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Ramblings

MarlieeB

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Hi all, I hope you are all safe and well :)

I think we have all been affected over the events over the past few days in our different ways. I personally have been very reluctant to post about myself but after some great advise I've decided to give this a go. I'm going to copy some things I have written elsewhere.

One of the things I am feeling is numb, the thoughts are there but I am fighting them the best I can and I am safe but I also feel numb. How can you want to hurt yourself while feeling numb? I don't get it.

I've been doing everything I can to distract myself but when I am lying in bed, in the silence then my head starts spinning with thoughts. I'm not sleeping and when I do I'm having constant nightmares, mostly of people dying in total detail. Every part of pain they suffer, I suffer. I see it through their eyes and when I am not in that person I am the witness to their deaths. Even though I did sleep a lot better last night, only problem is that I woke up at 4 pm ish. (last sentence I just added)

Now I posted those a day or so ago.

Last week was very stressful but at the moment I do feel a lot calmer in myself, not so impulsive. I am drinking at the moment but I'm only doing it because I know I can keep myself safe and that no matter how drunk I might get, I know that it won't lead to me doing anything stupid, well as far as I'm aware.

I'm nervous about a GP appointment on Thursday morning. Long story short. My GP and someone else turned up at my parents house last week concerned about my welfare so no matter how much I want to cancel I can't because it might make things a hell of a lot worse, only problem is that I have to go alone. I've been lucky that my friend has been able to come with me before hand but she can't this time.

I also have family visiting from abroad from Saturday which I'm excited about but also really nervous about as it means I have to spend time with my family which is something I have been avoiding since that incident with the GP last week and the last time I saw them it brought up a bad memory which I am struggling still to come to terms with to the point that when I had an assessment a couple of weeks ago I couldn't bring myself to bring it up. I told them something happened but not what.

Even though as I've said I feel a lot calmer but everything is so mixed up right now, I'm so confused.

I am feeling so emotional right now but in a different way.

Sorry about the long very mixed up post, I try usually not to type long posts as I know how hard they are to read.
 
TiredTina

TiredTina

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hi Marliee,

I get a numb feeling sometimes, I wonder if its to do with our minds shutting down a bit because they are becoming overloaded. I totally agree about the thoughts running rampant when you lie down to sleep, nothing to distract when in that position thats the problem. Lack of sleep is one of the worst things as it affects everything. The nightmares sound really horrible, Im sorry youre having to go through that.

Im glad youre feeling a little calmer and safer, that is good news. I hope that the GP appointment isnt as bad as youre imagining, must be scary for you but you will manage it, I know you will.

I hope that when your family from abroad are visiting that you can just go round to your parents for short amounts of time, as much as you feel is manageable depending on how you are feeling.

Im glad that you decided to post on the forum, it has been a very difficult few days but we need to carry on supporting each other. Take care of yourself.

TT xx :hug:
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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Sending you lots of hugs. It sounds like you might be reliving a traumatic experience. I know how hard that is. Do you have anyone other than your gp you can talk to? It can be really helpful to talk through some of these things with a good therapist. Of course, you can always talk on here too.
 

MarlieeB

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hi Marliee,

I get a numb feeling sometimes, I wonder if its to do with our minds shutting down a bit because they are becoming overloaded. I totally agree about the thoughts running rampant when you lie down to sleep, nothing to distract when in that position thats the problem. Lack of sleep is one of the worst things as it affects everything. The nightmares sound really horrible, Im sorry youre having to go through that.

Im glad youre feeling a little calmer and safer, that is good news. I hope that the GP appointment isnt as bad as youre imagining, must be scary for you but you will manage it, I know you will.

I hope that when your family from abroad are visiting that you can just go round to your parents for short amounts of time, as much as you feel is manageable depending on how you are feeling.

Im glad that you decided to post on the forum, it has been a very difficult few days but we need to carry on supporting each other. Take care of yourself.

TT xx :hug:
Thank you TT for not only for giving me the advice earlier in PM but also for posting here.

xxx
 

MarlieeB

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Sending you lots of hugs. It sounds like you might be reliving a traumatic experience. I know how hard that is. Do you have anyone other than your gp you can talk to? It can be really helpful to talk through some of these things with a good therapist. Of course, you can always talk on here too.
Thank you for replying PC :hug1:

I am going through an assessment right now for CBT. It was only meant to be the one assessment but because of things I shared during that assessment I'm having a second assessment which I am currently waiting for.

xx
 
pepecat

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I wonder if some of the wanting to hurt yourself while still feeling numb is so that you feel something - othoer than numb, I mean? I've sh'd in the past to get rid of distressing feelings, but I've also done it because I wanted to feel something, even if it was physical pain, it was better than nothing.
 
M

mumdownunder

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Hi

I know how daunting the assessment process is particularly when you need to discuss triggering events. I went through assessments at two different centres for eating disorder programs and "just couldn't" finish all the questions so I've needed to hold off on continuing for now as I got so bad I nearly landed myself in hospital.

The day program centre I attend over here run cbt and from what I've heard it can work really well. Will it be 1:1 or group therapy?

For what it's worth I think you have done the right thing by writing things down as it can help us process things. You have been brave sharing this with us as I'm sure it couldn't have been easy.

Let us know how the appts go- the gp and the follow up assessment. Also confirm that the gp has the correct mobile number for you and check with your mobile provider how to check if voicemail is on/off that way you might not find yourself in this distressing situation again. Our house phone has voicemail and neither I nor my husband know how to access it so goodness only knows how many messages have been left on it! If only I practised what I preached!!

Thinking of you at this difficult time. Take care
 
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MarlieeB

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I wonder if some of the wanting to hurt yourself while still feeling numb is so that you feel something - othoer than numb, I mean? I've sh'd in the past to get rid of distressing feelings, but I've also done it because I wanted to feel something, even if it was physical pain, it was better than nothing.
That is what I am trying to figure out. It just seems really strange at the moment. How can I feel numb while wanting to hurt myself? I don't know whether it's a reaction to things or what.

I usually get the either being numb or wanting to hurt myself, not both of them together.

I just don't know, I really don't.

Thank you for replying :)

xx
 

MarlieeB

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Hi

I know how daunting the assessment process is particularly when you need to discuss triggering events. I went through assessments at two different centres for eating disorder programs and "just couldn't" finish all the questions so I've needed to hold off on continuing for now as I got so bad I nearly landed myself in hospital.

The day program centre I attend over here run cbt and from what I've heard it can work really well. Will it be 1:1 or group therapy?

For what it's worth I think you have done the right thing by writing things down as it can help us process things. You have been brave sharing this with us as I'm sure it couldn't have been easy.

Let us know how the appts go- the gp and the follow up assessment. Also confirm that the gp has the correct mobile number for you and check with your mobile provider how to check if voicemail is on/off that way you might not find yourself in this distressing situation again. Our house phone has voicemail and neither I nor my husband know how to access it so goodness only knows how many messages have been left on it! If only I practised what I preached!!

Thinking of you at this difficult time. Take care
Thank you for replying MDU :)

I did check whether they have the right number and they do. I purposely don't have voicemail as that makes me really anxious as anything that means listening to voices makes me anxious. Sounds strange I know, I've always been like that. If they had a text service or even a email service that would be better for me as I am much better at typing than speaking on the phone.

I'm sorry that your assessments made you feel so bad :hug1: I hope that when you get yourself in a better place you can finish and maybe answer the questions you couldn't answer well, unless you don't need to. and get the help you really deserve.

I will try my best to keep everyone updated.

xxx

All the replies mean the world to me, they really do :grouphug:
 

MarlieeB

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Sorry I missed this first time MDU. It's one to one as they agree that group will do more more harm than good.

:hug5:

xx
 
messymoo

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I sometimes sh to feel something when I'm feeling numb Marliee just wanted to say your not alone and send a hug :hug1: xx
 

MarlieeB

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I'm so fed up right now, especially with Orange who are sending debt collectors my way and affecting my credit rating because of a fault on their part.

That's my life at the moment. One thing after another, karma is really trying to drag me down.
 
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