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dee_doodles

Member
Joined
Jul 24, 2016
Messages
5
i just discharged from inpatient to outpatient. the hospital I'm at has a further step down program. something like an independent living house. while inpatient, i refused to take any sort of medication. it wasn't until about a month ago that the doctor started me on lexapro. i hated it. it helped and that's what scared me. after i saw what it did to me (in a positive way) i freaked out from the progress i was making. so i faked taking them for 2 days until i was caught. due to insurance, i had to make a contract saying i was committed to to staying on the med for long term. I continued to take the lexapro until 2 days ago. now that i'm discharged i stopped taking the lexapro cold turkey. i know that is really not good. i'm afraid i'm going to have really bad withdrawal symptoms. any advice??
 
pepecat

pepecat

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 19, 2010
Messages
13,794
Location
middle earth
Sounds pretty scary for you to deal with. What freaked you out so much about making positive progress?
 
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dee_doodles

Member
Joined
Jul 24, 2016
Messages
5
i've had this illness for a long time. the behaviors become a habit. its a very complex illness. when i got to treatment i had no intentions of getting better. i lied about everything. i did behaviors in secret and denied that even when i was confronted. i did everything i could to protect my eating disorder. my eating disorder is my best friend. eventually, my team got tired of my continuous anger and noncompliance. directly after insurance cut me off. i had to get my act together or i would be homeless. my parents refused ti take me back home if i was still entrenched. so i cleaned up my mess. i did what i had to. and i felt good. i was slowly learning to like recovery. i finally saw that it was possible for me. when i heard all the positive feedback from my team it scared me. i wanted to go back to the safety net that the eating disorder projects. i was constantly feel anxious and overwhelmed. i am afraid of uncomfortable emotions. like happiness and accomplishment. i'm used to feeling bad all the time
 
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BernieMc

Active member
Joined
Jun 7, 2016
Messages
33
I definitely have a lifetime of experience of ED and advice of Lexapro. Sadly I relate to ED being a best friend. There is something comforting in sadness when it is the only way you ever really felt. Only someone who feels like us would understand. The familiarity of feeling this way also makes us comfortable or even seek out further abusive venues- as in bad relationship and friendship choices. I was dating this horrible man who drank atleast 9 big tins of beer a day. I know because he had no job and made me buy them daily for him. He stank of cigarette smoke, and said extremely abusive things to me and harmed me physically as well. It hit me like a ton of bricks one day when I realized he is exactly like my mother. Even his vanity and arrogance matched hers. ED is just like another abusive friend or partner. But when we are 'with him' we can't see the truth. We just see the comfort and a temporary fix of loneliness - while we continue to harm ourselves.

Lexapro- cold turkey? I did that. I had a major breakdown in December 2014 and the doctor added higher doses to my medications. Then in February I was still in a very bad state. I thought quitting my medications cold turkey would be like being spiteful or somehow show I was sick of being patronized by doctors prescripting drugs collecting their pay checks while I am like a zombie struggling to keep my job and living below the poverty line. However after the first five days or a week I started a huge withdrawal but still would not take my medications. I had nights sweats, tremors, intense thoughts on random things and would loose myself in my racing thoughts. It was like I had a secret. I quit my medications and know one knows. I a taking back what others alloted I should need as I am a like discarded glob of waste because I am mentally ill.

However.... After six weeks of quitting my medications my ideas where getting more and more destructive. The war I created with me against the world had me defeated. And the funny, ironic or pathetic thing is- no one even knew but me.

The physical withdrawals of the medication took three weeks. And I am pretty sure a very dangerous thing to do physiologically to your body not even counting the mental health aspects.

Here is the thing. I am in my 40s and had an eating disorder since I was 14. I was in foster care, homeless, in the hospital from getting my skull fractured from the only man I thought would ever love me. And no one cares. That is the key! No one cares. Now move on with your life because you are the one living it. My mother used to get drunk nearly every night when I was a young child. And she was violent. And every night she would tell me as a child all the abuses and losses she had in her 'wasted life'. And she would lament every night how no one truly cared. Because if they did care- they would do this or would do that- but no one ever did. My eldest brother is a mental health professional - and he was the one to tell me this. How our mother would say over and over again how no one cared. And if that was true for her reality- then fine. No one cares. Now that has been established - move on. Talking about how no one cares is holding anyone back. Yup. That's right- no one cares. So why torture yourself with destructive behaviours just to give a living legacy of how no one cares? I had a chip on my shoulder when my family gave me up to foster homes. I never touched drink or drugs, had any boyfriends, or did anything typical teenage crazy rebellious stuff. They were violent drunks and I am tossed away like I am the problem. I was bitter for years. How could a goody-good mousey girl like me be thrown to the wolves when all the popular kids doing drugs and staying out late every night get cars and expensive clothes given to them by their parents. No one cares. Now after maybe 30 years I stopped carrying too. I still have ED but I don't date abusive people anymore. That is something atleast. And with the ED - I do feel like I am disgustingly overweight - even though the children sized clothing I wear fits me. I have resigned myself is - yes I am fat. Many really fat people know they are fat too and do not much about it. So I try to join their mindset when I think of my body. It's okay- no one cares anyway.��
 
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dee_doodles

Member
Joined
Jul 24, 2016
Messages
5
i'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. you don't deserves such pain and suffering. i agree that the ed is like an abusive relationship. when i'm not in it i can only remember the good things about it that i want to go back to but i forget about all the bad that came along with it.

regarding the lexapro, i'm not sure how far i'll get without being confronted about it. i kind of want to see how stopping cold turkey will affect my body. it's a sick game i play. i know it is. how far can i push my body. it's almost like i'm against my body. that's what fuels my ed. to what limits can i push. but they say the sickest ed person is dead. and sadly i wanted to be that.


i'm just lost right now. trying to find my way
 
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diabolicalme

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 10, 2014
Messages
121
Location
London
dee_doodles I totally relate. I'm in such a bad place right now I don't want to comment further, but any info you want about coming off meds..this site is brill Beyond Meds I'm generally anti-meds but still stuck on some myself and being pressurised to take more.

BernieMc thanks for your post. I'm in my 50s and been struggling with EDs, depression, anxiety, BPD, phobias for decades and came to the conclusion a while back we're on our own in this life & no one cares really, and we're only punishing (& killing) ourselves with these behaviours. Or is that my doom & gloom self talking? I currently need a reason, a path to live for, a passion or whatever, otherwise what use are any of these therapies and treatments? Oh, and a big dollop of resilience since I'm on my own & no one cares. It's tough.
 
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dee_doodles

Member
Joined
Jul 24, 2016
Messages
5
thanks for your response diabolicalme. thank you for the website recommendation.

i think that once a person has their mental health at a manageable state, a person is able to see the point of living. when you're so deep in it, there is no possibility of anything good getting through to your heart. maybe that's why you're feeling so hopeless. don't get me wrong, i feel like that too. but I've been in a place where i did better. you don't need a reason to live. just the experience of life from day to day is a good enough reason.

being on your own doesn't mean no one cares. I'm a firm believer that people do care, but you have to find the right people. you might not meet them until the end of your lifetime but even that's worth it.
 
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poppygran

New member
Joined
Jul 25, 2016
Messages
4
Think that's a great answer, it is as if no one cares, cause what can anyone do really? Its so hard with mental illness. I've just gone back on meds now cause no other choice. Its been so long and I still haven't found the answer. Sorry to sound so negative
 
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dee_doodles

Member
Joined
Jul 24, 2016
Messages
5
don't apologize for having emotions. it's okay to be negative. mental health illnesses are extremely difficult to live with. it's not really about finding answers, it's about accepting that there is no answers. answers come at the end of your lifetime when you move on to the next world. there is no one thing that heals, everyone needs something different. there are so many different combinations of treatment available.

i do think medications have been really helpful to the community as a whole. logically, medication along with therapy should be helpful. a mental illness can be healed from mental internal work and psychiatric drugs.

i have a hard time allowing myself to accept the effectiveness of the chemical changes the medication can do.
 
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