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Really low self esteem and depression. Please help!

L

lowself85

New member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
1
Hey guys,
This could be a long complicated story. I'll try to keep it as short as possible.. But I would highly appreciate your guys advice. I have kept this to myself, apart from my Sister and Therapist (when I was having sessions).
I don't want to share the exact details, in case somebody I know could read this.
I am 30 years old and have been suffering from depression and low self-esteem for about 7 years now. This is my analysis :
It perhaps started in childhood already.
As a child I used to be teased a lot. Partially because I was the younger sibling and I was such a cry baby. This happened all the way until I was 13. I did fight back, and I unfortunately teased other children as well. But I feel those experiences might have contributed to my depression and low self-esteem.
My parents got divorced when I was 7 years old. My dad left the country and me and my sister stayed with our Mom. I took it very hard. But it was a clean divorce and I didn't see it coming at all. They hid the fights well, because I don't consciously at least remember them fighting.
My Mother used to call me Stupid a few times when I was younger after the divorce. I am not sure how many times. Could be only a few times or all the time. But I remember at least a few times and they are vividly in my memory. Maybe this caused me to feel stupid and unintelligent.
That's what I think my early childhood could have effected my present state.
When I became 13 I became a wannabe tough guy. I grew up in a somewhat rough neighbourhood. I started smoking and drinking. Used to go with a gang and Rob ciggies and small things from people. Maybe I thought I would get respect in that way?
Well, my Mom had enough of it, she couldn't handle me anymore so she sent me to my Dad. It definitely did me good. I stabilised and enjoyed life there.
I decided to move back to my moms country because I missed my old friends and family. I was 19 at the time.
I had to start high school again.
This was the time in my life that I had high self-esteem and high confidence. I was quite attractive back in my youth. I would of get girls relatively easily. It wasn't hard at all. I got into the whole player thing. Didn't though have really any serious relationships.
But I was enjoying life. Didn't really care so much what people thought about me. Contrary to now.. I used to be a host in many areas of the entertainment industry. And damn I was good at it. Give me a mic and I can make everybody, anywhere,anytime gad a great time. I did as well stand up with success.
But during that time I felt a little bugged that I'm just in high school and my friends from the past are in university. I started to feel stupid among them.
Also I started to get just a bit sensitive. If people said negative things to me, even as a joke with respect among friends, I would get slightly offended. Just a tiny bit. Nobody of course noticed. It was just a hair then.
The huge down fall started when I had my first and last serious relationship. I was so naive back then. Still am a bit. She was from Nigeria and I fell in love with her. Was with her roughly 8 months until I found out she was hiv positive. My love of my life wanted to effect me with one of the deadliest viruses out there. And we used no condom at all. And at times when I put it in. She says "this is all yours, take it". Knowing all along she is going to effect me. I was such in shock that I still wanted to be with her. Only after a weeks the shock subsided. And realised I fell in love with devil. As some of you know, there is what is called a 3 month window period that cannot confirm if you have contacted the virus or not. I took anyways dozens of tests out of paranoia. I literally thought I had the virus. I already acknowledged it. It was that clear to me. And during this time I obviously broke up with the devil. And she had the nerve still to say if you break up with me I will kill myself. I had to call the police and ambulance numerous times. She made me feel so guilty. Obviously now I know it where fake suicide attempts. But after 3 months I tested negative. Was such a relief. This was when I was 23. But even to this day I want to go test myself but I'm afraid to do so. Im scared that I have the virus. After the devil I only had intercourse with 3 girls. That is 3 girls in 7 years. The last time was when I was 25. This is over 5 years ago!!!
I believe this scenario has effected me greatly unconsciously. Even though consciously I got over it. I think, I'm not sure though. Maybe not.
My next down fall was after a year or so I went to move to London. I worked in a restaurant. I don't know what happened but inside a year my looks have turned so radically ugly, that it is unreal. At least to some extent physically but I'm not sure if it's only in my head. But people used to call me there old and unattractive. And you know what, when I look at the pictures. It is true. I didn't really take care of myself. I had a horrible comb over. That hit my self confidence to the extreme. I felt so unattractive still till this day because of that year. I want to believe I still have the looks but I know I've gotten older. But am I really that hideous that I think I am. I don't know.
During those years after the devil I really suffered psychologically. I slowly and surely felt more and more the feelings that I was worthless, I haven't accomplished anything, I'm a loser, nobody likes me, I am stupid, I am weird and after London, I am hideous. I get so offended if somebody says something negative to me, as a joke, or unintentional or feedback. Especially calling me stupid. As a joke. It hurts so bad.
All of these thoughts and feelings has grown so much, that it is apart of me. I am not sure if I'm bipolar or not. Most of the time I feel down, then all of the sudden I had burst of happiness. It could be bipolar. But I am not taking no medicine for that. I took antidepressants for a year and I got hooked on them and had bad side effects. No thank you.
I have moved all my life to country to country on thinking that I will get a fresh start, and everything will be good again. But my problems always come along with me. My problems are in my head.
So this is a brief analysis on why I feel this way today. I would really appreciate advice and feedback. I am not going to go to therapy because it costs too much and I have no time for it. But if you could advice me technics or help books, or whatever you think is best for me, I'll appreciate it so much.
My grandmother passed away 3 months ago. Ever since then my psychological health hass been improving. Because I am thinking life is too short to be depressed. Also I turned 30 a month ago, and I realise I'm wasting so much of my time depressed, it is not worth it. I am meditating twice a day, every day. I am reading help books. I go to the gym(I do have a great body). I quit smoking, already 10 months!. I eat all the foods to make me look younger. I really try to take care of my self. I am actually obsessed with it. Im doing everything humanly possible to get better skin and to look younger. But it's still not enough. But im really want to get better. But there is this voice inside my head that is telling me all these negative things. I know I won't be a head Turner anymore. I need to live with that. I think I would of rather been unattractive all my life then be attractive then not. Because you had that joy, and you miss it. I just want to be my normal, fun, always in a good mood, love to be around person that I used to be. I miss him so much. He was such an awesome guy. He has to be still in me somewhere. I want him back.
Please help me guys! Thank you so much!
-Johnny .
 
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katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
Hello and :welcome:

Please don't mourn the person you used to be; instead, put that energy into being the person you are - not just in the way you look, but in the way you feel inside. You'll start to see the world from another point of view, and realise that you're sexy, fantastic, wonderful, amazing, etc., as you are: it's about feeling that you are, because that is your truth. Your truth is the only thing that really matters.

I am so glad you didn't contract HIV - oh my God!

I assume you're not living in the UK, if you're saying that therapy costs too much? Fair enough. It's shit not to be able to get that stuff on an NHS.

I'm not sure what advice to give, because I'm normally a big advocator of speaking to your GP, because they're the best professionals to help you - maybe you could consider this, and s/he could point you in the direction of cost-effective treatments?

Hope you start to feel better soon, and I'm sorry for everything you've been through.
 
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