust in the process and if it doesn't work out it doesn't mean the process is broken, it just means the variables going into that process don't give out the result expected and you don't always need to perform a forensic investigation to get the answers because the questions are not meant to be answered sometimes.

All the best man and congratulations on approaching her in the first place! Spontaneous situations like that where you have to take a risk and go for it are difficult sometimes and it takes courage and confidence to do it so don't be too hard on yourself. You actually took the initiative to engage with her :)
 
J

jsmacks

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Hi, im 26. I moved to a new area 6 months ago and i have nothing. No friends. I go to a very cool local poppin bar here. Probably 2-3 times per month. Sometimes i go with my dad, sometimes with my brother, sometimes with my cousin. And yes sometimes i sadlgo alone.

The bartender here is 26 also and she is so cool. Shes gorgeous, short with brown hair & blue eyes. At first i thought she was nice to me for tips$. But the last month or so she has been very flirty and touchy with me. My dad suggested i try and get her number next time. My cousin said not to cause if she rejects me, itll never be the same. I came across her instagram and she has “single” on her headline.

I decided to try. 3 nights ago i was there, sure i got drunk, but so was everyone else there. After i paid i asked if i can get her number. She said “noo im not giving you my number, i have a boyfriend” in the most shocking/upset/creeped out tone i ever heard from her. She walked away quickly. I was more upset that she lied about a boyfriend cause i know shes single. And the harsh way she rejected me. But i was pretty upset cause i thought she was interested all this time. And a regular customer next to me who heard it all (who was always cool with me) said “dude, just go home man”.

i never felt like such a piece of trash in my life. Absolute loser/worthless person. 3 days later and i still feel absolutely horrible about it. I cant get out of bed, i cant workout. I feel so depressed about how it went down. Im depressed she lied to avoid giving her number, im depressed cause she just walked the hell away from me, im depressed cause a bar buddy embarrassingly told me to just “go home”. Not only that, but now i probably shouldnt go to that bar anymore. I ruined it all. We had some great fun times at this bar and itll never be the same. There is no better bar to hangout in the are.

Anybody any advice or input would be nice

Congratulations for trying.

It is a shame some can be so rude, but from her perspective, there is no telling how many times per day she is getting hit on, or what type of mood she is in. Bars generally can be hostile places with hostile people. There is no telling what asshole probably said some rude shit to her and in return her defense mechanism is to treat everyone there as an asshole.

That said occasional rude responses in bars should be expected. Basically every guy no matter how attractive is up for being rudely rejected especially in a bar setting. Best thing as a guy is to cut your losses and move on to someone else more interested. And you never know, you might meet bartender again in a more friendlier setting. Maybe if you have the nerve or if she is showing interest try asking again, but if not it is probably more likely she isn't the one. She might look great, might seem like a great personality, but still might not be the one for you.
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Return to the 'scene of your crime' and if you see her just say "Err, sorry about the other night, I'd had a little too much and let it get the better of me. Forgive me?" (that last part can be added in a cheeky/flirty way or left out, up to you) and leave it with her. She can either be normal, reject your apologies, or who knows, show interest in you because you showed balls.*

*I should stress, don't actually show her your balls. 😜
totally agree. just apologise and move on, but I think if you've found a place you like that much and are/were that comfortable in, it's worth trying to just get past this. Try to keep it in some perspective; I know rejection of any sort is hard, and one that's sort of public is a lot harder, but it's part of being single and we all have been there. xx
 
D

Dazed & Confused

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@nickyj19 , I'm sorry about the responses to your post. I find them very disheartening.

Rejection sucks, especially when you have a mental illness. Try not to take what happened personally (I know it's hard). We will never know why the bartender behaved the way she did but I promise you it has nothing to do with you.

I hope you feel welcome here. Take care.
 
D

Dazed & Confused

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Also, I met one of my partners in a bar. There is nothing wrong with meeting people in bars.
 
K

Keesha

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@nickyj19 We will never know why the bartender behaved the way she did but I promise you it has nothing to do with you.
Yes we DO know why the bartender acted the way she did. It’s because she isn’t a customer, she works there and it would have been VERY inappropriate for her to hand out her phone number to a customer, especially a drunk one who was hitting on her. She is there to WORK not please every customers fantasy.
 
E

Ele123

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Just cos she has single on her social media doesnt mean she is single. I never put details of who I'm dating on my Facebook as I like to keep things private. Mine always says "single" even if I'm not.
 

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