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Reaching out

M

Minivan

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Nov 17, 2014
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I'm not sure how to even begin this, I guess I am just reaching out for advice since I really have no one to talk too. My life has felt like a pointless downward spiral for years now. I'm 21 now, my anxiety problems really got worse mid high school. I live in a state of deep thought. Too deep for my own good and too deep to live a normal life and feel like a part of society. I'm not 100 percent sure but my last acid trip that I went on in high school, I think scared me into a real nervous wreck. It's been getting progressively worse.

My nervous problems started from an abusive childhood. I was always scared to go home to my abusive environment. I remember in kindergarten peeing in my pants in class from fear of going home after school. This kind of fear went on for years. So anyway, where I'm at now...I'm diagnosed with major depression, anxiety, social phobia. I'm not even sure if I'm depressed anymore, I don't even know what I am. Because of my SA the only people I really communicate with are my gf and my dad. My gf knows all about how I feel and really dosent know what to tell me, and nobody on here probably will either. I don't have patience for anything anymore.

I feel so lost and detached from this world. I feel like a loser a freak a weirdo. I can't go out and enjoy myself like I used too, and be carefree. I'm always stuck thinking to deep and getting too emotional about everything. I feel as if people are just so fake and so mean, it hurts my feelings to go out and about. I have such trouble getting out of bed, and I'm facing a possible probation violation that can lead to 8 months in jail for missing 2 probation appointments because I could not get myself out of bed. I really just couldn't. Even going to the bathroom is so hard. Every single thing I do is such a huge task, the whole time I'm doing it I can't help but think of how much I am hating every second of it.

So it's easier to stay in bed all day, every day then deal with my over emotional self and feelings of worry and panic. I never used to care what people thought of me, but now I can't help but obsess over it. It's not my choice, thoughts come into my head that tell me whatever I'm doing is slow, I'm doing it wrong, and I look ugly and stupid. Everyday is so hard to get through. I feel like I'm in an emotional prison and nobody can help. I barely leave my house, and I feel like I'm wasting away all day when I stay in. But if I try to go do something it's a terrible experience and I can't get out my head.

My thoughts haunt every aspect of my life. I'm trying to explain as best I can. I just feel I'm not emotionally put together to live as a human being. I'm so sensitive to all the horrible things happening right now, with people killing other people, people making fun of others, the wars going on. Life is so magical and precious, and I don't understand how not everybody sees that. I feel like I'm wasting mine.

All I want is to be happy and for things to get better, but I have been waiting for years, seeing different doctors, trying different meds, nothing helps me. I don't know if it's depression anymore or what's wrong with me or if I'm supposed to feel this way and of everyone feels this way. I wake up in the morning and think, another day what now, how can I get through it? If I have to go to jail I'm planning to get drunk and hurt myself. I'm already in a prison in my head, I would not survive sitting there all day for over half a year stuck even deeper in my dark head dealing with emotions I don't want to feel and don't understand.

I dont understand how people can lock other people on cages for years and years like that. I do understand some people can't be in society but I can't deal with that. I'm trying so hard to get by day by day, I just want my old life back, whatever that was. I'm so confused and lost and emotional, I just wish I could cry but my body is not able to cry and haven't let me cry and let it out for months. I have no idea anymore.
 
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MarlieeB

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Hey and :welcome: to the forum.

Sorry it's taken a while to get an answer :hug1:

I'm not sure how to even begin this, I guess I am just reaching out for advice since I really have no one to talk too.
Always a good start :)

My life has felt like a pointless downward spiral for years now. I'm 21 now, my anxiety problems really got worse mid high school. I live in a state of deep thought. Too deep for my own good and too deep to live a normal life and feel like a part of society. I'm not 100 percent sure but my last acid trip that I went on in high school, I think scared me into a real nervous wreck. It's been getting progressively worse.
I don't think I need to tell you that having these trips really doesn't help, it can set off paranoia etc but I'm not a doctor so, moving on.

Expect from the people you have spoken about this to have you ever had any professonal help? (Sorry if you have covered this below)

My nervous problems started from an abusive childhood. I was always scared to go home to my abusive environment. I remember in kindergarten peeing in my pants in class from fear of going home after school. This kind of fear went on for years.
I'm sorry that it got that bad for you that you showed it like that, not that there is anything wrong with that, it's only natural. Did anyone pick up on that fear or was it just ignored?

So anyway, where I'm at now...I'm diagnosed with major depression, anxiety, social phobia. I'm not even sure if I'm depressed anymore, I don't even know what I am. Because of my SA the only people I really communicate with are my gf and my dad. My gf knows all about how I feel and really dosent know what to tell me, and nobody on here probably will either.
We on the forum can try to help you figure this out but we of course can't offer solutions. There are many wise people here, with different points of view but the one thing that brings us all together is trying our best to help others :hug1:

I'm happy that you have your Dad and GF to talk to, they must really love you and vice versa :)


I don't have patience for anything anymore. I feel so lost and detached from this world. I feel like a loser a freak a weirdo. I can't go out and enjoy myself like I used too, and be carefree. I'm always stuck thinking to deep and getting too emotional about everything. I feel as if people are just so fake and so mean, it hurts my feelings to go out and about. I have such trouble getting out of bed, and I'm facing a possible probation violation that can lead to 8 months in jail for missing 2 probation appointments because I could not get myself out of bed. I really just couldn't. Even going to the bathroom is so hard. Every single thing I do is such a huge task, the whole time I'm doing it I can't help but think of how much I am hating every second of it. So it's easier to stay in bed all day, everyday then deal with my over emotional self and feelings of worry and panic.
I agree that sometimes the best way to deal with it for you is to basically hide whether it's in bed or something else. Can you try and see whether you can get some sort of Doctors note to maybe help your case when it comes to your Probation violations? Maybe get them to write down all your dx and how it affects you?

I never used to care what people thought of me, but now I can't help but obsess over it. It's not my choice, thoughts come into my head that tell me whatever I'm doing is slow, I'm doing it wrong, and I look ugly and stupid. Everyday is so hard to get through. I feel like I'm in an emotional prison and nobody can help. I barely leave my house, and I feel like I'm wasting away all day when I stay in. But if I try to go do something it's a terrible experience and I can't get out my head. My thoughts haunt every aspect of my life. I'm trying to explain as best I can. I just feel I'm not emotionally put together to live as a human being.
When you are depressed then those feelings are natural, especially with your past. It's hard to get out of the cycle of feeling so worthless isn't it? but it is possible. Now, there have been and I'm sure there will still be times when people need to say this to me so. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, it may be a tiny dot that you can't see but it really is there :hug1:

I'm so sensitive to all the horrible things happening right now, with people killing other people, people making fun of others, the wars going on. Life is so magical and precious, and I don't understand how not everybody sees that. I feel like I'm wasting mine. All I want is to be happy and for things to get better, but I have been waiting for years, seeing different doctors, trying different meds, nothing helps me. I don't know if it's depression anymore or what's wrong with me or if I'm supposed to feel this way and of everyone feels this way.
It is a shame that these kind of things happen in the world. You do think whether some people were put in the earth just to balance out the evil but the thing is, we never know the background of these people. Of course I'm not sticking up for people who hurt or murder others, that is truly wrong but they may of been abused, witnessed some horrible stuff, forced to do these things against their will, the list goes on.

Can you go back and see whether you can get some sort of review of your dx? I think personally that some Doctors think "Oh well that's sorted" but things can change.

I wake up in the morning and think, another day what now, how can I get through it? If I have to go to jail I'm planning to get drunk and really harm myself (Changed the quote before edited). I'm already in a prison in my head, I would not survive sitting there all day for over half a year stuck even deeper in my dark head dealing with emotions I don't want to feel and don't understand. I dont understand how people can lock other people on cages for years and years like that. I do understand some people can't be in society but I can't deal with that. I'm trying so hard to get by day by day, I just want my old life back, whatever that was. I'm so confused and lost and emotional, I just wish I could cry but my body is not able to cry and haven't let me cry and let it out for months. I have no idea anymore.
I hope that things can get better for you and that you can find a way to, if it happens, cope with prison. Have you thought of having any kind of counselling?

I hope you can keep yourself safe, please have a look round the forum and keep posting.

You are not alone.

Take care

Marliee x

EDIT: It's horrible when we can't cry isn't it. I don't know about you but it is the best release for me.
 
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SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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I can relate to the deep-thinking and sensitivity that you express, and unfortunately I think it does contribute to depression.

I am just wondering if you've ever had counselling or talking therapy?
Sometimes it's all very well trying medication, but taking a pill won't help you identify your unhelpful thinking patterns and also it may be helpful for you just to talk through things that have happened. Just a thought.

Welcome to the forum, by the way.
 
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