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Rapidly developing depression symptoms



Feb 18, 2021
Hi, everyone. Honestly, I'm not certain if I have developed a clinical depression or if I'm just having a normal reaction to real hardship, but I'm not in a good place right now. I feel a sense of pain and discomfort 24 hours of the day, I stopped enjoying games and music, and I have a hard time mustering up the motivation to get out of bed. I have OCD and it's led to me becoming very neurotic and introverted, things I've been working on but don't change overnight. I ordinarily won't speak to anyone unless they talk to me first, I have to force myself to. I moved out of the city I did grades 5-12 in a few years ago and have lost contact with all my friends. My mother and my grandmother are very mentally ill and difficult to have normal relationships with, as a result I only really have my father to talk to. However, my father is very protective of me and I know that if I shared the extent of my current pain with him it would hurt him deeply, so I'm not willing to. This is why I'm here, I don't expect anyone to fix my problems but talking about them helps me come to terms with them.

I don't need to be an extroverted party boy, nor do I want to. Honestly, I would be satisfied just to find a good woman, but a year of effort has not ever gotten me close to finding one. I continue to take steps to give myself a better chance, but all the failure is weighing on me and it's gotten to the point where just seeing attractive women can muster up feelings of negativity and cause me pain. I'm 6'4" 225 pounds, I've turned a flabby gut into an athletic physique, I'm very bright, chivalrous, and my OCD prevents me from lying. Older people always say I'm handsome, but all the women I'm attracted to have shown they completely disagree and I'm starting to believe them. I honestly can't fully explain why they're not interesred, aside from the simple fact I'm reserved and struggle to approach people I don't know. I've tried everything, wasted about $400 on dating sites and apps, and in 23 years I've been in one relationship for 3 months (she was great, but it wasn't working). Not knowing what I can do to fix it has added to a sense of helplessness, and my normally very positive upbeat attitude has began to turn into staunch cynicism and I'm concerned about developing resentment towards the generalization of people I view as having rejected me. Recently I've began smoking weed everyday and night to try to fend off depressive symptoms, but it's starting to not work anymore.

I'm not seeking medication because I know that fixing issues in my life will restore my mood, but just getting by is starting to be very difficult. As of now I'm hoping that being able to talk about the way I'm feeling might be able to get me through this period of isolation. I've put out job applications and signed up to volunteer to get more interaction, but remaining neurotic and reserved and now cynical I don't have a sense that any fundamental change is coming.

I very much appreciate anyone who takes the time out of their day to read this, I would've made it shorter but, y'know, OCD.


Well-known member
Feb 6, 2021
Punta Gorda, Florida, USA
I think that talk therapy (CBT) would really help you, especially since you say you're not seeking medication.
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