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Recovery or Progress - Can't Decide

F

FallenAngel2

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Nov 8, 2014
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5 months ago I had a meltdown. Everything was just confused shit I guess. Family being unsupportive and friends just turning away. It became dark. Gave into frustration and aggression. A real kind of 2011 moment all over again. Reaching that point when 3rd party help is needed. So into the meat grinder that was Mental Health services and begun a quite intensive treatment program. What I mean is, more drugs and less interaction. That was me for nearly 8 weeks. Just wake up, acknowledge my existence and then pills and bed. Sadly not a happy dream to write about.

Then November 20th. I went for a walk on the nature reserve up the road from me. For once the fog of Quetiapine wasn't long lasting. I decided I needed change. The current Status Quo could not go on forever. I was fed up with the same routine which I found suffocating and pacifying. I made the choice to stop my meds. It wasn't best idea in terms of not following protocol and seeking medical advice, but understand when you hit rock bottom like I did and needing an extreme event to kick start what is to be an internal revolution, you need to start with something and this was the only thing I had instant control over. For days yes I felt shit, confused, paranoid and scared.

As time went by I noticed by awareness increasing and concentration improving. I rediscovered some of my social skills and was overcome with ambition again. So, I have decided to give my career another go. Had some interviews which I wasn't successful, but I have another next week. I am determind to finish my house improvements off and make efforts with most. I am back at work and it isn't great, but it's something.

It doesn't change my diagnosis. It's still there. I find all the old symptoms. I talk to myself too much and convince myself sometimes of things that aren't there. I have learnt new techniques to help me when I really have an episode. Been a few of those. I find either a quiet place somewhere alone or music helps. Music has been important. I find it overlaps the voices that sometimes come into my head. I have spoken to my doctors who are keeping an arms length, but they scare me. They told me if I ever felt I couldn't cope, the drug route is still there. I have changed my diet. Eat more fish and fruit and veg. Also I am exercising more.

I do ask myself, is it recovery? Or progress? It feels like progress. The thing is even with the illness, I feel much more human than I ever did when I was healthy. It's like I feel and see things so differently.

I have hitch-hiked my way onto my own wagon and the fight really begins to stay on it, despite any sharp turns or bumps. I should really try and make an effort with you guys on here. Especially those who are struggling. Not pump you full of false positivities, but just acknowledge you are there and that I am here as the gatepost. :)

Sorry so long and thanks for reading.
 
megirl

megirl

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Hey thanks so much for sharing and your story hits home
I wonder now that i am pretty well why cant i just adjust the meds see how things go?
Who knows but yeh well done to you
xx
 
F

FallenAngel2

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Nov 8, 2014
Messages
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Hey thanks so much for sharing and your story hits home
I wonder now that i am pretty well why cant i just adjust the meds see how things go?
Who knows but yeh well done to you
xx
Thanks :)

I would say in terms of medication, if it's doing the job and you are totally comfortable with them and handle the side effects, stick with them. I know it goes against what I did, but if you want to visit the meds you take, see the doctor and see if there is any alternative. I struggled with the side effects massively. That's why I took drastic action.

It feels like big things to me, when to others it is minor. What I did know was that doing the wallowing in self hate was getting me nowhere

xx
 
T

Topcat

Guest
Glad you're feeling ok :)

Also, a reminder why I'm glad I never started the meds :)

Here's to flying solo :clap:
 
S

suzy

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Jun 26, 2009
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1,064
Sounds like stability

For eg I recovered from my episode, docs described me as "symptoms in remission" It is now 7 yrs, but I am not recovered from bipolar, just in remission. Hopefully it lasts the rest of my life lol

Im also into music, eat well etc should exercie more though, but I am on lithium 500mg too :/
 
B

blueorange

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Nov 27, 2014
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Sounds like stability

For eg I recovered from my episode, docs described me as "symptoms in remission" It is now 7 yrs, but I am not recovered from bipolar, just in remission. Hopefully it lasts the rest of my life lol

Im also into music, eat well etc should exercie more though, but I am on lithium 500mg too :/
7 years! Knock on wood lol, you're so lucky.
 
F

FallenAngel2

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Nov 8, 2014
Messages
366
All that hard work and pow guess what?

I have a major episode at work! Yay! Tempted fate and wham it hits me full on in the arse.

Anger, desperation, hurt and manic kicked in.

So, what am I gonna do about it?

Well, I have with me items that could cause harm, alcohol and my meds. I think that'll do it.
 
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megirl

megirl

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Joined
Apr 9, 2010
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8,172
Location
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Dont harm yourself hun,
be all make mistakes but you need to ring someone you are in a distressed state and please get some help or support
thinking of you
x
 

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