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Rediscovery - then back in the hole

T

Topcat

Guest
Today's observation.
On the (seemingly rare) occasions when I feel ok, I remember "oh yes, this is what I feel like when 'normal'," it's like waking from a bad dream. I look in the mirror, I look at my house, I survey my life, and I don't recognise any of it. It's like it's been changed, broken by someone else, and now I'm back I have to clear up and put the pieces back together.
If I'm 'normal' long enough, I can patch things up, start to build up again, but EVERY BLOODY TIME I fall back in the hole and it all goes to shit again.

I can't count on feeling any which way for any specific amount of time. When I'm ok I can look at things, find ways which might help, have ideas. But when I fall, it's like I'm a different person, I don't even remember how I felt, what normal is.

This is such hard work, and so confusing. I know I have to keep some simple things constant, like a link between worlds, things which span the time scales - gardening, growing veg, manageable usually enjoyable, or at the least, distracting projects.

Fed up of my life being flipped over and over like an egg timer.

Today's mood will probably be short as it's most likely a 'hangover' from yesterday's tramadol. But I need to make the absolute most of it and try and get my kids rooms out of the slums and into some kind of order before my motivation leaves me again.

Xx
 
T

Topcat

Guest
Astonishing how me cracking on with something (and there's plenty of things to get on with here) galvanizes my husband into action.
Why can't he get on with stuff without me starting it??!
The amount of time I spend in limbo, no wonder everything falls apart!
X
 
T

Topcat

Guest
Fighting a HUGE urge to self medicate any which way.
May go in the bath, drink a large valerian tea & get some sleep.
X
 
Dita85

Dita85

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 9, 2012
Messages
3,791
I think a cup of valerian tea and a bath are really positive things. I hope you manage to get some sleep and feel a little better tomorrow.
 
T

Topcat

Guest
:confused:
What happened yesterday? Woken up after a night of vivid dreams, and not sure what was going on. I posted stuff on Facebook, posting on here. It feels like it was really far away?
Ugh.
Don't know what the hell's going on with me.
I wouldn't mind some helpful oblivion again though.
:(
 
T

Topcat

Guest
I'm a shit.
I took my 5yr old to school, gave her a hug and a kiss, I know I don't deserve one back but she pulled away from me and hugged the teaching assistant and another mum. This isn't unusual, and just reminds me how shit I can be.

Fed up of talking to myself too.

God, I'm such a self absorbed miserable cow.

:(
 
T

Topcat

Guest
What really pisses me off is that I put something on Facebook yesterday, I never usually, and I had comments from 2 people. One is a friend of a friend who I hardly know, one from a girl who lives over the road - a vague relative of my husband, who again I hardly know.
Nothing from a 'friend' or family. Nothing but a quick hello & a funny look from them on the school run.
They can all fuck off.
My husband thinks I'm just a moody bitch, exploding over nothing, polluting the house air with my poisonous mood.

And I'm on this bloody forum TALKING TO MYSELF AGAIN.

ALONE DOESN'T EVEN START TO EXPLAIN IT.

ALL I WANT TO DO IS EAT A PILE OF PILLS, GET RID OF EVERYTHING.
AND, NO. I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT ANY MORE.
 
F

fallen

Guest
TC, you're not talking to yourself.
I know exactly what you mean about your daughter with the goodbye kiss thing at school-my son is the same sometimes, but others he will hug me and tell me I'm the best mum in the world-sure your kids think that even if they're not always good at showing it.

And weird looks at school gates-if there was a medal for getting them, I'd have got one long , long ago. Just ignore the sad little f*ckers-they're not worth it! You have something they don't-a conscience-this will help you change your life for the better while te other saddos will be stuck in their own miserable, judgemental little world!

Ho about you go punch a pillow and then go make yourself a lovely cuppa and relax??

:hug1:
 
R

Rose19602

Guest
Hey,
I went to therapy last night and we talked about withdrawl from drugs a great deal.

Therapist said that it is now common knowledge in psychology / psychiatry that 3 months is a minimum amount of time for decreasing an anti-depressant. He works for the NHS as a psychotherapist.

I stated that it still says 2 weeks on the patient information leaflet......He queried that.
Obviously he cannot be quoted....but thought you should know TC.
There are also links between citalopram and aggression.

Don't take those pills please, this will pass...valerian tea and a hot bath will distract.

x

PS You are not a shit mum.
 
T

Topcat

Guest
Thanks yous two.
Having a really bad day today.
What does an actual nervous breakdown feel like?
I thought maybe it was low blood sugar as I've eaten next to nothing. But I've had a banana & a hot chocolate, and I still feel rough/weird in the head & body.
I think something's gone wrong.
I don't want to go to the doctor, he'll tell me to take the pills again. And I don't know if all this is because of them in the first place.
We've just had bombshell news about our children's ward & I'm being urged to write to this that and the other, my head's just reeling.
 
R

Rose19602

Guest
TC, I know there's an ED involved in your diagnosis, but trying to keep your blood sugar constant will help you a lot.
Mine was all over the place when I came off the drug.
Porridge was a godsend....good complex carbohydrates first thing in the morning, then topped up at lunch and dinner with something similar like good wholemeal bread, pulses, rice and beans. All will help if you can manage them.

I know that will be very hard, so apologies .... (I'm not terribly knowledgeable about EDs..sorry)
x
 
T

Topcat

Guest
MK - I generally eat regularly, so not normally a problem. I take multivits with iron etc as I have a tendency towards anemia.
Just not hungry today.
I didn't feel right when I woke up.
I don't feel right now.
It's like I'm not really here. And when I am here, I wish I wasn't. I have only managed the basics today.
The housework has kept me feeling present.
I have texted my therapist as if things carry on like this. I can't cope.
I can't go to the doc.
I can't talk to him, can't talk to anyone right now.
He'll just give me pills.
Just want to say thanks for always being one who comments, I'm sure it must get tiresome reading my repetitive woes and feeling like you are repeating yourself in trying your best to help. I do really appreciate it.

X
 
R

Rose19602

Guest
I've found my therapist much more help than my GP.
Can you see him between sessions, or are you meant to try to manage?

And don't thank me for answering, half the time I bang on about myself, so it helps me.

Anyway...I've been there. It's a crap place to be.
x
 
T

Topcat

Guest
She signed me off from her in January as she felt we had reached a kind of plateau & we had put some coping mechanisms in place.
The meds making me high was giving the impression of being 'better' I think.
But she said I could get back in touch if I ever needed to again. She can re-refer me back to her.
X
 
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