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Rage! Please Help.

T

TOONAFISH

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2008
Messages
2,686
Location
Bonnie Scotland
I am so fkn angry with myself.

I have to say I used to do this all the time before I started my lithium not been so bad since then.

Tonite was standing doing the ironing and me and hubby got speaking. I wasn;t watching the iron and my daughter was dancing about. Hubby said "I'm not comfortable with that" Meaning the iron being left unattended.

I went completely mental. shouting and swearing, how dare he say i wasn't a fit mother, that he doesn't trust me looking after her on and on.

He kept telling me to calm down, and I started trying to hit him and grab his throat.

I was so angry at him I could have killed him. Seriously!

Now 20mins later, I feel as I always do embarrassed ashamed dissapointed sickened.

I know if he did this to me it wouldn't be acceptable. I understand it isn't acceptable for me to do it either.

What the fk is wrong with me. I hate myself. How do I change?

I dont expect anyone to tell me that it is ok as I know it most def is not. But what do i do so it doesnt happen again.

and sorry if i make anyone mad:redface::redface::redface:
 
iffybob

iffybob

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
4,858
Location
England
I

I get those, they scare me, its not right.

The only thing I have found is to recognise it comming, that first warm feeling going through your body and the surge of energy and power, then turn away and walk off, and hide.

Once it take hold and you start to act on it, I think its past the point where you can stop it and it just has to burn out.

Make sure you applogies to your OH and your child if she was there.

Sorry .......
 
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TOONAFISH

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2008
Messages
2,686
Location
Bonnie Scotland
cheers iffybob

my dh is speaking to me now. but i dont know how much longer he will put up with it. i missed my meds recently as i was sick, maybe has something to do with it?

i have to get it sorted
 
R

roses_in_december

Member
Joined
Dec 18, 2009
Messages
10
Hey Toonafish,

I read your post and thought it could have been me writing. I know exactly how it can be. I agree with iffybob if you can learn to sense when it's about to happen (I find I get really hot and my heartrate trebles)but I don't think you should hide. Get out of the house, go for a walk, somewhere quiet where there aren't people around to irritate you. I always have my gym bag packed and ready by the door so if I feel it coming on I can just grab it and headout for a work out to work through it. I don't always catch it tho... I almost lost my partner through my anger. I also find that keeping tabs on what I've eaten and how much I've slept can really help...low blood sugar and lack of sleep really can cause problems.

You are not alone Toonafish, no it is not acceptable behaviour, but the fact that you recognise that is a really good sign. Insight is half the battle.

Roses x
 
D

DELATEXT

Guest
rage

I am so fkn angry with myself.

I have to say I used to do this all the time before I started my lithium not been so bad since then.

Tonite was standing doing the ironing and me and hubby got speaking. I wasn;t watching the iron and my daughter was dancing about. Hubby said "I'm not comfortable with that" Meaning the iron being left unattended.

I went completely mental. shouting and swearing, how dare he say i wasn't a fit mother, that he doesn't trust me looking after her on and on.

He kept telling me to calm down, and I started trying to hit him and grab his throat.

I was so angry at him I could have killed him. Seriously!

Now 20mins later, I feel as I always do embarrassed ashamed dissapointed sickened.

I know if he did this to me it wouldn't be acceptable. I understand it isn't acceptable for me to do it either.

What the fk is wrong with me. I hate myself. How do I change?

I dont expect anyone to tell me that it is ok as I know it most def is not. But what do i do so it doesnt happen again.

and sorry if i make anyone mad:redface::redface::redface:
mister dark resides in all of us ?? dealing with it is very difficult, there are no easy fixes ?? hope your partner can support you in difficult times (y)(y)
 
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Devon

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2009
Messages
148
Location
Devon
Yes, I can definitely empathise here.

Once during a bout of depression I picked my flat mate up by the throat with one hand and raised her up in the air and held her there for over 30 seconds.

The scarey thing is that I was at the time a weedy little shit and have seen chickens with more meat on them.

The strength I gained at that moment was very scarey!! :mad:

Thankfully I gained a little bit of insight into my actions and dropped her again.
 
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