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Rambling About Depression and Suicide

InfiniteRectangles

InfiniteRectangles

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 23, 2018
Messages
528
Location
Georgia, USA
So, this will probably be a rambly, jumbled mess, so kudos to you if you actually get through all of this.

I've been feeling very depressed lately. I just recently got out of an abusive relationship and it's hard dealing with the roller coaster of emotions that comes along with that. On one hand, I am relieved. On the other, I miss him. I mean, I really miss him. He tried for so long to get me back, and finally he has cut me out of his life completely. No texts or phone calls or anything. He told me he never wants to speak to me again. He was always my go-to person when I needed someone to talk to. Yeah, he was abusive, and we often argued, but at least I had someone to talk to. Now I have no one. I mean, I have a couple of friends, but they have their own lives and problems and I don't want to be a bother. They have better things to do than try to cheer up their depressed friend. So I don't message them. I wait for them to message me. Problem is, they don't. They don't message me. They don't call me. The only people I talk to are my parents and my therapist. And I don't even get to talk to them often because my parents work a lot and I can only see my therapist once every other week.

Also, my sister is pregnant, and everyone else is so excited but I am depressed. I am not good with children at all so I feel like I will be a terrible aunt. I want to be a good aunt to my sister's baby but how can I be when I am such a mess? Also, people are putting pressure on me to have children one day (I'm only 20 and people are already talking about me having kids). I don't plan on ever having children. It's not that I don't like children. I just don't want my own children. And if I ever did decide to have children, I would adopt. But people say all kinds of things to me like "You'll change your mind. Just you wait." or "You'll regret that decision later in life" or "Who will take care of you when you are old?" and so on and so forth. It's frustrating.

Anyway, on top of all of that, my voices have been relentless lately. They've been telling me things like I am worthless and pathetic and no one really cares about me. They tell me to kill myself, and honestly, sometimes I want to listen to them. Sometimes I really do want to kill myself, but I don't really have the energy. And what would it accomplish anyway? All I'd be doing is transferring my pain to those who care about me. And what would happen to my animals? Both my dog and cat have separation anxiety and can't stand for me to be away from them. If I died, it'd crush them. They are honestly one of the main reasons I am still here. And what would my sister tell her child if I killed myself? I want to be there and watch him grow up, but at the same time I just want everything to be over.

My birthday is coming up and I am thinking about having a party since I haven't had one since I was 16, but I don't know if anyone would actually show up. My friends all said they were interested, but some said they weren't sure if they could make it. Maybe I'll have the party, turn 21, and then kill myself. Go out on a good note. Or maybe I will hold on and see what this year brings me. Maybe things will get better for me. I'm supposed to start school in the spring. Maybe I will see how that goes before I kill myself. I don't know. I don't know about anything anymore.

Thanks, if you actually bothered to read all of this. I don't even know why I am posting this. Maybe someone will be able to help me. I'm supposed to see my therapist next Thursday but I might call and see if I can come in sooner because I am really struggling right now. I try to remind myself of what my signature says, but sometimes it's hard to think about tomorrow. It's hard to get out of this rut I'm stuck in.
 
J

JCPraha

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
864
The sudden separation from someone who was your main source of support is very difficult. I am sure that plays a role in your current state. It is good that at least you have some family support. It is common, people get involved in their own lives. Only really close friends, which are rare, are available when things aren't going well.

You are very young and have a lot of life ahead of you. It is really too early in your life to throw in the towel. I know it is difficult, but you can get past this. Go to your psych doctor, see your therapist, and try to block out the negative recurring thoughts. Replace them with positive thoughts. Try to get out and mingle with people. Get some exercise. Anything that can help replace the negative thoughts with positive thoughts.
 
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