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Really really bad day today

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dj1UK

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 8, 2015
Messages
90
I know everyone hates me, especially people close to me. It rips me apart. The person I talk to the most, wanted me to give them space for a few days so I did. I talked to them when they messaged me and every time they talked to me, it was to argue about something as small as me texting them concerned for them when they posted an upset status on facebook. Just tonight, that person said they don't like me and deleted me, all because I said that "to try to like the person, you have to talk to them". They seemed to jump to the conclusion that what they thought was right (they thought I meant they weren't trying) and seemed happy to delete me.


The fact that they wanted space away from me, left me feeling alone and now that they've left, I literally have no one that would bother with me. I guess maybe I'm a mean, horrible person. I really don't know but everything indicates that I am.


I've had enough. I really really wanted to stay strong but I physically can't, not anymore. I just can't do it.


I have my family here passing me by as I'm wiping away tears and covering my mouth so they can't hear me upset because this is a good time of year for them and I don't want to spoil it and be blamed for that too. I can't take more blame.

The only reason... actually no 2 reasons to why I haven't died are that I don't want to wreck this time from my family and potentially have my parents loose my siblings to some social services person who thinks they'll just end up like me. And that I literally can't find a place to buy a firearm. I wouldn't take pills because well, they're not reliable and can be pumped out of your system.

There's too much pain, hatred and blame on me and I can't not notice it's my fault. It's just got too much to bare.
 
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dj1UK

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 8, 2015
Messages
90
just wanted to send you love and say nobody on here hates you xx
Thank you for your kind words.

I'm kinda feeling like a lost cause atm. I've been sat here for the past 3 hours trying to build up some form of courage to email a health place but I can't do it because it just gets me to open up to someone with the possibility of them leaving like others. The risk just feels far too high xx
 
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dj1UK

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 8, 2015
Messages
90
I just messaged a young persons mental health website but I said to myself, if I message them then 1) I set up a new email account 2) I don't leave a name.

I don't know what good it'll do but hey we'll see. I have lots of people saying it's not my fault and I'm not to blame but the point is, I do feel to blame and saying that I'm not to blame, actually make me feel worse too. It's a catch 22 - could say I am to blame and I'd feel worse, same as if someone were to tell me I'm not to blame because then it just highlights that well if I'm not to blame then why do I feel like this.. there must be another reason like I'm just a tower with layers of problems instead of just a person.
 
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