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Random bullet points about my ED

E

Enichols413

Member
Joined
Dec 3, 2021
Messages
10
Location
USA
I’m going through my subconscious trying to analyze why I’m thinking and feeling the way I do. And why I’m taking my pain out on my body… these are just some random thoughts. Please tell me if you feel the same at all because I’m brand new to this illness, and I’d like to know I’m not alone.

• I don’t want to get better. I keep telling myself I have it under control and I can lose more and more weight… and more and more… without anyone noticing, without being hospitalized, without needing help. I know intellectually that’s unrealistic and untrue. But my brain still believes it. I FEEL like I have it under control - even though I KNOW I don’t.

• I also think I don’t want to recover because I am comfortable with my ED. It is something for me to focus on, rather than things I don’t want to think about.

• I almost want therapy so they can help me figure out exactly why I don’t want therapy.

• I don’t believe my ED comes from a place of control, but rather a place of being so engulfed in trauma-induced depression that I want to just waste away.

• My family unfortunately is not enough for me to want to recover. How messed up is that?

• I know all the logic behind why I SHOULD recover. I’ve heard and said it all before. But my brain doesn’t believe it. It’s like trying to tell me that blue is now green. What’s real objective truth and what my brain will accept are on two different planes of existence. I saw a meme that said “intellectualizing your emotions doesn’t make you emotionally intelligent. I can still destroy myself, but be perfectly aware of what I’m doing.” My best analogy is that it’s like being locked inside a room filled with my mental illness, and the walls are made of thick bullet-proof glass. And outside the room is recovery. I can see it. I can see how appealing it is. I want to be there. But I’m stuck in this room with no door, and no way to get out. So I’m cognitively aware of why I should recover. But I can’t. I don’t know if that makes sense.

I dunno. I chased away the one person I had to talk to about this, and now I need an outlet. Or a sounding board, if you will. Thanks for reading.
 
G

goodgollymiss

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 6, 2017
Messages
1,021
I was starving myself unintentionally by not getting nutrition. Maybe you need a nutritionist
 
G

goodgollymiss

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 6, 2017
Messages
1,021
Maybe you could write poetry. You are a good writer
 
E

Enichols413

Member
Joined
Dec 3, 2021
Messages
10
Location
USA
I was starving myself unintentionally by not getting nutrition. Maybe you need a nutritionist
I know HOW to eat. But I can’t make myself do it. I have tried. Several times. This is not unintentional and has nothing to do with needing a nutritionist.
 
G

goodgollymiss

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 6, 2017
Messages
1,021
Oh I apologize. I'm not a professional and don't think intricately
 
E

Enichols413

Member
Joined
Dec 3, 2021
Messages
10
Location
USA
Oh I apologize. I'm not a professional and don't think intricately
That’s ok, I appreciate your willingness to reach out. Offering advice is always well-intentioned and a kind thing to do. So thank you ❤️
 
G

goodgollymiss

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 6, 2017
Messages
1,021
Hugs. Hopefully someone with some experience will come along sometime to post for us
 
A

AlphaWhiskey

Member
Joined
Jan 2, 2022
Messages
13
Location
USA
I’m going through my subconscious trying to analyze why I’m thinking and feeling the way I do. And why I’m taking my pain out on my body… these are just some random thoughts. Please tell me if you feel the same at all because I’m brand new to this illness, and I’d like to know I’m not alone.

• I don’t want to get better. I keep telling myself I have it under control and I can lose more and more weight… and more and more… without anyone noticing, without being hospitalized, without needing help. I know intellectually that’s unrealistic and untrue. But my brain still believes it. I FEEL like I have it under control - even though I KNOW I don’t.

• I also think I don’t want to recover because I am comfortable with my ED. It is something for me to focus on, rather than things I don’t want to think about.

• I almost want therapy so they can help me figure out exactly why I don’t want therapy.

• I don’t believe my ED comes from a place of control, but rather a place of being so engulfed in trauma-induced depression that I want to just waste away.

• My family unfortunately is not enough for me to want to recover. How messed up is that?

• I know all the logic behind why I SHOULD recover. I’ve heard and said it all before. But my brain doesn’t believe it. It’s like trying to tell me that blue is now green. What’s real objective truth and what my brain will accept are on two different planes of existence. I saw a meme that said “intellectualizing your emotions doesn’t make you emotionally intelligent. I can still destroy myself, but be perfectly aware of what I’m doing.” My best analogy is that it’s like being locked inside a room filled with my mental illness, and the walls are made of thick bullet-proof glass. And outside the room is recovery. I can see it. I can see how appealing it is. I want to be there. But I’m stuck in this room with no door, and no way to get out. So I’m cognitively aware of why I should recover. But I can’t. I don’t know if that makes sense.

I dunno. I chased away the one person I had to talk to about this, and now I need an outlet. Or a sounding board, if you will. Thanks for reading.
This resonates with me. I have been through treatment and continue to see a therapist and a dietician on a regular basis. I still am on the fence about if I really want to recover. I have realized that by seeking out therapy, it is not surrendering the ED. It is still mine and I can keep it if I want. I will say that the more I work with the therapist, the more those bulletproof walls turn into something like plaster or drywall- something that can be broken though.
 

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