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    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Questions....

L

Littlebit Sally

Member
Joined
Nov 27, 2009
Messages
23
HI there, I am new here...

I have in the past felt like I didn't know how to separate my personality from another person's.... NOt MPD but like actual people I knew or random people I met or was around. LIke the best way to describe it is that I didn't know where I began and the other person ended. LIke their thoughts and feeling s were mine as well. Someone would say something and I would think that I was thinking it. I would sometimes wonder if this was happening or if I really did think these things. If some lady was talking about a patient and seemed worried about her and said "I am going to go check on her" I would think I said that. The feeling s I felt were very strong. Sometimes I felt like I was a man. I am a woman in all respects and I am heterosexual as well but this was one thing I thought, I thought other people mistook me for a man. I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective but I haven't told the psychiatrist alot of things. The thoughts of others and feelings of others became my own. I am very suggestible and have a hard time establishing my identity in the way of how I view myself. Basically what others think of me becomes what I think of myself. For instance, if someone accuses me of something horrible I begin to believe I did that even though I know in my heart that it isn't something I would ever do... Please help with answers....
 
martyn6291

martyn6291

Active member
Joined
Feb 16, 2009
Messages
42
Location
Gloucestershire
HI!

I wouldnt want to generalise at all on what is clearly very uncomfortable for you!
Are you saying that your over-empathising with others? Making their realitys beleivable?...do you find them believable?

As with identity... the separating part of creating a personal identity is also related to beleivability....simply put many people who adopt the influences of others are critically lacking in self believibility...they belive others over themselves!

I would also say that when we are living out of the "maps" of others on a scale that you say you are..then its understandable that depressive and low emotional states ensue...i understand that adopting a massive amounts of different "maps"...is hugely confusing and frustrating...but this has come from practice...youve been running it over and over..and although you appear to be unhappy, be sure that your actually very good at it.....we become good at things we constantly doo..right?:)

So would it be fair to say that if you learnt something else..then you could also become good at that too?...say...identifying personal boundaries...internal dialogue (self talk) and harbouring believable thoughts and behaviours about YOU!

Wach my video on youtube...may be of help!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxlPTtLDczw

Good luck!
MArtyn:hug:
 
L

Littlebit Sally

Member
Joined
Nov 27, 2009
Messages
23
I do have a theory that i don't have boundaries because I do over empathize and and maniny during my extrem psychosis period I was more vulnerable to the thoughts of others. I have more boundaries now but then I do think that somewhere deep inside I want to punish myself all the time and that I don't know anything else but how to feel guilty or scared of my thoughts. YOu're right it is a pattern of self abuse and I think it is easier for me to deal with things by hurting myself some times...
 
martyn6291

martyn6291

Active member
Joined
Feb 16, 2009
Messages
42
Location
Gloucestershire
Hi!

As i mentioned in my other post..your emotional attachment to your scenario is actually achieving something for you.....

Another example...Anger is a classic...people who are angry get results..BIG results..because if they have learnt that by becoming angry that they are listened to...then anger becomes the driver emotion for results..( everyone listens to an angry person because they SHOUT SWEAR etc)...so the behaviiour becomes effective to get results!

Its the same for all emotions...they get results...how does your emotions give you something?..i promise that your situation is achieving something on a deep structure level..i help myself uncover this by "naming" the emotions...so if you think of sexual abuse...rather thatn getting stressed at the content...identify the emotion...and then find out how and what being in that emotion does for you!.....for me..being depressed got me listened to!....a positive outcome for a negative behaviour!

martyn x
 
L

Littlebit Sally

Member
Joined
Nov 27, 2009
Messages
23
In my case, I get the cold shoulder from the most important people in my life when I go through a psychotic episode. Perhaps this dwelling on my problems brings the affirmation I crave that I am not getting from others.... My boyfriend runs the other direction when I start to flip out, he doesn't understand the thoughts I have and it scares him so. They always act as though I am either clingy, unneccarily needy and making a mountain out of a molehill.

It is only my therapist that takes my problems very seriously. One interesting tidbit of info is that my boyfriend actually shows a great deal of sympathy to people who have a mental illness or even problems alot less painful or complex as mine. He even threw the remote control across the room and broke a ceramic figurine he had a temper tantrum because I couldn't breathe one night as I was having a terrible drug interaction. I told him that I was going to call 911 and he told me not to very firmly. I did end up calling behind his back. Closed the door and kept my voice down. I believe he has issues that he DOES NOT believe or admit to.... I am in a quandry as to whether I should stay with him the rest of my life. One day I'm going to grow old and become ill and who is going to take care of me or LET me be taken care of.... I know this has gone off the subject a little but it is an important factor.. He doesn't acknowledge any troubles I go through and runs away. He can be very sweet and supportive when I am happy and everything is running smoothly. JUst a little bit about my homelife that might help to better understand the situation and why I dwell on these things is because no one else does or cares to educate themselves about it. Whew! That was a long post but much needed to get off my chest.
 
martyn6291

martyn6291

Active member
Joined
Feb 16, 2009
Messages
42
Location
Gloucestershire
Hello!

im unsure of your guys response...only in that i know that those around me have become so despirate, (or appear to be) that they become frustrated and angry at me because no matter what solutions they present..i throw in a spanner and make it difficult......which again leads me to realise that im running a pattern......like a computer program..it was once written into my database...which also means it can be deleted!!

your guy may have problems too..i mean many people with chronic menatl health issues...have far more insight into the issues they face than those who dont....and even those that dont have issues...may not even know they do have them.....i have learnt....that this is because the realisations are far too painfull to face!...so they dont face them..

Its all like the matrix film...the blue pill or the red pill...if you try and face your issues..there really is no way back...only forward..!! many people cant handle this sally and opt for the pill of ignorance!

Yopu..and i have obviously chosen the opposite...through the need to resolve and re-couperate!!...only forward!!
 
L

Littlebit Sally

Member
Joined
Nov 27, 2009
Messages
23
I haven't been this upset in 3 or 4 months and something has triggered these obsessions and pain that I am currently going through.... For one, my whole lifestyle has changed as I have moved clear across country in the last month... I also wonder if since I have been moving sooo much over the course of 5 years with boyfriend in the navy... -that perhaps since he has retired and settled in and finally bought a house... that I feel a bit more like putting down roots and because I have repressed and haven't really talked to therapists about the past but focusing on problems in the present.

NOw It seems all of that repression adn lack of time to really get to know my doctors that I finally feel like I should let it all hang out and mourn and grieve for the things that shape my behavior today. I have a fear of groups of people that all know me, I am fine in an anonymous crowd though... This is because I have had groups of people attack me verbally and they did alot of harm and I felt powerless to defend myself. NOw, I have extreme anxiety and awkwardness when dealing with a group. I have alot of trouble with eye contact as I am afraid of being "read" by others then consequently judged.

Thanks again for taking an interest in helping me solve or at least figure out these issues. I appreciate it.
 
L

Littlebit Sally

Member
Joined
Nov 27, 2009
Messages
23
I don't know that my response really falls in line with what we were originally talking about but just some insight though. You're right about confronting your fears and delving into your own psyche can be scary and I do feel that my boyfriend is the avoident type and he bottles it all inside.

I have chosen to confront and possibly purge these negative thoughts and behaviors. I am the opposite of my boyfriend in that I ldelve nto and analyze and talk about things because I desperately WANT to be understood and liked my almost everyone. He is opposite and even admitted when I told him that he was extremely difficult to read- he said "I like it that way" So that tells me something. This is not about him but example of how other people "cope" with negative feeling and thoughts.

As for myself, I can't comprehend my horrible thoughts and things that people don't understand drive them crazy and the result is fear... NOw a compulsion to "punish" myself might even be realated to wanting to beat others to the punch and harm myself instead of living the comfortable perfect life and getting a suprise attack that I wasn't "prepared" for. It's like when someone expects the worst from a situation then they are "ready to deal with it" or they don't experiece the disappointment that comes from an innocent, naive mind that is overly optimistic. It's like being afraid to have fun because of the letdown when the party is over so you punish yourself to prepare for something worse. Does this make sense?
 
martyn6291

martyn6291

Active member
Joined
Feb 16, 2009
Messages
42
Location
Gloucestershire
Yep!

it does make sense...completely!

I would say that the issues of wanting to be like by everyone and pinning their response to your expectations and also your response to them are all linked...and...more crucially...from your use of language, escpecially the word
"Nieve"...is a lable used from the outside world!...basciaclly its a word thats used to imply stupidity, simplicity and blissfull ignorance in one!

This word is a word that youve learnt to use to identify yourself!...in many cases the word fits in with how you see yourself...but if you removed the meaning of the word..then the word ceases to be relevent!

As with the horrifying thoughts you have...they have only come to mean something to you through process and constant repitition....you attach mean to lots Sally!..thats amazing!!!!

Im the kind of samiliar person.....i attach sooo much meaning to everything...at best i add fantasy, magic and energy to my life...but that same ability can also be applied to completely destroy myself!...its when i interact with others i find life very drab....i see people who add no meaning what so ever ( or dont show it)...and seeing them being so "normal"...makes me think im not....but part of me knows im very unique...sensitive and able to turn my thoughts to the most amazing uses!...i have.......and i know you can do so too!

People with these problems have this ability to create as wonderfully and they are capable of destroying terribly!....its finding the best thought patterns and tools to manage in some way!

Your told..im told we are in a mess....how would it be if you were just more advanced than those creating the diagnosis?
 
L

Littlebit Sally

Member
Joined
Nov 27, 2009
Messages
23
I have to really think about some of the things you said and mull it over... Alot to think about! Feel free to seek my opinions when you're stumped by your own brain like I sometimes feel. :)

It's my cup of tea:tea:- these discussions about issues and uncovering their mystery...

By the way, I just noticed the little emoticon for the cuppa tea and I couldn't resist.
 
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