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Query related to depression

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AG

New member
Joined
Feb 14, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Uttarakhand
Hi everyone.
Today I'm going to share my story with you all.

When I was in my mom's womb, my mother never got proper meal, instead she was been tortured and beaten up , not only my father , but also my mom's and his family never respected her and my father used to beat hrr publicly so his family members. She never got proper care, instead was blamed for eating which she never did . properly. I was born but wasn't safe been there .as my cousins molested me several times and we didn't have anyone to talk to as we were all alone and could not case on them as money was an issue. My mom worked in a semi govt school, Private schools where also she had to listen to lot of negative words for her as she didn't have any option and many times she was rejected and times were hard...going empty stomach, coming empty stomach... taking tuition after school... prepping meal for family, Washing clothes, cleaning the drained pipes chocked due to tobacco' chewed by my father... cleaning the dirty toilets to the water flowing out if chocked pipes and consumed tobacco spreaded all over the floor.. washing so many clothes till late night in winters... staying up late night and waking up early ... getting money for my father from her parents and getting beaten up if not given food on time and keeping lights off for my father to sleep and father giving nothing at home. This is how I lived and never made friends at school and stayed all alone..was being bullied many times by the teacher and my classmates...tried staying in hostel when I decided to do B.Tech( which I did forcibly by making an excuse or blackmailing my mom of committing suicide and I did opt for PCM in class 12th by the same tantrum). I was being insulted by warden of the hostel for not saying "Ma'am" to my seniors and not wishing them. As it was big thing if I'm not doing that it means my parents didn't teach me good sankaar.
This was the case, I stayed in hostel for an year but staying all the time in a room and with no interaction left me with no hope to stay for rest three years in.the same cage. So I made up a decision to stay in the paying guest , there again my anxiety made me to change three paying guest Houses within fee months only and I came back to home with all my belongings and decided to commute from home to hostel as the college where I did my engineering was just 1 hr away. After I did my engineering I got offers but didn't have the courage to go out as my. Experience so far was worst. I decided to stay at home and prepare for some bank exams with low confidence and no desire of what I aspire for. I did teaching but challenging environment couldn't allow me to continue for more than a month. I changed and changed and only one place I completed an year and there too my work wasn't appreciated and I made mistakes too that's why my coordinator used to insult me every other day that sweepers knew and they used to say on my face that don't do this otherwise ma'am will shout at you..(my coordinator used to say me mentally disturbed and much more openly).
I did at one more place but due to cleanliness issue and no more will to work I left it after hardly 5 months..now from last year of September till now I'm at home with rarest interaction with people.. I'm so frustrated everyday that I don't want to work...many times in tension I don't eat food for two days or three days maximum.. I commit many mistakes...I don't apply my mind and I'm writing everything today and didn't have anything since morning and I am not feeling hungry either...I am very alone . Very scared...I don't have the courage to suicide because my mom will have to hear many things as she is suffering from.thryoid. sugar, bp, stone and knee pain.. she's still suffering from.tensions and I'm adding up more tensions by being alive. I'm not helping myself and I have booked up a slot in Vipassana for 4th March to 15th march in Dhamma Lakkhana, Lucknow.. I hope there will be some changes..I hate myself and I am.not even trying to find the conveyance to reach the center.due to low confidence and that's why again my brother is getting angry on me and he's not allowing me to go ..because I don't see my safety.. I'm really lethargic and no concern for my family
.my mom.was hungry and I didn't prepare her food too... I'm really mean I need to die..pls help me anyone..pls help me.. I'm getting weak (mentally and physically both). What do I do?
 
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Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
581
Location
London, ON
You need to talk to a professional, somebody who can help you sort these things out and begin to deal with them.

In my opinion, at the least, you sound very depressed. There are some small things you can do to help you start to feel better.

Make certain you eat properly. Not eating makes us anxious, tired, and apathetic, just like depression does. They combine, the feelings pile up on each other and crush us. So, to remove part of the problem, eat. You'll have more energy, your thinking will be clearer, and you'll be a bit better prepared to face life.

Get enough sleep, but not too much. Again - you want to avoid making yourself more tired and apathetic.

this next thing is important - do some stuff, every day. Get up, eat, shower or wash up, get dressed. Make your bed, and maybe clean up the kitchen. Being active helps push the depression back. Being clean and dressed improves your self image a little. Doing a few small chores gives you a feeling of accomplishment. It gives you something concrete to look at and say "I did this. I'm not useless".

Trust me, it helps. Just try these small things out, for a few days. And get a plan for how to get to the center together. Let yourself accomplish stuff.

Just give it a chance, as a favour to me, ok?
 
A

AG

New member
Joined
Feb 14, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Uttarakhand
These little tasks I do on the daily basis , but these won't help me much and I won't praise myself.. I hate myself and I'm very restless from morning.
 
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EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
2,546
Location
USA
I don’t think you’re mean or bad or worthless. I think you’re depressed though which you need help with.

You’re an engineer? That’s really cool, kudos to you for going to college and all. I always thought the engineers at school were so smart!
 
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Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
581
Location
London, ON
These little tasks I do on the daily basis , but these won't help me much and I won't praise myself.. I hate myself and I'm very restless from morning.
they helped me a bit.

It's important you give yourself credit for what you accomplish, no matter how little. If you forget to be proud of yourself for little things, the big jobs won't make you feel better, either.

You need to start to like yourself. I know, it's a hard job. I don't really like myself much, either, but I pretend to a lot.
 
LadyDomino

LadyDomino

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Joined
May 7, 2019
Messages
237
Location
Dorset
Little steps can help help with depression, every time we are busy is one less second we have for thinking.

Also relaxation techniques, like meditation and mindfullness can help.
 
A

AG

New member
Joined
Feb 14, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Uttarakhand
I really feel thankful of you all and. I don't know sometimes I'm fine and sometimes I get so stressed that it's really hard for me to handle myself
 
A

AG

New member
Joined
Feb 14, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Uttarakhand
I did meditate and I felt better. I booked a slot for Vipassana and thinking of how I would go , but noy getting any solution on how I'll manage to go to the center as I don't have confidence to book train for the same. I'm somewhere thinking of cancelling the slot as I'm unable to find the conveyance like train to reach there.
 
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Nukelavee

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Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
581
Location
London, ON
Why is booking the train such an issue? What are the parts of it that make it hard?

Try to write down a plan. Organize it for yourself, so you can see all the steps. It might make it seem less difficult. You've got some time to get this done, so you can try to work it out a few times as practice.

Ignore the thoughts that say you can't.
 
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EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
2,546
Location
USA
You can do it! I’d be terrified to figure out public transportation too but maybe you can find someone who’s kind and can help you on the way.
 
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Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
581
Location
London, ON
I'm teh same, I triple check my times and get ready well in advance, and still worry.

How about this - list all the reasons booking the train is proving to be an issue.
 
LadyDomino

LadyDomino

Well-known member
Joined
May 7, 2019
Messages
237
Location
Dorset
I find I can't get on public transport on my own - I get too angry with other passengers - its safer for all concerned if I am either accompnied or I don't use public transport.
 
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