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Recently Divorced & Suicidal

K

Kris_Tha

New member
Joined
Oct 10, 2019
Messages
1
Location
London, UK
Hello. I joined these forums because I live alone and have nobody to talk to that will help me with my problems.

I am on some meds for Bipolar or similar and there has been no formal diagnosis on me accept they say drug (cannabis) induced psycosis. I had what I thought was a beautiful dream and was recently married in Canada last year with a wife I cared about but I was using a lot of Cannabis as it generally helped me a lot with some emotional pain when my dog died etc in the UK and one night my ex wife and father in law came around to my apartment and I thought in my mind for some reason they were about to facilitate a breakup and send me back to the UK. I don't think her father liked me much.

I was so convinced and felt backed into a corner that I reached into my pocket and grabbed what I could which was my epi pen and took the cap off asking them to leave. I don't know why I did it I was so scared and intoxicated. Then the next day my wife did not return until the night police came and they used her voice to say she was at the door, so i opened it then I saw them and said if they did not leave me alone I would jump off the balcony, they tasered me and my wife visited me in hospital once to tell me it was over. The rest of the month after that I was trapped in hospital on a locked ward not even being able to comprehend where my freedom or joy and reason to live went.

I couldn't believe what I had done and how everything seemed to happen so fast, how id lost everything especially someone i loved. I was with my ex wife for 5 years and married for less.

After that even after my ex Laura was long gone, I refused to go home to the UK because I loved it so much in Canada but I still spent months in and out of hospital. Positing that I was suicidal a few times AND BEING PICKED UP BY THE POLICE. I tried dating where i met new people but because of the timing of the divorce i could not move on in time for someone else. I spent a lot of time alone too, When it failed again after dating a woman for a while.

I lost control and smashed my apartment and STREAMED about what happened, around christmas last year I was harming myself for hours alone before deciding on calling the police on myself. I spent last Christmas in hospital. I wanted to die after I lost my wife and I still do but the meds just hold me in place not going too far but i feel very depressed and low. I was unfairly kept against my will 4 times in hospital after the silence my wife left me set in. The SWAT team had to come because they thought I was too dangerous in my apartment and twice they dragged me to hospital this way. I stayed until my last day on my visa before I came home with tears in my eyes to the UK, which I live now and I really can't bear.

I miss speaking with my ex mother in law and all the beautiful scenery and when I look I can actually see places I loved even when I am in London and they haunt me the whole expereince really haunts me and hurts. I been drinking a little and smoking cigarettes and I cant stop either of these either. I have no desire to meet women because I am so hurt about it and although I am seeing someone I still feel the gap from the love my ex wife and I had. It hurts and I don't know how to cope, I really hate the UK and can't get out of this minds set. I thought I would be in Canada forever. I know I have something wrong with me mentally but dont know exactly which is hard.

All I know is the longer I am in the UK the harder it will be to come to terms with what happened. I hate the country and the way everything is compared to what I was used to, and people just put up with the ancient systems and pollution.I hate the racially driven Brexit and everything else. On top of all this loss and any unknowing mental conditions I may have I am deeply drepressed, dont want to wake up some days, or work out or eat and Im hiding all this from someone I am seeing. Even after a year after divorce I don't know if I am ever going to find someone and I just wanted it to be what I just had, I cant come to terms with what has happened.

On top of this I have no money so had to sign on the dole which makes me feel even worse. I really lost everything in Canada including my mind.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,115
Location
Nowhere
hi Kris

sorry that is a bit too long for me to read right now
but maybe later

just wanted to welcome you

:welcome: :grouphug:
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
44,177
Location
Lancashire
I am so sorry all that happened to you. I think the paranoia caused by cannabis can be very destructive. Did they force you out of the country then? Signing on isn't so bad, you will get your act together once the dust has settled and you know what direction you wish to take.

I wish you well and hope that others will be along soon
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,115
Location
Nowhere
yes and maybe move to a more rural location
or a smaller town
I live on the edge of a small town
and the scenery is one of the best here
 
KMV

KMV

Member
Joined
Oct 11, 2019
Messages
15
Location
London
Hi there,

Sorry to hear you have had such a rough go. I don't have any experience with psychosis but hope that you are able to get stabilized...getting your feelings out here will help.

Sending well wishes from Canada :)
 
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