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Reaching out to someone in need

Y

Yeahoystaz

New member
Joined
Jun 4, 2021
Messages
1
Location
London
Hello everyone,

I just signed up to hopefully get help on a situation I'm not sure how to handle.

Basically, my partner has been having a very tough time for a while. She's constantly stressed, puts pressure on herself for everything, has been very negative for a long time, constantly talks about problems without really trying to find solutions, and cannot seem to get out of her negative loop. she also said on many occasions "I can't deal with anything these days"
She's also very negative about her physical appearance, saying at every occasion that she's fat and ugly (when she's absolutely not).
She now even turns nice positive things into issues and extra pressure. For example, I recently tried to be positive, and told her that just seeing her made me feel good, and she snapped telling me that this is too much pressure on her.
Her work is also quite stressful. And with good reason as it's very badly managed. But she puts an insane amount of extra pressure on herself about that, ends almost every day exhausted, and regularly spends the whole week end locked in her room doing nothing and seeing no one to rest. She cancelled many plans for the week end we had, because she was too tired after the week at work.

She recently told me that she now wants to break up, even though she was lovely and cuddly just 2 weeks ago. I'm pretty sure this is because she feels guilty about our relationship. She said she feels she's not taking care of the relationship enough, that's she should be more available for me, that it's not healthy to be with her, and that "I deserve better"

I've been concerned about her mental health for a bit, and wanted to slowly make her realize she probably needs professional help. I am not an expert, but looking at resources online, she exhibits quite a lot of symptoms for depression. I don't know if she's there yet, but I think she's getting dangerously close.
I wondered if I should warn our friends and her family, but didn't want to put extra pressure on her, and wanted to do this with subtlety, and support her through bad times.
With the break up now being a thing, I find myself out of time, and I really want to try and reach her before she completely isolates herself, and deteriorates even more.

What gives me hope, is that she is aware she's doing very bad, and mentioned needing to see a therapist on a few occasions. Except that her mindset has always been "not now"
Also, despite the fact that she tries to hide how she really feels from our friends and her family, she seems to have always told me how bad she is.
I recently asked her how she was doing, and her answer was "I wanted to bake cakes, but changed my mind because I'm fat and I feel bad" (she's an amazing baker, and usually loves baking).
I obviously got concerned, and asked her if she wanted to talk about it. Her reply was "I don't want to talk, I don't want to see anyone, I just want to stay in bed, do nothing and think about nothing"
I insisted a bit to try and get her out of her flat, and to talk, and she was surprisingly easy to convince after what she just told me. During our talk she said a few times "I really don't want to be here", and the talk was quite tense and negative overall (as we got a bit of an argument recently on top of things). But she still got out of her room, and came to talk to me without me having to insist that much.
So I am now wondering whether this could be a cry for help or not ? I can't help but think that if she really wanted to hide this from me, she wouldn't have told me these things, and would have just declined my invitation to talk.

I am not 100% sure how to approach our next conversation. We're supposed to have a "break up talk" soon, and I want to take this opportunity to try and make her realize she needs helps, that all of her loved ones are here to support her, that she's making an already bad situation worse for herself, and has been for months now.

Any advice would be appreciated. I am also really considering warning everyone about this, but I don't want to do this behind her back, and would rather convince her to tell people herself. But if she doesn't want to, I won't just sit there doing nothing.

Thanks in advance for any insight or reply ! I can of course give extra details if things aren't clear
 
M

Mistral

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 28, 2011
Messages
672
It looks like you are living with someone with depression and that is nearly always a difficult thing to do. It requires you to be in a good place yourself in order to cope with it. People living with someone who has severe depression effectively is a carer and this can disrupt a relationship.
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
1,330
Location
Punta Gorda, Florida, USA
It looks like you are living with someone with depression and that is nearly always a difficult thing to do. It requires you to be in a good place yourself in order to cope with it. People living with someone who has severe depression effectively is a carer and this can disrupt a relationship.
"People living with someone who has severe depression effectively is a carer and this can disrupt a relationship."

This is what happened to me. My ex-wife (wife at the time) divorced me after 26 years of marriage because she could no longer act as my carer.
 
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