Recurrent depression

[KP1]

I think now the hardest thing I find is to keep going back down hill and to always feel it's my fault .It knocks me back and dents my confidence a bit more every time.
When I'm really low I become very suicidal with the added pressure of hiding it from my family.
I recently had five days of feeling relatively good probably the best for a long while followed by a plunge.I then took small o/ds over three days over the bank holiday weekend to give myself some temporary oblivion.Now I just feel sick and very stupid. I rang my CPN that I've got for a while and she said I risk damaging my liver and I told her I felt better today which I did for a while.
What I don't understand is that I was feeling good for the 5 days mentioned,taking my meds as prescribed and trying to get more active and yet the crash still happened. This is despite ad's and a mood stabalisers (for depression).I think the clinic want to discharge me this month as the psyh says I'm not depressed! How I feel is certainly not normal so I don't know what I am any more. If anyone has any suggestions I would really really appreciaite any support. Sorry for the ramblings.

 

[rollinat]

Hi KP

Really sorry to feel you're feeling so rough, KP. My psychologist tried to explain how the mind can get stuck in well-worn grooves, so that as soon as you feel a little low - as everybody does at times - then your mind kind of fills in the gaps, thinks it recognises how this works and so before you know it you're right down at the bottom again. The way she described it, it certainly wasn't about blame or finding fault, but just that it was a natural reaction. So I guess accepting the good days can maybe help, and that it's not your fault that a crash happens, so not giving bad days more significance than good days. I hasten to add, I find this all very difficult, and then head into thinking that it really is my fault because in some way maybe I want to be depressed.

Sorry not to be of more help. Take care of yourself.


Rollinat

 

[Soren]

hi kp1, you sound a lot like me. sometimes i do everything right: getting exercise, eating right, trying to think positively etc etc. i feel like i'm doing ok for a while, then i hit the floor again.

sometimes, something triggers it, sometimes not. so just like you, i start to blame myself. i upset everyone around me by being angry and miserable. i even hate the people who try to help me most, and then feel even more guilty for doing that.

i then start to think that the whole "depression" thing is an inadequate way of understanding whats going on. i know that it, kind of, really is an illness. but that interpretation somehow stops ringing true when you're really suffering. or at least, it doesn't help.

it sounds like you have similar feelings? or maybe i'm putting words in your mouth. in any case, as usual, i have no answers.

 

[Soren]

rollinat's post appeared while i was writing mine - a much better reply. far more helpful and positive. ignore mine. by the way, i love your trees kp1.

 

[rollinat]

Soren, I read your reply and thought you'd said things much better than I had managed! We are our own harshest critics, I guess.

 

[jamesdean]

Hikp1 one thing youmust always remember is it isnt your fault,I never blame myself anymore its an illness just like myphysical health conditionsI far more likely blame them because of mh, the only fight in this world is the mh service honestly they should not be discharging you when you need the support, I had a right battle yesterday but I wouldnt even go to an apointment without an advocacy worker now because they dont give a damm.

 

[KP1]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I think this whole business of depression is so confusing. I had a good therapy session today and my therapist confirmed that some of the things I was thinking were indeed the depression.
I see my therapist privately now and I can honestly say its of far more benefit than the short appointments I have with the mental health services and I feel freer in what I can talk about however dark they may be and trust her a lot more.

 

[rollinat]

Hi KP - glad to hear you had a good session with your therapist and that it's helpful. Hope to see you around soon.


Rollinat

 

[Marchhare]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I think this whole business of depression is so confusing. I had a good therapy session today and my therapist confirmed that some of the things I was thinking were indeed the depression.
I see my therapist privately now and I can honestly say its of far more benefit than the short appointments I have with the mental health services and I feel freer in what I can talk about however dark they may be and trust her a lot more.

Hope you don't mind me asking but how much does your private therapy cost?
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