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Question: Suicidal Thoughts vs Suicidal Urges

  • Thread starter ScarsThatIamHiding
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ScarsThatIamHiding

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So a little backstory here. I have been having suicidal thoughts for my entire life. I have planned what I would do, how, where and I have written my suicide note thousands of times.
However, I don't have the urge to go through with it very often, like I have been at that point no more than 4 times in the past 30 years. One of those times lasted around nine years, but it was more like I sought out things that would accidentally kill me rather than trying it myself.

After the last 5 months, I have just come out of my latest period of suicidal urges. This has started me thinking about all of this.

So my question is this:
Are your suicidal thoughts separate from your suicidal urges? Or do you think that they are one and the same?
 
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hairybanana

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So a little backstory here. I have been having suicidal thoughts for my entire life. I have planned what I would do, how, where and I have written my suicide note thousands of times.
However, I don't have the urge to go through with it very often, like I have been at that point no more than 4 times in the past 30 years. One of those times lasted around nine years, but it was more like I sought out things that would accidentally kill me rather than trying it myself.

After the last 5 months, I have just come out of my latest period of suicidal urges. This has started me thinking about all of this.

So my question is this:
Are your suicidal thoughts separate from your suicidal urges? Or do you think that they are one and the same?
For me they feel like two different things. Have also had these thoughts most of my life as well, I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with it too
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

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I would see an urge (and I wouldn't really call it that) as a ramped-up version of suicidal ideation. You can think of things in a passive kinda way, I think even a lot of healthy people would think of their own mortality etc., but when you're severely depressed you may be thinking of these things in a serious way, actively planning, with intent, and maybe you were. And then I'd say there's a level above that, which it sounds like you haven't gone to, in which you no longer think, you just do. This last stage is, as far as depression goes, as close to 'crazy' as it gets. I've ended up places before and I don't to this day know how I got there, I only remember the place I ended up, and it would have been a way I would have NEVER chosen or planned. The broken mind doesn't think rationally.
 
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ScarsThatIamHiding

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For me they feel like two different things. Have also had these thoughts most of my life as well, I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with it too
I am so glad to see that other people can see that there is a difference between the 2.
I sometimes feel like it is not normal to be like this. I think that is just due to the fact that the people in my support network don't understand it well.
 
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hairybanana

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I am so glad to see that other people can see that there is a difference between the 2.
I sometimes feel like it is not normal to be like this. I think that is just due to the fact that the people in my support network don't understand it well.
It’s normal, a lot of us live with it. It blows my mind when someone doesn’t think like this. This can be your support network for things others don’t understand 👍
 
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ScarsThatIamHiding

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I would see an urge (and I wouldn't really call it that) as a ramped-up version of suicidal ideation. You can think of things in a passive kinda way, I think even a lot of healthy people would think of their own mortality etc., but when you're severely depressed you may be thinking of these things in a serious way, actively planning, with intent, and maybe you were. And then I'd say there's a level above that, which it sounds like you haven't gone to, in which you no longer think, you just do. This last stage is, as far as depression goes, as close to 'crazy' as it gets. I've ended up places before and I don't to this day know how I got there, I only remember the place I ended up, and it would have been a way I would have NEVER chosen or planned. The broken mind doesn't think rationally.
Hey Wishbone. If not an urge to commit suicide, what else would you describe it as.

For me it is what I think the difference is.
My thoughts will be to just end it all.
While my urge has taken control and is actioning those thoughts.

For me, the suicidal thoughts are there all the time, not just when I am depressed. They get worse the more severe my depression becomes.
But the suicidal urge is random. I don't have to be in a severe depression to feel that urge rise within me.

All my life I have felt like something was wrong. The best way to describe it is:
I don't want to die, but I don't want to be alive.
 
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ScarsThatIamHiding

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It’s normal, a lot of us live with it. It blows my mind when someone doesn’t think like this. This can be your support network for things others don’t understand 👍
Honestly it never crossed my mind to ask about this before now.
When I found out that not everybody thinks like this, it was a massive shock. I started feeling like something was seriously wrong with me.
But I am glad that I am not alone in this thought pattern
 
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hairybanana

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Honestly it never crossed my mind to ask about this before now.
When I found out that not everybody thinks like this, it was a massive shock. I started feeling like something was seriously wrong with me.
But I am glad that I am not alone in this thought pattern
Yeah I know what you mean. I remember sayin something very casually about suicidal thoughts to my ex and she was shocked. And I was shocked that she doesn’t live like this haha very strange
 
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ScarsThatIamHiding

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Yeah I know what you mean. I remember sayin something very casually about suicidal thoughts to my ex and she was shocked. And I was shocked that she doesn’t live like this haha very strange
Yeah I know what you mean.
When I finally started talking about this latest episode of suicidal thoughts and urges, both my wife and my mother were shocked to hear about my thought patterns. Even my in-laws were shocked and confused by how my brain works.

For me, the thoughts of suicide are just a normal everyday thing. But my wife can't understand how no matter how good my life might be going at the time, I will still have those thoughts, but not the urges. I have attempt to explain it to her, but I.dont think that she will ever fully understand it.

Have you had any success in trying to explain it to other people?
 
H

hairybanana

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Yeah I know what you mean.
When I finally started talking about this latest episode of suicidal thoughts and urges, both my wife and my mother were shocked to hear about my thought patterns. Even my in-laws were shocked and confused by how my brain works.

For me, the thoughts of suicide are just a normal everyday thing. But my wife can't understand how no matter how good my life might be going at the time, I will still have those thoughts, but not the urges. I have attempt to explain it to her, but I.dont think that she will ever fully understand it.

Have you had any success in trying to explain it to other people?
Zero success mate. I think if someone doesn’t have those thoughts they legit shit themselves when others talk about it. It’s an unknown for them.
It sounds like you’ve been able to talk to people who are close so that’s a good thing, they’re aware even if they don’t 100% understand
 
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Gratefultobewell

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Good for you for being able to talk about this to people who know you. When I have suicidal thoughts, I feel some comfort from them, thinking this way. However I draw a line to let me know that if these thoughts become more, actively planning, that I must call my Dr right away.
 
V

virgo22

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How are you dealing with the urges? Meds, therapy or both?

I can deal with the thoughts-half of the pie mostly (talking back and so on). I wounder if CBT or something can address the urges.

I think you're taking some meds right (I know for Gratefultobewell and hairybanana I think :) ).
 
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ScarsThatIamHiding

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How are you dealing with the urges? Meds, therapy or both?

I can deal with the thoughts-half of the pie mostly (talking back and so on). I wounder if CBT or something can address the urges.

I think you're taking some meds right (I know for Gratefultobewell and hairybanana I think :) ).
I was giving Olanzapine to help me get some sleep. I have also been working with the mental health outreach team. They call me every two days, which has really helped.
I have set up regular appointments with my counsellor, and I have also got an appointment with my psychiatrist, but it isn't until next month.
 
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BlueWater

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Hey Wishbone. If not an urge to commit suicide, what else would you describe it as.

For me it is what I think the difference is.
My thoughts will be to just end it all.
While my urge has taken control and is actioning those thoughts.

For me, the suicidal thoughts are there all the time, not just when I am depressed. They get worse the more severe my depression becomes.
But the suicidal urge is random. I don't have to be in a severe depression to feel that urge rise within me.

All my life I have felt like something was wrong. The best way to describe it is:
I don't want to die, but I don't want to be alive.
The urge is random, probably monthly now, and has struck me more in 40s than ever. I don't recall it striking me before my mid-20s. I don't always know where the urge comes from. It's just there and I hate it.

People talk about a plan. I don't get it. How much planning do armed people need?? When I'm not thinking rationally, it feels like the only solution then my mood changes an hour later and I wonder how I could've ever felt that way. Oftentimes, it's because I feel triggered by something then my compulsive thinking won't stop until I feel hope or a resolution.
 
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