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Really confused and don't know what to do

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Poweredbypepsi

New member
Joined
Feb 8, 2015
Messages
2
I have always been really anxious and sensitive to things. About 8 years ago I went to the worst phase where I just went totally downhill and didn't leave the house because of a mixture of anxiety and depression. Since then I have struggled on with things going through cycles of being worse then improving. The last really bad patch was last summer , I took 6 months of being at home from work - luckily my husband and I own the company o work for and so i was able to do this.

The problem is since then I have been so depressed and I feel as if I am actually going crazy. I don't feel at all in control of my emotions and thoughts and I barely feel in control of my actions sometimes . I repeatedly imagine harming myself even though I don't want to. I feel as though I am just not ok but I couldn't actually pin point any one particular symptom that tells me this.

I don't discuss this in real life not even with my husband , we are both in our early 30s and have been together 15 years and so he has been with me through all of this but he simply doesn't know the extent of it. Last summer for example I stayed home because of feeling like this but I simply told him I wanted to spend time with our kids over summer. I lie consistently to cover my difficulties to the outside world.

I went to my gp for the first time a few weeks ago I did admit that I was depressed but I was too afraid to admit the extent of ths feeling of being out of control and I denied that I had thought of harming myself, I didn't want anyone to know that I am not the person I appear to be, people think I am a happy, married mother of 5 with a good job happy life etc and I am too afraid to admit that I feel totally crazy!

I have got worse the last few weeks , I have had an IAPT assesment but had a letter saying I am on a waiting list to see a "psychological wellbeing practitioner".

My gp offered me medication but I was too afraid to take it in case I have side effects which mean I cannot go to work or that people notice.

I have called a private counsellor and I am supposed to be arranging a time to start tomorrow but I just don't know if that is the right course of action (I can afford it but I feel like it might not be enough)

I am just wondering if anyone could help me decide which to do tomorrow call the counsellor or go back to the gp and ask for medication (I don't really feel I can talk to the gp about how bad things are - I don't know why he is really nice I just can't admit it)

If it makes a difference I only saw the gp for the first time 3 weeks ago so I do worry it is to soon to go pestering him again.

I have never posted on here before so I apologize for the length of my first post .
 
Sparklypurplepaws

Sparklypurplepaws

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Joined
Oct 12, 2013
Messages
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Location
Lincolnshire
welcome poweredbypepsi - love your name, I am actually powered by pepsi max daily!
seriously though, i can totally relate to what your saying about the not wanting to disclose that side of you. i was a lecturer for thirteen years, i have three children, i was on the pta, parent helper and looked after the house. admitting to myself that i was too ill to do those things was huge, and letting the outside world know - well some people still dont kniw the truth! so i really sympathesise with you - hug
asforthe medication or counselling, its a very personal choice. if i were in your shoes, id throw everything ive got at stopping this in its tracks - medication, counselling and the wellbeing thingy!
i deffo dont think its too soon to see your gp again - ive been two times in one week before when i was suicidal but scared and wanted help.
i hope you find the answers you are looking for here xxxxx
 
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Poweredbypepsi

New member
Joined
Feb 8, 2015
Messages
2
Thanks for replying. I sat for ages staring and my phone this morning trying to get up the courage to call my doctors ( they have a phone triage system so you have to speak to them on the phone before you get an appointment). I chickened out and just got up and came to work .

I did though on the way call up a counsellor and I made an appointment for Wednesday . I am sitting in work just staring at my computer trying to look ok now. I wish I had just called up this morning.

I just can't stand then thought of telling the doctor how bad things actually are (not entirely sure how I'm going to tell a counsellor either to be honest!)
 
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