Ready to Kill Myself

J

Jonsey11

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Nov 2, 2018
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I guess i'll go ahead and briefly try to explain how I've been feeling for the past 23 years of my life.

Ever since I was a kid I've been bullied and have felt insecure about myself. To make matters worse, I had a teacher in elementary school who bullied me and consistently embarrassed me in front of the entire class. Though nowadays that doesn't seem like the worst issue in the world, for a kid its fairly devastating at the time.

Throughout all of elementary school and high school I never put in much effort, never tried hard in class and in doing so, consistently failed. With the bullying from when I was a kid, to the poor grades and little effort put into my work, as you can imagine I failed consistently throughout life, never succeeded in anything, never went to after-school events, never tried anything new. All I did was go to school and go home.

During the high school period of my life, I tried committing suicide 3 times, never had the stomach to go through with it fully, was consistently depressed and on better days, very sad.

Fast forward to today, I've been to college for a few programs here in Canada, hated each and every one of them but forced myself to graduate from programs that I will never use or go into in my life.
I feel like the kind of person who doesn't mind working hard, but only for things that I love doing or have some kind of passion for (I do understand the fact that jobs aren't always perfect and will have bad aspects to them).

Herein lies the issue I am having today: I can't stand the idea of getting up every day, going to a job I hate, being miserable at work, which you spend 1/3 or more of your life doing, only to go home, thank God it's the weekend, just to repeat the same monotonous shit all over again. I have watched both of my parents do this their entire lives. They look miserable, feel miserable, and vocalise how much they hate work on a weekly basis.
I can't imagine my life ever being this, nor do I want it to be like this. Like I mentioned before, I don't mind putting in a lot of work for the things I enjoy/have passion for doing, but I haven't found ANYTHING I enjoy.

I have spoken with multiple counsellors before regarding all of these issues plus some, and honestly I don't know how I am supposed to get better. I see absolutely no future where I don't end up killing myself at some point in time or another. I can't imagine life without meaningful work, I refuse to work jobs that I hate doing simply for the fact that I need to get by and pay the bills. Why bother paying bills or living at all if you are already miserable? To me, if i'm stuck at a dead end job so I can afford to be comfortable, I might as well kill myself. What is life without something to be passionate about? What is it to live without any kind of meaning or giving back to people/helping people? What is life if all you do is get up, go to a shitty workplace, and go home, to repeat the same steps over and over again? That doesn't seem like living to me, nor is it a life I want to live. When I explain all of this to the counsellors I have met with, we both end up staring at each other awkwardly as I am sure they are thinking, "How am I supposed to help a kid who is depressed because of a lack of meaningful work?" It seems like no one can really help m except for myself and I have tried, failed and am very ready to give up.

Lately I've been spending a lot of the money that I have saved up over the years, going on vacations I can't afford, buying miscellaneous things that look like. I figure if i'm going to end my life, I might as well spend what I have first and live gloriously for a few weeks.

Anyways, I thought I would post my thoughts here, to see if someone has some kind of miracle explanation. Because in all honesty, I se no logical reason to live anymore, and no anti-depressant will help with a logical reason to commit suicide...
 
M

Mr Ploppy

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Nov 1, 2018
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Don’t do it Jonsey.

I’ve been through it. Trust me I’ve been through it.

I can’t give you meaningful advice, I can’t say the magic word. I’m not going to counter your problems with mine.

It’s just not the answer is it.
 
F

Fancyharm

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Sep 7, 2018
Messages
326
Location
West Midlands
Hi Jonsey

Please re think your plan.

I am a recovered agoraphobic, I have done so so much since my recovery. I have recently had some anxiety return, not on the scale of how it was, but I want you to know, even thought this anxiety has returned I am recovering and I feel that I can turn this situation around and make myself even better thatn before.


I know I am not you, and we are different, but I want you to know that the impossible can be turned around, I am living proof.


I really hope you are feeling better, but please, please keep on posting on the forum as there are so many kind hearted people here that will help you.


Lots of love and hugs to you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Hi,
Please don't end your life, you will find some jobs that interest you I'm sure.
Not everyone is unhappy in work, you sound very low that will impact on your thinking etc.
Please see a dr asap, you need meds to help you thru this.
Glad your having therapy.
Really suicide isn't the answer.
Take care
 
calypso

calypso

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Hiya

That feeling is depression talking. When we are depressed we just focus on the negative and can't even remember any positives in our life. [email protected] afraid your therapist sounds none too good if they just stare at you.

Can you go to a careers advisor and ask there for help? I bet you have transferable skills which can sort you out with a new job which is better suited to you. Do you have any family or friends who can help you with your feelings?

Life can feel like this at times and i fully understand. I have had severe depressions in the past and couldn't see any reason why suicide wasn't logical. Just because you see it as logic doesn't mean it is.

Go to a doctor and get help please. I know you don't see the reason to but you posted here for a reason and so you must be doubting it a little.
 
mischief

mischief

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Hi Jonsey11.

:welcome: to the forum!

It's great that you've found us.

These are thoughts that you're having. We have millions of thought which pass through our minds each day.

A question for you, why are you giving these thoughts so much prominence?

I ask as these thoughts will pass onwards like other thoughts. Over time these thoughts will be replaced by others which probably will lead you in another direction in life.

I'd be interested in hearing more about you, the study you've done and why you hated it, the things you like and dislike the most.

I'd also be interested in hearing about ideas you may have explored in the past to do other things. There are lots of other ways we can live apart from working in traditional jobs.

I think between us all here we could listen to what's been happening in your life and give you some information to help you find another path.

Please do remember that thoughts do pass. They alway do!
 
T

Tabby 88

Guest
Hello how are you feeling now? I feel like this also and have done for a long time, too long. Too long to take any action now but some days are nice. Most days are hard but some are nice.

Please write how you are feeling if you can because it will help.

You can always use an emoticon if you do not have the words. I didn't have the words before.

Why do you want to die?

I saw a dead body recently and it was strange to see that it was only the body left, that the life had gone. The person didn't want to die and i wish i could have gone in their place but i suppose it is not my time yet. I am looking forward to an end to this pain but i think i am strong enough to wait and cope with whatever (else) life puts me through.
 
T

Tabby 88

Guest
Eventually you will fall asleep and then it all starts again. But we always fall asleep again eventually and it is important to be able to. It is a break from the pain.
 
T

Tabby 88

Guest
You are not alone. You are also not the only one feeling this way, i can assure. It is hard to see other people happy and coping but they are lucky, we are not as lucky but we can still have nice times.

You don't have to enjoy anything, just be, live, go about your day as you have to and some day something might change. Routine, exercise and healthy eating.
 

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