• Share. Be Supported. Recover.

    We are a friendly, safe community supporting each other's mental health. We are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

Real feelings v triggered bpd feelings and risky behavior - possible TW?

B

Burntout moi

Member
Joined
Dec 9, 2016
Messages
8
Hi all

When I have an emotional out of control sort of blow up. I stop taking my insulin, I have a desperate need to walk, I walk alone, in the dark, no phone, usually crying, talking to the " little me" that comes with me when im in a crisis. not wanting to go home. I have fallen asleep under a bridge and again on a bench in a secluded area. I was laying ,dozing on a bench recently (at night after taking some nitols and Gin so i could go to sleep ) and people were walking past me, I desperately wanted someone to stop and ask if I was ok. Nobody did. My question: is this "normal" bpd stuff?

I seem to only feel sad and no other emotion but im so good at faking it ( I think). I cant identify the feeling of being loved by anyone, not even my children. Is this " normal"?

I used to have non epileptic seizures because of trauma, this stopped 2 years ago but im getting the feelings in my body that I used to feel before a seizure, im scared they will start again.

I discovered my 19 year old daughter is pregnant ( she lives with me and my partner). My partner said he will throw us out after the baby's born as its not what hes signed up for ( we have been together for 7 years) He said he cant marry me now because of my daughter and he said hes not putting me in his will as I will give money to my daughter. He creates an awful atmosphere. My daughter is moving away when the baby's born ( to be with her boyfriend) and she said hes partly to blame for her need to leave. Now I feel like ive emotionally shut down from him and I prefer my own company to being with him. Now hes just started to make an effort to be nice etc. but I don't care. My question is: How can I tell if how I feel ( or don't feel) is just another bpd thing and I should stay with him and work through the poo that's happened or just tell him to err go away and I will give up my job and move away too?
 
O

Orangeade

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 23, 2021
Messages
1,739
Location
England
Hi all

When I have an emotional out of control sort of blow up. I stop taking my insulin, I have a desperate need to walk, I walk alone, in the dark, no phone, usually crying, talking to the " little me" that comes with me when im in a crisis. not wanting to go home. I have fallen asleep under a bridge and again on a bench in a secluded area. I was laying ,dozing on a bench recently (at night after taking some nitols and Gin so i could go to sleep ) and people were walking past me, I desperately wanted someone to stop and ask if I was ok. Nobody did. My question: is this "normal" bpd stuff?

I seem to only feel sad and no other emotion but im so good at faking it ( I think). I cant identify the feeling of being loved by anyone, not even my children. Is this " normal"?

I used to have non epileptic seizures because of trauma, this stopped 2 years ago but im getting the feelings in my body that I used to feel before a seizure, im scared they will start again.

I discovered my 19 year old daughter is pregnant ( she lives with me and my partner). My partner said he will throw us out after the baby's born as its not what hes signed up for ( we have been together for 7 years) He said he cant marry me now because of my daughter and he said hes not putting me in his will as I will give money to my daughter. He creates an awful atmosphere. My daughter is moving away when the baby's born ( to be with her boyfriend) and she said hes partly to blame for her need to leave. Now I feel like ive emotionally shut down from him and I prefer my own company to being with him. Now hes just started to make an effort to be nice etc. but I don't care. My question is: How can I tell if how I feel ( or don't feel) is just another bpd thing and I should stay with him and work through the poo that's happened or just tell him to err go away and I will give up my job and move away too?
I have bpd too! It sounds like he is not good for you! Someone who helps me a lot who has bpd and is a great support is @stevie_sloth. Im hoping they can offer some support x
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2015
Messages
3,156
Location
Australia
Hmmm. Sorry to take so long to reply. I've had a rather stressful day.

Well, firstly, your partner seems to be somewhat unpleasant currently. Has he been good up until now, throughout your 7 years together? I myself never wanted children so I can understand "not signing up" for that, but I mean, after 7 years together, there's no mutual discussion? No trying to work something out or some kind of compromise? If your daughter moves away to be with her boyfriend, well, that's ok if it's what she wants, but it shouldn't be BECAUSE of your partner. But then, if she's moving away anyway, why can't you and him still just live where you are?

I take it he owns the place you live? (if he has the power to throw you out?) Is he controlling at all usually?

Were your Epileptic seizures brought on by physical or emotional trauma?

Shutting down and feeling numb or unsure of how we actually feel is often a result of trauma. Has there been any trauma caused by your relationship over these 7 years?

I can't say how you REALLY feel about him, but it seems as if your feelings (no matter the cause or if they're numbed or dulled), are telling you he is not making you happy or comfortable anymore. I feel like he makes things (and you) feel tense and flat...unhappy. That's not a good way to live.

If he was suddenly happy again, wanted to marry you, was happy and good about your daughter's baby, and all of that stuff, do you think you'd feel better? Happier? Would you not be shut off from him anymore? Or is it too late and you're too numb, no matter what he did?

Sometimes it's so hard to see past our current reality and perception because we feel so unhappy and stuck. And after a while of that, we feel numb, as a kind of defence mechanism.

The only way I can try and work out how I might really be feeling is to imagine how I might feel in various other scenarios. I have to imagine them really quickly, before they disappear, and try to feel rather than think to get a more accurate gauge of my feelings.

How would you feel if you and your daughter both moved to be with her boyfriend? How would you feel if she moved out of where you currently live with your partner, but not far away and was still close? How would you feel if your partner was looking forward to the baby? How would you feel if your daughter wasn't pregnant and things went back to how they were before?

In terms of your previous times of sleeping on benches and under the bridge, this CAN happen with BPD. It's generally when you're REALLY what they call "emotionally dysregulated". You say you stop taking your insulin...is this because you don't see the point in looking after yourself? Or because you just simply cannot deal with it? You say you have to walk and keep walking...this can often be because you just can't think or feel anymore, so you go onto autopilot and walk, walk, walk, maybe trying to get away from all the horrible things.

This is one of a wide range of coping mechanisms BPD people use to deal with the unbearable mental states we can get in.

Are you aware of yourself while you're like this? (like, have you ever been walking and then suddenly "woke up" or "came to" somewhere and you didn't remember how you got there?)

You also mention you're not sure if you're loved by anyone or how that might feel. Can you remember feeling loved by your parents? Did you ever feel loved by your partner when you first got together?

Sorry to ask so many questions! I'm hoping they might help you find some answers...maybe?
 
B

Burntout moi

Member
Joined
Dec 9, 2016
Messages
8
@stevie_sloth wow- how amazing are you?! youve given me things to think about which is really handy. I need to spend time processing all of this I think. Thankyou so much, what a star!
 
Top