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Quiet BPD?? Can someone help?

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PaigeTWoods

Active member
Joined
Jan 6, 2019
Messages
33
Hi all!

I’m here today because I have been self reflecting the past few weeks and have thought it may be possible that I have quiet BPD.

Anyone out there who suffers this I would love to hear from you, maybe your opinion on whether my symptoms indicate this disorder or not.

I’m coming out of a year long period of acute depression and anxiety for what I thought was the first time in my life. Now that I am coming back around I questioning whether I ever really was ‘normal’ before this episode.

I have been reading over diaries I wrote on my phone over the past 5 years and now I think I have suffered from emotional issues for a long time all really surrounding my relationship.

I read with BPD that relationships are unstable. Even though I have been in the same relationship for 12 years it has been really rocky for about half of that time. I would constantly breakup and go back break up and go back. The main issue was feeling rejected and unloved no matter what he told me. I remember going into depressive moods for around three days at a time where I was convinced I hated him and wanted to leave then I would switch back to loving him and wanting to stay. The emotions were very intense and these episodes have been going on for years.

I have also had a lot of anxiety around commitment and progressing in a relationship like not wanting to get married have kids or buy a house because I am so indecisive about how I feel about my partner, it changes all the time.

I go through intense periods of feeling lonely isolated and trapped whereby all I can do is lie in bed and want to die.

I have never acted out, I don’t get angry or hurt myself or threaten suicide but the internal feelings are still strong. The only thing is these feelings are only for my partner. All my other relationships with friends, colleagues, family are very stable and secure.

Does anyone think this may be quiet BPD. It sounds like it in some ways and not in others.

I’m currently on antidepressants and will be going to see my psychiatrist soon so any advice would be much appreciated!

Thanks
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
9,412
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
It could be, my BPD is quiet irl and my main issues with it are I push people away then when they back off I cling to them, also the self harm thing :hug:
 
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PaigeTWoods

Active member
Joined
Jan 6, 2019
Messages
33
Thanks midnightphoenix. How did you get diagnosed? How do you find relief? Do you do the pushing away thing with everyone or just intimate partner? Sorry for the amount of questions, just very curious
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
9,412
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
Thanks midnightphoenix. How did you get diagnosed? How do you find relief? Do you do the pushing away thing with everyone or just intimate partner? Sorry for the amount of questions, just very curious
i got disagnosed after a mentally abusive relationship ended and i became known to mental health services, i basically push everyone away - friends, family, partners, work colleagues, everyone

the only ones i dont push away are my gorgeous girlies (cats), they are what helps me stay reasonably stable, without them i would be destroyed (i'm serious)
 
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PaigeTWoods

Active member
Joined
Jan 6, 2019
Messages
33
i got disagnosed after a mentally abusive relationship ended and i became known to mental health services, i basically push everyone away - friends, family, partners, work colleagues, everyone

the only ones i dont push away are my gorgeous girlies (cats), they are what helps me stay reasonably stable, without them i would be destroyed (i'm serious)
Yeah animals are great! This huge flare up for me actually happened after my dog died. I totally relied on her for emotional support.

Yeah see that’s what’s kinda different with me, I only act that way with my partner. So that’s why I question it.

I hope you have found a way to be happy and have relief xx
 
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EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
1,612
Location
USA
I can relate Paige. Mostly comes out with my bf. Although if I’m stressed I do have similar feelings surrounding other relationships that I just don’t share with those people. Ie “my sister is the better kid in the family, everyone at work thinks I’m a weirdo” but I still act normal with those people.

Might just have a mild form or be high functioning :)
 
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PaigeTWoods

Active member
Joined
Jan 6, 2019
Messages
33
Hi Ester,

Thanks so much for the reply. It’s good to hear someone relate.

Yeah I don’t think stuff like that at all. I know everyone in work and my family and friends love me - it’s just him I question. But I guess ur right maybe it comes out in those we are closest to.

I hope your ok and can I ask if you have done anything to help with this?
 
Lunus

Lunus

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
871
Location
Norfolk
Hi all!

I’m here today because I have been self reflecting the past few weeks and have thought it may be possible that I have quiet BPD.

Anyone out there who suffers this I would love to hear from you, maybe your opinion on whether my symptoms indicate this disorder or not.

I’m coming out of a year long period of acute depression and anxiety for what I thought was the first time in my life. Now that I am coming back around I questioning whether I ever really was ‘normal’ before this episode.

I have been reading over diaries I wrote on my phone over the past 5 years and now I think I have suffered from emotional issues for a long time all really surrounding my relationship.

I read with BPD that relationships are unstable. Even though I have been in the same relationship for 12 years it has been really rocky for about half of that time. I would constantly breakup and go back break up and go back. The main issue was feeling rejected and unloved no matter what he told me. I remember going into depressive moods for around three days at a time where I was convinced I hated him and wanted to leave then I would switch back to loving him and wanting to stay. The emotions were very intense and these episodes have been going on for years.

I have also had a lot of anxiety around commitment and progressing in a relationship like not wanting to get married have kids or buy a house because I am so indecisive about how I feel about my partner, it changes all the time.

I go through intense periods of feeling lonely isolated and trapped whereby all I can do is lie in bed and want to die.

I have never acted out, I don’t get angry or hurt myself or threaten suicide but the internal feelings are still strong. The only thing is these feelings are only for my partner. All my other relationships with friends, colleagues, family are very stable and secure.

Does anyone think this may be quiet BPD. It sounds like it in some ways and not in others.

I’m currently on antidepressants and will be going to see my psychiatrist soon so any advice would be much appreciated!

Thanks
Be aware it is extremely difficult to get diagnosed with BPD, especially if you are self destructive but not suicidal, as it’s such a complex condition. Also, you could also have other disorders running in parallel like Social Anxiety, Abandonment issues, Addictions etc.
You mention you have a Psychiatrist. Have you not talked of these issues to him/her? If not, you should. Between your Psychiatrist and Doctor you should be able to get a diagnosis.
On your situation, despite getting emotional on a few occasions at work I survive ok. Now I’m learning Mindfulness I’m actually their top performer and by and large can control my emotions, as I can (mostly through drink) other people. However, with my wife it’s been an absolute nightmare. I can get grief stricken if she just leaves the house. I do not hear what she says, and just talking to her I can easily move to either end of an extreme emotional spectrum.
If you want to educate yourself on all the BPD symptoms and also learn about Mindfulness, Radical Acceptance and Distress Tolerance, I would strongly recommend a book called Mindfulness for DBT by Blaise Aguirre and Gillian Galen. Any questions on the above, please ask.
 
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PaigeTWoods

Active member
Joined
Jan 6, 2019
Messages
33
Be aware it is extremely difficult to get diagnosed with BPD, especially if you are self destructive but not suicidal, as it’s such a complex condition. Also, you could also have other disorders running in parallel like Social Anxiety, Abandonment issues, Addictions etc.
You mention you have a Psychiatrist. Have you not talked of these issues to him/her? If not, you should. Between your Psychiatrist and Doctor you should be able to get a diagnosis.
On your situation, despite getting emotional on a few occasions at work I survive ok. Now I’m learning Mindfulness I’m actually their top performer and by and large can control my emotions, as I can (mostly through drink) other people. However, with my wife it’s been an absolute nightmare. I can get grief stricken if she just leaves the house. I do not hear what she says, and just talking to her I can easily move to either end of an extreme emotional spectrum.
If you want to educate yourself on all the BPD symptoms and also learn about Mindfulness, Radical Acceptance and Distress Tolerance, I would strongly recommend a book called Mindfulness for DBT by Blaise Aguirre and Gillian Galen. Any questions on the above, please ask.
Hi Lunus,

Thanks so much for ur reply. It’s great to hear you can work and socialize that’s great.

I haven’t spoken to psychiatrist about this because I have only seen her once before and at that stage I was severely depressed and anxious with depersonalization that was terrifying so I wasn’t even thinking of my past or how I felt/behaved then.

You see, I don’t know whether the depression and depersonalization tricking me into thinking I was always like this or whether it’s a result of my recent trauma. It’s very confusing and scary.

Thanks a lot for your insight, it’s very helpful.
 
Lunus

Lunus

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
871
Location
Norfolk
Hi Lunus,

Thanks so much for ur reply. It’s great to hear you can work and socialize that’s great.

I haven’t spoken to psychiatrist about this because I have only seen her once before and at that stage I was severely depressed and anxious with depersonalization that was terrifying so I wasn’t even thinking of my past or how I felt/behaved then.

You see, I don’t know whether the depression and depersonalization tricking me into thinking I was always like this or whether it’s a result of my recent trauma. It’s very confusing and scary.

Thanks a lot for your insight, it’s very helpful.
It’s my pleasure. A classic trait of BPD is The inability to regulate your emotions, where others become sad we become grief stricken and people find joy but we are ecstatic. Our emotional attachments are huge in our life.
Anyway, anything I can do to ease your suffering just ask. I’ve not long been diagnosed and start DBT therapy on Tuesday so I might even learn something lol. Take care (ps I’m Pete)
 
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PaigeTWoods

Active member
Joined
Jan 6, 2019
Messages
33
It’s my pleasure. A classic trait of BPD is The inability to regulate your emotions, where others become sad we become grief stricken and people find joy but we are ecstatic. Our emotional attachments are huge in our life.
Anyway, anything I can do to ease your suffering just ask. I’ve not long been diagnosed and start DBT therapy on Tuesday so I might even learn something lol. Take care (ps I’m Pete)
Thanks a mill Pete, I’m never in the ecstatic side it’s more just negative or ok with me. Maybe it’s not BDP after all. Good look with the DBT I have heard it works wonders!
 
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EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
1,612
Location
USA
Hi Ester,

Thanks so much for the reply. It’s good to hear someone relate.

Yeah I don’t think stuff like that at all. I know everyone in work and my family and friends love me - it’s just him I question. But I guess ur right maybe it comes out in those we are closest to.

I hope your ok and can I ask if you have done anything to help with this?
Yep I take Zoloft and see a therapist once a week ☺ I’m usually totally fine unless my sleep schedule is off or I’m stressed. I highly recommend the same book Lunus mentioned
 
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