Realising I'm wrong / how to change

S

ShadowChaser

New member
Joined
Jul 28, 2015
Messages
3
#1
Hi everyone. I would love to make it short but I'm afraid I can't.
I've been suffering from inferiority issues for many years and it's destroying my relationships.
Was a happy child even though I grew up in a poor family, my childhood was amazing. Up until I turned 11, when my parents decided to move from the town centre to the country side, only 5km away but still far enough to change everything.
I've become sad and from being a straight A student now I was barely passing with B. I think that kind of disappointed my parents cause often when I got a bad grade they'd ask me how my friends did and if they did better than me I got asked how come.
I was upset about moving here for years but in time I learned to live with it.
As I grew older I've started feeling attraction to other countries so for a while I lived in England, and about 6 months over the last year in Ireland. I came back home in early April, my usually very active and hard working mom who would rarely get sick was diagnosed with cancer, metastasis.
She passed away 30 th of April this year.
It broke me into pieces, she was my best friend. The more time goes by, the harder it gets for me. I cried less on her funeral than over the last few weeks.
I am now home with dad who I resent a lot, cause he made my mom a housewife, didn't allow her to work, trained her into serving him breakfast, lunch and dinner, basically he made himself very dependent on her. In turn instead of being grateful, he kept shouting and cursing whenever something pisses him off. He wasn't physically abusive but we would suffer mental abuse day to day. He gets angry so easily and snaps to whoever is in the way, and it passes him quickly too. But in the meantime, damage is being done.
I miss my mum immensely, she was the only one that made me feel like home.

Now, 2 months ago my boyfriend came here from Ireland and will stay until September when we're leaving to England together. We're getting married end of August.
Problem is, I am ruining everything.
When I'm single I don't suffer from feeling inferior even though I feel some of my friends are much better people than me. But as soon as I get into relationship, and start caring about the person, comparing starts and I feel like I'm not worthy of them, that I should be more like them and I get so upset very easily. I snap at him, I find his comments offensive when all he's trying to do is be funny. He cares for me a lot but I'm killing it. I don't know how to help myself and why am I feeling so lonely. We do talk about this every now and then, he understands me to some extent but I still feel so alone, I'm in my own personal hell.
I've been doing this for years, destroyed every relationship I had by being miserable, insecure and needy while when I'm single I'm a happy go lucky girl.
Now I'm about to get married and I have doubts about that too. How can I make him happy when I'm often so miserable? How can I change my rotten behaviour in order to help this relationship to grow, cause it had potential from the very beginning.

I would seek professional help but I can't afford it right now, at least not until we leave and I start working again.
So if anyone has gone through something similar, please share, I'm open to suggestions.
 
In the Clouds

In the Clouds

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2015
Messages
1,892
Location
England
#2
Hi there :)
First of all, I'm really sorry to hear about your mum. I lost my mum to cancer as well, when I fundraise or donate to cancer charities it kind of gives me a sense that I'm doing it with her and she isn't truly gone. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear. :)
As for your relationship, I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and in the middle I was very anxious and severely depressed and it got to the point where he stopped wanting to speak to me. He tried to break up with me even before I got depressed because he was constantly worried about me as when I was single, I too was happy and carefree mostly. I just wanted to say that you can get through it and we are stronger than we ever was now.
I was very worried he would cheat on me or leave me because I considered every girl to be above me. I'd automatically be worried about his female friends thinking 'what if they like him? They're so much better than me'. No matter how many times he reassured me I just couldn't believe it. He convinced me to go and see a counsellor. I know you can't afford it right now but when you can I definitely recommend it. :) I got the idea off of the internet, and while he was away in Scotland for a weekend with 2 female friends (one of whom used to fancy him), I wrote him a letter explaining everything that went through my head as it did, and gave it to him when he got back. Ever since then he's had a much better understanding of it all. For me it was explaining to him that it's not his fault, but I need his help. That I'm not accusing him, I just simply see my worries play out in my head and they feel so real. That I know he loves me but can't see why. That I see the good in others but not myself.
Every time I feel inferior to other people or like I can't do things because I'm not as good as them, I try and think positive and keep telling myself that I am good enough and I can do it. The more you tell yourself something, the more you believe it is my opinion. I also set myself goals to prove to myself I'm good enough.
Something my counsellor told me was to write a list of the things I like about myself and focus on them, and look at the things I don't like and see if I can do anything about them. It really helped. What my boyfriend still doesn't seem to grasp though, is that it is absolutely exhausting changing the way you think and even when you succeed, there are still worries. But that is normal.
I hope this helps some, and congratulations on getting married soon!
 
T

TalkTherapy

Member
Joined
Jun 8, 2015
Messages
15
#3
Hi ShadowChaser,

I'm very sorry for your loss. It sounds as though you are having a tough time dealing with issues from the past as well as your recent bereavement. Spending time back in your family home with your dad may be bringing those negative feelings about yourself up to the surface and not giving you the space you need to grieve. Perhaps try to have some time to yourself, putting aside your dad's needs for just half an hour, e.g. going for a short walk, taking a bath to clear your mind or calling a friend for some emotional support.

It sounds as though you are in a loving relationship, but low self-esteem and self-criticism are making you unhappy. Counselling or therapy could help you with this and it doesn't have to cost you if you go through a charity. For example, Relate has a free chat facility which you could try.

I hope you feel better soon. :)
 
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Unique1

Unique1

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
8,765
Location
UK
#4
Hi shadow chaser.

Wanted you to know I read your post and to say I'm so sorry to hear about your mum.
Intheclouds has given a great response and some good advice!

Congratulations on the wedding!

I wish you well.
Unique1
 

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