Really struggling

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Tasha1819

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#1
Natasha_1904
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23 Apr 2019 22:06
Need some help and advice as I'm really at the end of my tether. My husband has had it suggested to him that he may have borderline personality disorder. Tbh I suspect its much, much worse than that. I'm his full time carer (or try to be) he would probably tell you otherwise. His temper , episodes are just so hard to deal with and I just don't feel strong enough anymore. He gets no support from the GP or the mental health system. Its all left for me to deal with and it's just absolutely impossible. He's also addicted to cannabis. Which just adds to the stress of it all. When he goes into an episode he goes. I'm the worst wife in the world, he hates me and he'll start smashing the house up. I don't know how I'm supposed to live like this for the rest of my life when the people who should be helping him just don't. We don't have anything to do with friends or family so we are isolated from the world. There obviously is a lot more to it than that but don't want to bore you with the details Any advice on how to deal with this wound be appreciated.
 
calypso

calypso

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#2
:welcome: to the forum. I think that the behaviour isn't just BPD to be honest. BPD gets blamed for a lot of things, a sort of dumping ground diagnosis, and isn't necessarily what you are experiencing. It sounds awful for you. Is he ever violent towards you? That said, I'm not saying its not BPD, it could be, no-one can diagnose on a forum obviously.

Have you ever heard of Relate | The relationship people which is an organisation for people in relationships that have problems. You can go as a couple or on your own. There is a waiting list obviously, but its worth a thought. I don't know if there is anything near you though.

Have you talked to your GP about this and asked if he can direct you to anywhere that might help. You never know.

Keep talking to us and lets see if we can't support you through this time.
 
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Tasha1819

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#3
I don't believe it is bpd anymore. He has been violent in the past but no recently. He has no remorse in him, no empathy and doesn't see anything wrong in anything he does ever. We have been to the GP in the past and they only ever refer us to a mental health team who say we have to wait a year on a list to even be considered for DBT. He believes in his head that everything is always my fault and wont take any responsibility makes me feel like I'm going crazy. He will call me names and if I retaliate that's it the house is getting smashed up I just don't know what to do for the best and leaving him isn't an option.
 
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dewey

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#4
I don't believe it is bpd anymore. He has been violent in the past but no recently. He has no remorse in him, no empathy and doesn't see anything wrong in anything he does ever. We have been to the GP in the past and they only ever refer us to a mental health team who say we have to wait a year on a list to even be considered for DBT. He believes in his head that everything is always my fault and wont take any responsibility makes me feel like I'm going crazy. He will call me names and if I retaliate that's it the house is getting smashed up I just don't know what to do for the best and leaving him isn't an option.
Why isn't leaving him an option
To be honest if he's smashing up the house it sounds like more of a police thing than a mental health thing, even if there's mental health issues. Isn't your safety more of a priority here?
 
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Tasha1819

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#5
Well I have nowhere to go. He has nowhere to go. The police have been involved before and said smashing up the house isn't a crime as it's both of our home. I went to the council before during an episode and said I needed out. I wanted to be put in a refuge. They said as he is the one being violent he is the one who should leave not me. And there were no spaces available in a refuge. I ended up back in the house with the police coming 6 hours later do I don't really have any confidence in any authority anymore.
 
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dewey

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#6
Well I have nowhere to go. He has nowhere to go. The police have been involved before and said smashing up the house isn't a crime as it's both of our home. I went to the council before during an episode and said I needed out. I wanted to be put in a refuge. They said as he is the one being violent he is the one who should leave not me. And there were no spaces available in a refuge. I ended up back in the house with the police coming 6 hours later do I don't really have any confidence in any authority anymore.
So he hasn't been physically violent towards you, more anger taken out on the objects of the house?
That's bad there were no spaces in the refuge. Sounds terrible so few options seem available.
Sounds like he definitely needs anger management, counselling, something like that.
Couldn't you rent on your own to 'take a break'
 
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Tasha1819

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#7
No no way that would be possible. I care for him and that's my only income. I just wish I could get him some help and he would see the lights but the chances of that are looking very slim. The doctors just fob me off. So does everyone and I just don't know how to deal with the situation on my own.
 
L

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#8
Hi Tasha

So sorry you're going through this.

Do you have a spare room in the house that you could make his 'rage room' and fill it with cushions and rubber balls...a punch bag....anything that can tolerate his frustration without breaking.

You have to get through to him that you don't have the money to keep replacing these breakages and this is your HOME.

I am very relieved that this physical venting is not aimed at you but he has to get help because this isn't a situation that will cure itself.

There is something going on that needs medical intervention.

In the meantime, can you make your own coping strategy - if he feels that way he needs to retreat to the 'rage room' and not come out until it passes.

It would be better to get old crockery from the council tip and let him smash it against the garden wall than destroy your home.

I don't think I would let him feel too secure in the knowledge that you can't leave. If he thinks you are trapped, he has no incentive to moderate his behaviour.

Big hug sweetheart and keep talking to us xx :hug:
 
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Tasha1819

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#9
He doesn't care about our home, he doesn't care about me. He doesn't care about anyone else other than him self and his addiction. How do I go about getting him physical intervention when noone will listen :( I've tried till I'm blue in the face to make him realise what he's putting me threw and doing to our home and he just blames me I'm sick of it
 
L

Lunar Lady

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#10
At the moment, there are no consequences for his behaviour - so he has no need to change.

He thinks you're trapped and can't leave.

He knows the police won't arrest him because he's destroying his own property.

He's not interested if you are happy or not.

Sounds as if he can just carry on doing what he's doing quite happily.

You can only look after yourself in this - he is not exercising any self control or showing you any consideration. I think you want this to be part of a diagnosable condition rather than accepting he is unpleasant and oblivious to the misery he causes you.

Nobody will legally have any right to intervene unless he hurts you.

There is no reason for you to continue caring for him - it's making you miserable. You are entitled to respite care. Perhaps arrange for respite care and stay with a friend or relative for a few days to give him time to realise that you are not obligated to put up with him - you can leave if you want to. If he's afraid of you leaving, he may well control his behaviour and behave more considerately.

I really feel for you but you need to be strong. xx