people obsess over what they dont have. and they think everyone else is obsessing over it too. but people that have it dont even know it exists, because they just take it for granted, so they dont even realize you dont have it. Nobody else believes you dont have social skills except yourself, because youre the only one that knows you dont have it. its not your lack of social skills that bothers people its your worrying about it does. because you cant relax. its your fear that blocks your ability to interact and connect, its not your lack of social skills. people that have great social skills like oprah are too perfect. their skill in that area hides their natural humanity. does oprah even have any friends? people like to see someone who is really bad at something and still maintains confidence. its inspiring. they are not hiding behind skills.
There is much truth in this.
To Halle29. I always used to think people didn't like me, that there was something fundamentally wrong with me. Took me a long time.
There are some things I have learnt, I want to share them with you. Also you can always develop more social skills, there is always room for growth. There are literally endless guides on the internet and youtube about this kind of thing.
I'm not saying you do or don't already do any of the following: just that these are guidelines that have helped me, so they may help you
One is, everyone is fundamentally preoccupied with themselves. This means, quite often, the only way to actually make a positive impact on people, is to really consider them in your interactions. A lot of this is 'are you alright? did you have a nice weekend?' or remembering that they have just had a niece born, or they had a blood test the other day.
Part of it is also being aware this person needs help. When you help people, you have made a positive contribution to them, they remember you favourably. Help people as much as you can, not only when they ask for it, but when you spot they need it.
People like it when you give genuine compliments. Don't give fake compliments, and don't give too many compliments. But something you genuinely notice. Notice changes in people's appearance. Oh did you die your hair? Etc. Notice a little change.
Another thing, don't try to draw attention to yourself, even subtly or indirectly. Ego is very bad, but frequently people make the mistake of drawing to attention to their own qualities, accomplishments etc, not only in a way that is necessarily showy-offy, but some people do it in a very very subtle way, just to get a notice. When people do this,it actually acts as a turn-off. You don't sound like someone who would do this, because you say you don't like attention drawn toyou, but still I think even quiet people do it in indirect ways.
If you are working in a team, completely abolish your sense of ego. Success is about success of the team, never about you.
Another thing is, hating yourself and hating life is really bad for social interaction. If you commit to therapy, and try to work on yourself, eventually, in the long-run, it becomes a lot easier to interact with people. This is because you can focus on THEM more easily when you are less preoccupied with yourself.
Another thing is, people gravitate towards calmness in people. So try to nurture that within yourself. It wouldn't hurt you to take on board the 'give less ****s' philosophy. See 'the subtle art of not giving a ****'.
Don't be afraid to express a genuine opinion. Not being a pushover is about finding a middleground between your needs and the needs of others. That's what great negotiation skills are about. What do I really want from this situation? And what does the other person really want? Where possible, frame things in terms of what the other person wants. Remember the focus of social interaction is mainly about them, not you.
A balanced conversation, however, should always contain an equal weighting between things about you and things about them, that way it's an exchange.
Smiling, positivity, and reassuring others is also another thing that people look for. But also remember, the people that are worthwhile are always the ones who value you for you. It is absolutely okay to be unashamedly yourself, and you shouldn't be doubting everything you do.
Ultimately, you can't win them all. There are always kinds of people that you will like and won't like and vice versa, that's what makes life not a bore. There's always someone who will rub you up the wrong way or be insensitive.
Forgive yourself for whatever happened in the past. The past is history. Absolutely everyone fucks up sometime, and there's a scale for how bad they do it, too. You're probably not that bad compared to Hitler... Remind yourself you are only human.
