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Reactive Depression

M

MidnightMusician

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I have reactive depression.

A reaction to being jobless, penniless, dateless, friendless and constantly bored. How do you change it when there doesn't seem tp be any help anywhere?

I apply for jobs but never get them. I put it down to a lack of faith but also the fact that because I'm depressed, I don't shine well enough at the interviews or come across positively enoiugh. I've been to see therapists and you go there once a week and talk but then straight back to feeling like crap again.

Because I'm a man with little confidence, and don't know why, have no approachability with women, and it's not shyness, although it might be, but personally don't think it is. It's lack of confidence and/or success that puts doubt in your head so it's a fear of saying the wrong thing or it going badly or not in my favour. Because I'm a man though, I never get approached or talked to by women so that gets you down. Hate this one in particular. Hate the fact that it's up to the man to do it all the time, even if it necassarily isn't the way he's made. Everybody's different, but society remains the same. Hate people saying, oh you HAVE to do it, grow some balls so to speak. That doesn't make the way I feel go away. It would be nice if just once (EVER!) that a woman would come and say, "Hi!" to me, show some sort of interest in the fact I exist, but sadly, no, never happens does it. So one sides isn't it.

Have no friends due to moving away from the area where I grew up and have lost touch and feel now, that I have pretty much nothing in common with any of them. Feel like I have nothing in common with 75% of people be honest.

And yeah, extreme boredom on top of it. Days just morphing into one. Feels just like it's endless and pointless be honest, and I feel very very very very frustrated by this existance. Hence the fact I've come on here to post a thread about it. How do I change it? is it changable?
 
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MarlieeB

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Yes it can change but you need to put the effort into it to make that change and deep down really want it but when you are feeling depressed it's hard.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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With regards to women I know its cheesey but have you tried using the net? At least you can establish some common interest before meeting and have an idea whether yo think you'd get on? It takes a lot of the pressure away, or that's what I used to find when meeting new people and if I was to find a new bf I'd use the internet now as I rarely go out the house other than to buy food, walk dog or work.
 
pepecat

pepecat

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Are there any MH groups in your area you could go to? Or do some volunteering, or join a walking group, or something?

Sometimes we need to make the effort to go out and meet people. They're not going to come to us all the time. When i moved to a new city, I went a did pottery classes as a way of meeting some people. I'm not in touhc with any of them, but at the time it was a good way to meet some new people in an unthreatening environment while we were all doing an activity.
 
Parissa

Parissa

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I met my current fella on a dating site. I approached him. It's easier on the internet.

I can sympathise with how you feel. The loneliness, moving away from friends, employment problems and not coming across as positive. The thing is, i'm at the other end of this. I have gone through it and am at the other side now. I am more positive, more confident, met people through classes, they are not threatening as the previous poster said. Being around people and actually doing an activity so that there is no pressure on you to talk, but you do end up talking and it feels nice. I did a photography course and a floristry course. There are lots on offer.

I understand the boredom too, although again i've been through it and am now into the things i used to do like listening to music, making cards, all those things you enjoyed doing when you felt better, you will feel better again and be interested again. You are just going through a bad patch. You will come out of it. It takes time though, lots of talking, lots of thinking, lots of soul searching as they call it.

I spent my time walking in the gardens near me, going to the tea shop in town and reading my book in their with my tea, i went to courses, i sat in the library and read. Became interested in different books, philosophy, the classics. I wanted to read all the books in the library and i then went online to order books from other libraries. I rested, i lay in bed, i watched TV, i cleaned my flat, i sat and watched people walk through the gardens, and i wrote and wrote about how i felt in my journal. I have since burnt them all in a sort of cleansing ritual or burning them all away as i had been through that and wanted to let go of that time of my life, that past.

Keep writing on here because it will help. Keep talking to your counsellor because it will help. I've been through a few counsellors at each stage of my life, at each realisation i've been through, each period of upset when different things have surfaced and needed talking through and accepting.

You will get there.

Love Parissa
 
B

Broddo_Faggins

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your situation sounds similar to mine get the impression your a bit younger?. know what you mean though with interviews, trying to come across enthusiastic, wanting the job but at the same time just wanting to get back under your rock. With regards to women unfortunately being male means basically doing most of the work. approaching isn't fun but sadly if your not prepared to women don't care, there's loads of guys that will approach them. It's harsh but no ones gonna reach out and help you, the world isn't like that, the world doesn't care if you have mh problems. Things can change though. have to strive. you do some stuff, voluntary work is a good idea, you feel better about yourself, get more confident, leads to something else, different people etc. etc.
 
M

Me24U

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Dec 5, 2014
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I was like you, lonely, depressed, bored and living away from all my family and friends. I knew I had to do something as no one else was going to help me. I had no social networks here at all and I simply do not trust men after what I have been through.

I met my partner on a dating site. All I wanted was someone to socialize with. I was very careful with the photo I put up and the information I gave although I was honest. I made it very clear that I was not looking for romance as I didn't want another man in my life as such. It was very intimidating in some way but also exciting at the same time. I felt safe as I decided who I would meet and who I wouldn't. I had one interesting experience (that is what I would call it) and was very quick to let them know that I wasn't in the least bit interested.

I know of several people who have met their life partners on-line so it is certainly an avenue worth pursuing. I would still be sitting in my house on my own if I hadn't as there is no way I would go out on my own.

Don't be afraid to be honest about what you want and who you are. If they are worth knowing they won't run a mile, they will listen and support you. I recall a couple of times early in our dating where I almost told him to F... Off when he put his hand on me. The reality was he was just being a gentleman guiding me through a door and the like but I was in no place to handle that. He eventually worked out that I cringed at any physical contact but we worked our way through it.

Over time I have got myself involved in the community but it has taken me to get out there. I still won't go out for a drink on my own or to many other events. I need my crutch to go with me (he would hate me saying that lol).

You do need to make some effort yourself. It is no good going "Woe is me". Perhaps you may benefit from some counseling or therapy. I know my therapist was instrumental in me getting back on my feet.

I wish you all the best.
 
M

MidnightMusician

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Yeah know what you're saying Me24U. I do tend to get into a mood of 'poor me' on occasion. It's hard not to though when things aren't going good. Doesn't seem like there is an end in sight be honest. Nothing to look forward to. Been in this circle of despair for about 7 yrs now. Trying to remain positive is hard. S'pose as far as women are concerned, I will just have to bite the bullet. I get on great with women once the ice is broke, just find I'm so depressed sometimes that I lack the approachability factor and women being women, you're stuffed if you don't break the ice or make the first move when you're the man. I find it hard to even say, "Hi!" sometimes, and sometimes that is all my mind will sort of come up with, "Hi!" or "Hi! how you doing", then nothing lol! think it's just not having a busy fun life and not having a great social life stops the flow of socialness from being in your personality. When you're feeling very depressed at any given moment though, being male, it would be nice if a woman came up and asked how you were, but sadly, nope, never happens. Sorry, me being poor me again lol!
 
M

MidnightMusician

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Joined
Jul 17, 2014
Messages
134
With regards to women I know its cheesey but have you tried using the net? At least you can establish some common interest before meeting and have an idea whether yo think you'd get on? It takes a lot of the pressure away, or that's what I used to find when meeting new people and if I was to find a new bf I'd use the internet now as I rarely go out the house other than to buy food, walk dog or work.
Yes I have tried the net. Can't afford to join a dating site, so used Plenty Of Fish but just get no replies (EVER!) so gave up on that one too. Also, I'm not bad looking, just no Brad Pitt and think that on dating sites, most men who aren't a Chippendale get ignored.

You just end up putting your heart and soul into a message to receive nothing. You don't even get to know what you said or did wrong. If anything really I suppose. Most women get tons of messages a week don't they, especially the more attractive they are. I'd say most attractive women on a dating sites get at least 30 messages a week. Must make you feel good, just knowing you have that choice, but being male, sadly you click on your inbox and again (for the umpteenth time) nothing.

I have a good personality but you need to get to know me first, and sadly cause I'm depressed (and due to this find I don't take rejection very well either, crushes my confidence and more so being depressed I think) I just don't approach women, and unless they give me something back, which half the time, in real life I'm on about now, and (as a man) find most of the time you don't. Trying to get some kind of spark going with a girl when you're depressed is like an uphill battle. It's like you have to constantly be the one driving the conversation, constantly be the one trying to be funny, constantly be the one who tries to make her feel something and half the time they just go seeya later lol! And when you're depressed, it is very very hard to always be the one tryna lead the conversation all the time.
 
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B

Broddo_Faggins

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Not fair is it. Hate online dating, is crushing being repeatedly cast aside cos you don't tick all their f*****g boxes! is my only real option too though sadly. Is a shame because in reality chemistry would overide a lot of the 'on-paper' issues they might have with you. my advice would be with online dating don't mention/be evasive, even lie (you can always explain yourself later) regarding being broke, friendless, depressed until you've chatted enough for them to see that you're worth knowing.
 
C

Christobel

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This may sound trite, but have you any pets, such as a dog? They are excellent ice-breakers between people. Yesterday I was sat in a coffee shop, looking outside at a man sat having a coffee and he had a Labrador puppy. I could see women going by and literally stopping in their tracks to pet him. (The puppy!)The thing is, the owner doesn't have to even say Hi, just look smug. It also gives you something to love, and has the added bonus of getting you out in the fresh air, which is good therapy for depression.
 
katya

katya

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God, it must be so hard being a guy in terms of dating; you have to initiate conversation with women you don't know... With my issues, I find it sometimes difficult to initiate conversation with people I do know. There's too much pressure on guys in the dating world; it's so unbalanced. (Apparently, in Japan, it's the other way around; the women have to do all the work. Interesting.)

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling like this. I would reiterate the advice that's already been given, i.e., do some volunteering (because that'll give you a routine to stop that monotonous boredom, you'll meet new people and it'll help you get a job), get a dog in the meantime and try online dating. Please remember that you're not the only guy to feel like this and I'm sure you have a tonne of attractive qualities.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Good on you for trying it.
I wouldn't have the nerve. Too scared of rejection, knowing that i'm not what's considered conventionally attractive.
I'm not getting into "men do this, women do that" because all kinds of people are capable of being shallow and rude.

I think the suggestion of a pet if you don't have one is a lovely idea. They offer such unconditional love and companionship.

As hard as it sounds, as a fellow singleton/lonely heart, I do think it's important to seek happiness in ways that don't involve being in a relationship.
Try to get out there and find things that you want to do, that you'll enjoy and do them for no other reason that to make yourself happy.
I do think when you put too much importance on finding a relationship, it can lead to bigger problems.
Not trying to put you off, but I know that in the past i've had a warped idea of a relationship making my life better and it left me heart-broken and treated badly.
 
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