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Really sad, depressed and lonely

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amber1

Active member
Joined
Jan 29, 2015
Messages
43
I'm so sad right now. I'm 52, I live alone, have hardly any friends, no job or partner, frankly I think I may just be rubbish at this 'living' thing. Bipolar 1, depressed since age 19...yeah there have been good times too, the depression wasn't constant back then, I still had hope. My parents didn't give me a bad start in life, my brother's done really well, cousins all really successful. I showed so much promise as a youngster but it's all ended up screwed.

I was on several different meds but still ended up going 'high' last September. Spent several months in a fool's paradise. Being on all the meds did not stop me from feeling almost constantly suicidal for several years. So I want to try and get by without them for a while if I can. They don't work for everybody I'm afraid.

I'm trying to stay off websites on the subject of suicide (which I habitually frequented for several years) and find help and support elsewhere including in real life. Obviously I'm gonna feel depressed right now, I've just come off a high, this is nothing new to me but my God it feels so lonely.

Any comments and advice very welcome, but please don't go on and on about medication. I've tried pretty much everything going in the 33 years since I was diagnosed! Guess I just feel defeated right now. If meds are working for you I'm pleased for you but I'm on the verge of giving up.
 
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purple_elephants

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 26, 2012
Messages
158
Amber 1, I am sorry you feel so badly. I do too. I posted a post just a bit ago which is quite similar in tone to you, but add in suicidal thoughts too.

I can't give any advice at t he moment, but wanted you to know that you are not suffering alone. I get it. We get it.

I can't work, single, still living at home at 30. Meds don't work for me either, I am either allergic or very sensitive to the levels. Or, they just don't help. I was diagnosed fairly recently, spring of 2011, but so far, this sucks.
 
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amber1

Active member
Joined
Jan 29, 2015
Messages
43
Hey purple elephants, I really appreciate your thoughtful response. It is indeed good to know one's not alone at times like these...so easy to forget. I will try to read your post if I can find it. I had a feeling my depression would kick in bad at some point and it kind of happened today, but it's nothing I haven't been through before, and survived. Believe me I have a very thorough understanding of suicidal thoughts, both my own and other people's. I wish I had never heard the word 'bipolar' or had to utter it and use it so many times in my life. To me it's frankly a curse. I hope today held at least something good for you however small purple elephants.
 
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Christobel

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 6, 2014
Messages
1,075
Location
South west
Just had to reply to your message, it was a cry from the heart. I am a retired person (69). I have unipolar rather than bipolar, meaning I get the lows but no highs. Like you I have trawled through the suicide sites on the web but I promised my psychiatrist I would stop doing that and I have. I am on Lithium (sorry) which I find keeps depression at bay. Glad you have found the forum!
 
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amber1

Active member
Joined
Jan 29, 2015
Messages
43
Hey Christobel, thanks for your response. I don't mind hearing what works for people at all, I might even give lithium another shot, I tried it years ago, to be honest I am getting pretty desperate now, have an appointment to see the psych on Monday. I am not going to be able to go meds free, I can see that now. This is mental torture to be honest. All my hatred and negativity is now turned away from the world and onto myself. It's truly horrible. I can't eat, if I manage to sleep I dread waking up, I'm scared to be alone but I'm also paranoid with other people and constantly look for signs of rejection, I can't stand my own neediness when I'm like this. The only positive thing I can say about it is this is probably as bad as it will get and I just need to hang in there and endure it, keep breathing and the worst will pass...

Well done for surviving unipolar depression (no picnic) to the age of 69. If I managed to reach that age I would consider it an achievement!
 
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coper333

New member
Joined
Feb 1, 2015
Messages
2
Hey amber1 sorry you're going through it. I am too. I know how desperate you must feel. I am not bipolar but have schizoaffective disorder, which is pretty much awfully. I am 53, and, like you, am very lonely with it. Have no friends, which is why I have come on to this forum, to make new ones and make a start. I hope your day today is better than yesterday . Xx
 
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amber1

Active member
Joined
Jan 29, 2015
Messages
43
Hi coper, thanks so much for your response. Sorry to hear you too are experiencing loneliness and the difficulties of living with a mental health condition. Yesterday held some better moments from me than Friday. I guess even in the midst of gloom there are sometimes some chinks of light. Today I am at my Mum's place, still struggling with depression. Mum has never really had mental health problems and functions very effectively in the world. I often feel a bit useless when I am here, even though the company is comforting I guess. I often feel somewhat relieved to return home, despite the loneliness! I live in London, and there are innumerable opportunities to get out and do things with other people if I can nerve myself up for it. Anyway, thanks again coper, I am glad you have found the forum and hope that you will benefit from getting to know some of the people here. I will be looking out for your posts!:)
 
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coper333

New member
Joined
Feb 1, 2015
Messages
2
Hi amber1 Glad you've had a better day :) I lost my Mum last year, who also didn't have a mental health problem. Since Mum died, my coping strategies haven't been all that good. It's a big world out there isn't it, but I just lack the confidence of just meeting new people. I keep thinking I'm going to die all the time, I think that is due to losing Mum. Going to try and do voluntary work. I just need to push myself to do it. Here's hoping Make the most of time with your Mum xx
 
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amber1

Active member
Joined
Jan 29, 2015
Messages
43
Thanks coper, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum. Actually you sound as if you are coping pretty well considering, it's a good idea to try and take on some voluntary work, I often look to that as a way to try and redeem myself. I struggle with feeling useless and irrelevant and of no help to other people whatsoever, so it would be good to find some kind of service position though I too am scared of people. Hope you keep sharing here coper if it helps, it's good to be able to report on any progress or ideas.
 
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