• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    For more features and forums

Question About Social Interaction

Y

YogiLife

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
58
Thank you, I appreciate your response. I get that it is natural for humans to interact, but the thing is there are always at least two parties to consider when interacting: me and the other person. Nobody in this world seems to want to take the initiative to talk to me or interact with me, so I have to put forth all of the effort myself. On top of that, my Asperger's makes it so that this is an extraordinary amount of effort, far more than the average person would need. I forget what exactly the correct term for this is, but I have a sort of defeatist mentality, where it is very easy for me to give up on something if it does not go as planned one or two times. After exerting so much effort just to see failure after failure, the level of disappointment and depression that I feel afterwards is just too much to handle, and I give up, because I do not want to experience that pain again. It just seems like a hopeless lose-lose situation for me, probably because it is, but I just don't know what to do about it.
I completely understand what you're experiencing it, I've been through it myself and still do. I think a big part of the suffering is the way we judge ourselves as a result of things not going to plan- if people don't talk to us we blame ourselves and think there's something wrong with us. It's ultimately adding another layer of suffering that we don't need, although of course that's easier said than done. I suppose some work on the defeatist mentality you describe would be useful long term- because it's ultimately you inflating an experience in your mind to be more catastrophic than it actually is, it's just our minds playing with us. The reality is that many people choose not to talk to many people, including us, it's just that our personal experiences stand out more becos they take such a toll on our confidence.
 
PerpetuallyStuck

PerpetuallyStuck

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
May 20, 2020
Messages
546
Location
England
I have regular dreams of school days and people there. While it was stressful times, I miss some things about it...

I was a bit more outgoing then though as I regretted being so scared in high school and grade school.
I think about my past a lot. It was strange to have people coming up to me, even people I hardly knew, saying hello, inviting me to social events. Wanting to know me, wanting to be friends. It was too stressful. I felt that I had to fit in with different social groups, and was drifting all over the place. In the end, I chose not to go to any events. I could have gone to plenty, but I felt out of my depth. It felt like what they saw in me, and what I actually was is two different things. Like I was some sort of fraud who didn't deserve their attention.

There is always the "what if I was friends with that person" or "If I went out to those places, would I have suffered with this anxiety". It is part of people's development, growing up, getting up to no good. I was always fearful and stayed out of trouble, always analysing situations and trying not to make a fool of myself. I was good at getting interest, but I just could not bring myself to get out and about. It felt like I was about to be dropped off in some remote part of the world without a map. Totally lost and full of worry. Just thinking about it makes me feel uneasy. I'd like to have a life, but socialising is too full on!
 
J

JustinS1998

Active member
Joined
Jun 8, 2020
Messages
29
Location
Pennsylvania
I completely understand what you're experiencing it, I've been through it myself and still do. I think a big part of the suffering is the way we judge ourselves as a result of things not going to plan- if people don't talk to us we blame ourselves and think there's something wrong with us. It's ultimately adding another layer of suffering that we don't need, although of course that's easier said than done. I suppose some work on the defeatist mentality you describe would be useful long term- because it's ultimately you inflating an experience in your mind to be more catastrophic than it actually is, it's just our minds playing with us. The reality is that many people choose not to talk to many people, including us, it's just that our personal experiences stand out more becos they take such a toll on our confidence.
That is true, I like the little bit you said in the end about confidence. My self-esteem has always been low and I have always hated who I am, and my personal experiences only add to that unfortunately. I suppose it is just my mind inflating experiences, however I don't really know what to do about that unfortunately. It just seems like I have no place in this world, like I don't belong in any sort of group or anything like that. I appreciate your kind words tho :)
 
AnxiousE

AnxiousE

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 8, 2020
Messages
3,181
Location
USA
I think about my past a lot. It was strange to have people coming up to me, even people I hardly knew, saying hello, inviting me to social events. Wanting to know me, wanting to be friends. It was too stressful. I felt that I had to fit in with different social groups, and was drifting all over the place. In the end, I chose not to go to any events. I could have gone to plenty, but I felt out of my depth. It felt like what they saw in me, and what I actually was is two different things. Like I was some sort of fraud who didn't deserve their attention.

There is always the "what if I was friends with that person" or "If I went out to those places, would I have suffered with this anxiety". It is part of people's development, growing up, getting up to no good. I was always fearful and stayed out of trouble, always analysing situations and trying not to make a fool of myself. I was good at getting interest, but I just could not bring myself to get out and about. It felt like I was about to be dropped off in some remote part of the world without a map. Totally lost and full of worry. Just thinking about it makes me feel uneasy. I'd like to have a life, but socialising is too full on!
Wow! How ironic! I would have loved to have attention like that. I was pretty much invisible to most. I mean, the sports crowd knew me but picked on me, the smart folks in my class happened to also be the part of the popular crowd as well as jocks-they didn't necessarily pick on me but they ignored me mostly. I so badly wanted to be in their world. I was a little bit in the beginning, but not full on or did anything much outside of school. (Ok, this is high school I'm thinking about right now, but I didn't get much invites in Uni either). I mean, I had some friends, a bit of a crowd in Uni, but even most of those dissolved...actually, all did. But I met my husband and thought I'd be ok. Guess I do miss talking to people though. It's why I'm here now On the forum. Eh hem. :)
 
AnxiousE

AnxiousE

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 8, 2020
Messages
3,181
Location
USA
Thanks for the reply. I feel like it is kind of a luck game, unfortunately I just have not been lucky enough with being successful in the social world. It just seems like there is some unknown force at play, something supernatural or otherworldly, something that I have no control over, that says that I will just continue to get unlucky. This is not provable obviously, but it just seems like this is the way it is to me.
You know, I have some more thoughts on this (I'm not giving up on you! ;) ) I just, I also believe that there is some sort of force driving things, yet at the same time, I feel that we create our own "luck" too. Like, if things aren't working for you where you are, it might mean it's time to move. I do recognize that this is certainly no easy task and can be very stressful...and I'm not even saying im a good example of it necessarily. But, I still feel like you can make changes for yourself and your environment. And again, I also think being here is a good start. (Honestly) I am personally facing some major life changing considerations. I don't know that I really want the alternative though, so I'm trying to see what small changes can be made and to also appreciate the already small good things I have. There has to be something in your life that brings you some happiness, I would hope. I mean, you mention music. I think that is a great conversation topic. I'll even elaborate further (may be more for my own benefit, but if it helps you too, fantastic!). I used to be terrified of any kind of public speaking. But I found that if I knew a subject matter well enough, talking about it became a bit more natural. I was so focused on my interest that all the other worries seemed to melt away. I mean, it does help having an audience that appreciates the subject, but that's my point. Try to find those people who share that! Change your environment. And forums can be great for that...or maybe you can join a club or take a class or private music lessons. Yea? Just brainstorming here with ya! :)
 
J

JustinS1998

Active member
Joined
Jun 8, 2020
Messages
29
Location
Pennsylvania
You know, I have some more thoughts on this (I'm not giving up on you! ;) ) I just, I also believe that there is some sort of force driving things, yet at the same time, I feel that we create our own "luck" too. Like, if things aren't working for you where you are, it might mean it's time to move. I do recognize that this is certainly no easy task and can be very stressful...and I'm not even saying im a good example of it necessarily. But, I still feel like you can make changes for yourself and your environment. And again, I also think being here is a good start. (Honestly) I am personally facing some major life changing considerations. I don't know that I really want the alternative though, so I'm trying to see what small changes can be made and to also appreciate the already small good things I have. There has to be something in your life that brings you some happiness, I would hope. I mean, you mention music. I think that is a great conversation topic. I'll even elaborate further (may be more for my own benefit, but if it helps you too, fantastic!). I used to be terrified of any kind of public speaking. But I found that if I knew a subject matter well enough, talking about it became a bit more natural. I was so focused on my interest that all the other worries seemed to melt away. I mean, it does help having an audience that appreciates the subject, but that's my point. Try to find those people who share that! Change your environment. And forums can be great for that...or maybe you can join a club or take a class or private music lessons. Yea? Just brainstorming here with ya! :)
All of this is good and well, the question to me though it is it really worth it? Is all of the effort and the disappointment and the stress ... REALLY worth it? After having so many failures I just decided its not ... simply put. It is just simply not worth it ... and I don't know how to change my mentality on that.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,151
Social circles are all about mixing with the right people. We are best when we mix with people who either share our values, or our interests, or better still both. If you write down the values you live your life by, this will give you a insight into the sort of person you are, your worth, and what you have to offer to others (especially the opposite sex). Next make a list of what inspires you, motivates you and interests you. This is where your passion lies, and communicating them should hopefully be reasonable easy. You may have plenty to offer on those subjects, or you may have many questions to ask to build on your knowledge base, or a mixture of the two. Now set about looking on-line where you can find and socialise with these groups of people...
 
J

JustinS1998

Active member
Joined
Jun 8, 2020
Messages
29
Location
Pennsylvania
Social circles are all about mixing with the right people. We are best when we mix with people who either share our values, or our interests, or better still both. If you write down the values you live your life by, this will give you a insight into the sort of person you are, your worth, and what you have to offer to others (especially the opposite sex). Next make a list of what inspires you, motivates you and interests you. This is where your passion lies, and communicating them should hopefully be reasonable easy. You may have plenty to offer on those subjects, or you may have many questions to ask to build on your knowledge base, or a mixture of the two. Now set about looking on-line where you can find and socialise with these groups of people...
Well then I guess I am starting in the right place by being on this forum XD. Thank you for the advice tho.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,151
As the saying goes, it's good to talk :)
 
AnxiousE

AnxiousE

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 8, 2020
Messages
3,181
Location
USA
All of this is good and well, the question to me though it is it really worth it? Is all of the effort and the disappointment and the stress ... REALLY worth it? After having so many failures I just decided its not ... simply put. It is just simply not worth it ... and I don't know how to change my mentality on that.
And I'm trying to say I think it is! I mean just one meaningful relationship can change your whole perspective! I know it is hard to see it now though.
 
J

JustinS1998

Active member
Joined
Jun 8, 2020
Messages
29
Location
Pennsylvania
And I'm trying to say I think it is! I mean just one meaningful relationship can change your whole perspective! I know it is hard to see it now though.
Yeah true, it is hard to see. Well I believe you, thanks for the advice anyways tho.
 
MiracleMan83

MiracleMan83

Active member
Joined
May 19, 2020
Messages
35
Location
Fairfax, VA USA
I wanted to pose the question: Is it better to keep trying to fit in and be social no matter how many times you fail, or is it better to just not worry about social settings and just put effort into a certain career/hobby/project (music for me)?
My advice to you is to keep putting effort into your music hobby. It is something that you enjoy doing and will keep bringing you joy and happiness in life. I'm a hermit with no social life, because the outside world and social interaction just gives me a splitting headache. I am a cinema aficionado and a comic nerd, so my hobbies are watching films and reading comics to keep me in a good state of mind.
 
J

JustinS1998

Active member
Joined
Jun 8, 2020
Messages
29
Location
Pennsylvania
It is so good to hear this ... I thought I was alone in thinking that maybe it is better to focus on the hobby. I thought I was the only one , turns out I'm not , which is very good to hear. Thanks for the input, and best of luck with your comics/films :)
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,151
There is unfortunately a trade off to not socialising... and that is generally life passes you by, unless you need time out to work through some issues. Time is precious, and personally I believe we were given our lives to grow, develop, learn and share. Hope this helps :)
 
Top