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Really need someone to talk too

Cal

Cal

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I haven't seen Carnival Row, only trailers for it, is it any good? And yeah, I know what you mean, in real life I struggle talking to people and worse still is using the phone lol. I don't really know too much about CPTSD, I have been diagnosed with the regular variety though, is it similar?
 
K

KitKat90

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So far the show is pretty good.
It is similar. It’s complex PTSD. I was abused growing up. The trauma was almost daily. I actually blocked my mother’s number today. Not sure how that’s going to go. She is a narcissist. I don’t really know if she knows how to love anyone.
 
K

KitKat90

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Who knows, if that’s why my anxiety is so bad. I remember just wanting to become so small I would disappear. I was always walking on eggshells around her. I never knew what would set her off. The physical and emotional abuse was more than I could take.
 
Cal

Cal

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Ah, it does sound similar then, and in that case I know it's hard. That definitely sounds like it would be a solid likelihood for causing an anxiety problem, it must have been really hard to live like that. I'm glad you are away from her and are removing her from your life
 
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KitKat90

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I did self harm at 13. CPS was called but I lied about what was going on. I didn’t want her to get in trouble, plus I was scared. How messed up is that?

How long have you had PTSD?
 
K

KitKat90

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Sorry. If you don’t want to talk about it. I understand. It’s not easy it’s taken me along time to get to this point. I need to change things in my life but just don’t know how.
 
Cal

Cal

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Yikes! That is messed up, I'm really sorry to hear that. It's hard to know for sure because it went undiagnosed for a very long time, somewhere between 10-15 years. I only recently got the official diagnosis, along with one for borderline personality disorder. The BPD means I'm not always the most self-aware with emotional stuff
 
Cal

Cal

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Oh, I have no problem talking about it :) don't worry about that, if you have any questions feel free to ask
 
K

KitKat90

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I recently was diagnosed with it. Before this diagnosis it was depression, anxiety, ocd and different phobias. I think it just came out in different ways. When I was told about CPTSD it all made since.
 
Cal

Cal

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Ah yeah, I can see how those could be from the CPTSD, or at least related to it. I'm sorry to hear it has affected you so much. I have OCD, depression, and anxiety with my BPD and PTSD (BPD is notorious for comorbidities) and I'm being checked out for dissociative disorders. Between the two of us we have quite the list lol.

You said you had a husband and kids, right? do you all live together?
 
K

KitKat90

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Yes. We all live together. My husband works shifts so he is always tried. I think he doesn’t know what to do to help me. I’ve talked about going to a hospital but the cost is crazy even with insurance. I feel guilty about it. I feel like I am abandoning my family. At the same time I can’t leave the house. I get all my shopping done online. I know it’s no way to live but that’s where I am.
I may try another online therapist.
 
Cal

Cal

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That sounds really hard. To be blunt, he probably doesn't know, I know my wife really struggles with knowing what to do for me. We're in a tricky situation because she just recently moved to the Midwest for work. And, it's even trickier because she had an affair just before leaving, and during the process of me finding out I found out it wasn't her first.

Not being able to leave the house is tough, it must make it really hard to make steps forward. The online therapist idea is good though, did it go well in the past?
 
K

KitKat90

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It’s definitely hard with relationships. I was actually having a dissociative episode for awhile. I really couldn’t explain what was going on. For awhile we didn’t talk much. He would get angry and I would shut down.

The therapist I had before did work with me for 6 weeks and then wanted me to come in. I did make it but it was difficult to get myself there. She made it clear that she would no longer do online therapy. Since I didn’t know if I could make it to her office every week, that was my last appointment. She did call me a few months after, wanting to pick up again but after that I lost my trust in her.
 
Cal

Cal

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It's a shame things got so rough :( it must've been awful. With me, it's my wife that shuts down and can be very tricky to get to open up at all.

Oh, that doesn't sound like you had a great experience with them, I'm surprised they were trying so hard to rush you in there when they presumably knew that would be something difficult for you.
 
K

KitKat90

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I don’t why she pushed it. I think it maybe because I had seen her before things got really bad for me. I called her to do the online therapy because I trusted her at first. I was surprised that she called me back after a few months to check on me and to start therapy again.

I shut down a lot but It’s more to do with not wanting to upset anyone. It’s not good, I know. I think he just wants me to be like I was.
 
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