Reality Over A Death

[Watercolours]

*Warning Might Trigger*

The reality of losing my mum 12 months ago has hit me like an express train this past week... it’s a year this month. So much was happening after her death that I just carried on and didn’t really allow myself to grieve properly but I thought I could handle everything.

I planned the perfect funeral, I then did some travelling in between attending my weekly group therapy until I eventually walked out because I was suicidal and wouldn’t agree to attend one week and stay safe, it was shortly after I was admitted to hospital for three week.

Then I enrolled at college, helped my dad moved, started college and continued on like everything was fine... applied to uni, studied all the time completing forgetting to really allow myself to grieve for my mum.

The first anniversary and officially the second mother’s day have passed and this week it’s like I’ve fell to complete pieces and realised that mum has gone for good and is never going to return... and I’m an emotional wreck.

I’ve constantly been thinking of suicide for the past 48 hours, although have made no plans like I did last year. I just want to take the pills, lie down and not wake up. It’s like I just do not care... I’ve prove to people I am not stupid, especially my father who is still alive my going to college and achieving since September the grades I have, I’ve got my place in university, but I just don’t want to pursue anything anymore...

I’m grieving for both my mum and my dog who I had put to sleep last year shortly before I was admitted to hospital, so much happened last year, and I just pushed myself to forget things and move on and studying was the one thing I threw myself into.

I am still not over the walking out of group therapy or the attachment I had for my psychologist, that has caused me immense pain since I last saw her in May last year, despite having some therapy and discussing at length why I became so attached to her I still cannot forget her. Its sounds stupid but part of my plan was to move away to a whole new town, that I picked out, a new university... and everything to make a FRESH START for me when college finished... and low and behold last September I discovered the psychologist I had feelings for had taken a new job at the hospital in the town of the university I wanted to go to, which posed a major problem for me doing clinical placements, when I found out it felt like my entire world was blown apart in seconds... and I ended picking my second choice university... which poses issues because it means I don’t escape my dad...

Ending it all feels like a better option...

 

[TOONAFISH]

I cant imagine what you are going through. I still have both my parents but i worry about loosing them constantly and how i would cope. I have heard of many people dealing with at the time and later falling to pieces. I think it is totally normal. Mothers day and the year anniversary are hard times to deal with. I think you have done so well to have done all you have managed to do. Dont be so hard on yourself. How is your relationship with your dad? You say you cant escape him as you are going to your second choice uni.

Im not very good at advice, i just wanted to say im here to listen. Keep going. x

 

[Watercolours]

I've always had a difficult relationship with my Dad, he's part of the reason I left home 10 years ago because we argued a lot... we get on better but I would prefer to move away and have a more distant relationship, which is why I wanted to go to a uni away from where I live and start a fresh. The uni I originally chose was in a town close enough to give me a fresh start in a place that was cheap enough to rent a new place but still meant I was able to come home once a month to see him or a short notice if he needed me and I was close to Manchester City as well... 45 minutes away.

I knew my mum was dying I was somewhat prepared for her death, she spent six months in hospital and she'd been ill my entire life... I was lucky she lived till I was in my 30's but I feel there was some neglect in the six months she was in hospital, and I feel guilty I didn't do more to intervene about the care she got on the ward, especially in the first couple of months.

You know when you just long to turn back the clock, although mum was tired and had enough of her illness, she was always a strong person and was ready to give up, she was suffering in a lot of pain because of a rare complication to her illness and it was awful to see her suffer so much.

There just feels so much unsaid.

 

[TOONAFISH]

Sorry to hear about your mums illness. altho people often think they are prepared for a death if the person is very ill, i dont think you can ever be really prepared. Maybe it would be beneficial to move further from your dad, but once you get into uni work you can always use this as an excuse to only see him fortnightly or less often.

 

[TOONAFISH]

I have just seen from your signature that you will be training as a mental health nurse. wow, something i wanted to do myself but didnt have the balls.

I think, having had the experiences you have had, you would be really good at this. Hope you can still continue on. There are quite a few horrible nurses in the local psych hospital, and it makes a world of difference to have one that understands.

x

 

[Watercolours]

It's part of the reason I've always wanted to go into this career, 10 years of going through the UK MH system has been hell! I have my place to start my MH Diploma in September, currently on my Access to Nursing Course now 3/4 of the way through and doing really well!

 

[TOONAFISH]

aw that sound great. i would love to do it. i have just started workingin a nursing home, just to see if i would like it and i do. i would worry that the stress of access course or nursing would send me into an episode. im worried but my family would be more worried.

you stick in, im sure you will pass no probs. go for it. x

 

[Watercolours]

Thanks, I got through last night.

Some slight self harm nothing major. Hangover, first time to mix alcohol with Quetiapine = a headache all day!