Really in need of some comfort

[coraline1664]

I'm at the lowest I've been in a while... I can hardly go out and have to wait in for my partner to come to mine. He and his friend knocked on the door, it's was way out of my comfort zone. Everything went into a blur and I couldn't control what I was saying, I couldn't think to reply to anyhting, I felt as if I was going to pass out. I find it really hard to describe the panic now it's even worse than the panic attacks I've had before. They had come so my partner could tell me he was staying out for a while. They were laughing too which was making me very paranoid. I think they were a bit drunk but I just didn't know.. I wish I could explain to my partner how putting me on the spot like that puts me into shock... I'm so angry and sad... and humiliated I didn't have a clue what I was doing. I am going hungry again today as well because I couldn't buy any food.
I just don't know what to do I've felt so separated from ym partner recently, he doesn't really understand me anymore I don't think and I can't give him proper attention or go out places with him. He always talks about the same things and I don't even say much at all.
I'm tortured by my own feelings at the moment.. I don't know what I can do and I just can't explain accuurately how I'm feeling to anyone it is as if something is controlling what comes out of my mouth. I don't know how I can even feel panic like that..

I'm sorry that this is quite jumbled.. I am doing my best to make it make sense

 

[Star-28]

it is very hard to come out to your partner and admit that you have a problem. He must realize it is out of your control and should be willing to help you. If not, then he's the wrong partner. He should comfort you and your needs. Last night I put a note on my door that said Please Be Quiet so my partner would just leave me alone. What meds are you on??

 

[racheal222]

Hi Liz

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling that bad, been there myself many times. I note you live in East England? If you were that desperate for food I could always come and do a huge shop for you? I can get out with the aid of drink so it wouldnt be a problem if you'd like me to do that.

 

[coraline1664]

-

Thanks for your replies.

Star-28- My partner is generally very understanding. I was wrong to lash out at him in that post and probably should have refrained from posting until the panic subsided! I realised afterwards that he didn't really have any choice but to have his friend come to the door with him when he called, he does acknowledge my problems. I think really it is a good thing that he does not take the role of my carer, as ultimately we would both hate that, it would damage the relationship and he has other commitments of course. I have to remind myself that he has his own life and struggles too, and of course neither of us are perfect. I am not on any medication. My partner said citalopram visibly helped me in the past but I don't remember feeling any better on any of the meds I have been on.
I managed to get to my CBT session yesterday which was an achievement. I am a little bit better than I was when I posted that. I had a panic attack today but am now trying to take it in my stride.

Rachael, thanks for your offer it was really kind of you! As I live in Suffolk I think I am quite a distance away from you though My partner brought me back some food for our tea yesterday and a few of other bits. I will try and make it to the shops properly sometime in the next few days.

Liz

 

[Star-28]

thats good to hear. my partner has no idea of my illness.. im scared to tell him it makes me very sad that you are without food.. why is that if you dont mind me asking? Agoraphobia?

 

[coraline1664]

-

Pretty much yes. I have never actually been diagnosed with agoraphobia, I haven't really seen a psychiatric doctor for a long while but it fits completely. I do admit to using the term to describe one of my main problems A lot of the time I just can't get past the front door, I do a lot of pacing and suffer from some horrible anticipatory fear before I even go out for 5 minutes. And then my mind goes blank and I suffer from panic attacks when I finally get outside. I just had a horrible one trying to get to the polling station

I'm sorry that you are scared to tell your partner. I think it is likely it will get to the point where you will probably need to explain as he will be concerned for you. Maybe you could work out how to best to explain it to him. Do you think he will be understanding?

 

[racheal222]

Hi Liz

Glad to hear you feel a little better. My Mother comes from Suffolk and I have alot of family there so if ever you're in need give me a yell. Take care

 

[coraline1664]

-

thank you

 

[maudikie]

maudikie

When did you last see your doctor? I would advise another visit and tell him how you feel. I am sure your partner is worried about you and taking time with his friends to get some comfort himself.
Take care and goto the doc's

 

[coraline1664]

-

I last saw a GP about my mental health about last summer, i think. I was discharged from the mental health team years ago, very soon after I had been discharged from a psychiatric hospital as a teenager. I find it extremely difficult to make phone calls so don't know how I would manage that, and also I am not sure if they can offer anything of use to me anymore. I don't benefit from any of the medications that I have tried. I generally feel my issues are things that can only be worked through psychologically. I am attending CBT sessions provided by the NHS at the moment. I have always found CBT sessions fairly basic and patronising, but I cannot say that I had tried my best to take everything from them that I could, so I am still working with it. I also try to practise mindfulness at home and occasionally feel some respite.

 

[racheal222]

gos am i fed up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fed up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!