Putting the weight of my happiness on someone

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Batsu

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Nov 29, 2015
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#1
Hi guys thank you very much for taking the time to read! :D

I'm a 28 years old guy from France, who has lived in Taiwan and now in Japan for the last three years. I've had a real blast but recently few things happened: most of my friends went back to their countries, my work isn't bringing me any challenge nor pleasure anymore. I'm unable to think what I should do next professionally and personally… I feel I've done everything I wanted to do in my 20's and I am now left with nothing really giving me joy or excitement. No passion in anything left whatsoever.

I've also met a girl from France (in Japan), we were friends the first few weeks then became a couple. Since my friends left, she was the only person I was hanging out with. Now our relationship is great, we do have a lot of fun and I basically do nothing except working and waiting for our next date. Of course she has no idea about my troubles and she sees me as a confident, outgoing and challenging person. We do meet around twice a week. Unfortunately she is supposed to go back to France next April. She is also unsure about what to do, she feels the need to live with her family and friends but also has interest in staying in Japan if she could get something that made her "feel useful" she said (eg a career). We didn't really talk about it since I don't want to put pressure on her (we've been a couple for only few weeks) but it's killing me not being sure about her agenda. She seems really ready to leave but would also gladly stay if she had the chance.

Now I know I'm having really unhealthy thoughts: putting all the weight of my happiness on another person, but being in a relationship with a girl I like (being picky I find one I like only every 2/3 years) really fills a huge void… (again she has no idea about all this)

Are there any advices or materials that could help me get through this?
Thank you very much for your help! :)
Bats
 
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M

MarlieeB

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#2
:welcome: to the forum

It is such a hard decision for anyone whether to move back home or stay somewhere thousands of miles away and I understand the pain of not knowing and having such a great attraction but you do need to be patient while she decides.

Have you thought, just in case she does go home of going back yourself as well?

Also how long has this relationship been going on?

Marliee x
 
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Batsu

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#3
Hi MarlieeB and thank you so much for the wise advice :)

You're absolutely right, I think bringing up the subject to her would make her feel even more pressured. Won't do any good. I'd better wait for her to initiate it. I just hope I'll be included in the discussion and she won't just announce her decision to leave.

Going back home would be difficult for me... I'd need a year or two in Japan before even thinking of going back. But even so, I can't really see my future back home...

We've known each other since last April and started to get intimate last October. She's the one who confessed her feelings towards me, also to note she's 26 but I am her first boyfriend (she is really shy and never was in a relationship before). By the time she leaves (or not) in April, it'll be 6-7 months.

Lately she has brought the subject a lot ("I'm leaving soon" "There are only few months left") but she also told me "I like Japan a lot" or "I'd stay if I had a job here and could feel useful" without hesitation when asked. Is there any possibility that she is testing me? Could it be a way for her to bring up the topic about us? All these contradictions in her statements... that's what is driving me crazy! :dance:

Thank you for reading what appears to be more of a rant :p
 
D

Decaf

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Dec 4, 2015
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#4
Yes she is definitely hinting! Don't ignore her hints or she may think she has no hope with you... but stay cool, not desperate of course. If she stays she'll be dependent on you as you are on her now friend wise. Is it possible for you both to find some more couples to hang out with? hth
 
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Batsu

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Nov 29, 2015
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#5
Thank you Decaf for the advice. Recently she has texted me a lot and seems to really like me. She told me she'd like to start looking for a job in Japan from January or in an english speaking country (I didn't like this part but didn't say anything). She has a few friends, I have mine and we hang out all together sometimes. We will see how things are, I made it clear that I'd be happy to have her around but didn't get too clingy or desperate.
 
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Decaf

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Dec 4, 2015
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#6
I think it would be fine to tell her you like the idea of her finding a job in Japan. Are you not sure of your own feelings and afraid to lead her on? Seems a nice thing to say, not desperate. :p I understand your fear of scaring her away but girls are insecure too. Maybe surprise her with a cute little gift or drawing next time you go out.
 
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Batsu

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Nov 29, 2015
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#7
Thanks a lot Decaf! Yes I need to find that middle ground between being a challenge and being too open. But yeah, I always get her a little something once a month or so to surprise her. She reacts very positively to it.
I thought I'd support her to find a job in Tokyo by getting her this book they sell at embassies listing all the French companies in Japan. I like actions and showing support over words, it might get things done too!
 
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Batsu

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Nov 29, 2015
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#10
Thanks again Decaf!
JaminaCaranda, here is a hug you seem to need one. We are all lucky here to live in a first world country, hence the first world problems. Doesn't mean we can't ask for advices, does it? :)
 
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