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Pure O OCD help

M

midnightpanda

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Nov 4, 2014
Messages
19
Hi all. Im new here and although i know i need an official diagnosis from a doctor I believe very strongly I may suffer from Pure O OCD.
To be quite honest, up until a few days ago I didnt even realize I may suffer from such a thing. Although my thoughts can be disturbing from time to time and can consume a lot of my time I guess I never thought that something may be wrong with me in that aspect.
I have been diagnosed with various mental illnesses since age 12 but never follow through with treatment or medication. And i dont believe in many of my past diagnoses as i always had trouble being totally truthful and open with my doctors. Ive been diagnosed with depression, schizoaffective disorder, social anxiety, general anxiety, bipolar....amd mind you each diagnosis is from a different doctor and given years apart from eachother. But on to the pure o, i suppose. I just want an opinion from fellow sufferers. Maybe this is the final diagnosis that will put me at ease!
After reading the symptoms i decided to think back on my life over the last few years. To where i think it began. I know this sounds awful but maybe it was self inflicted from use of hallucinogens? After a lot of LSD use my mind changed one night. Almost as if a switch was turned on in my brain. The crazy switch i'll call it. I began having paranoid and delusional thoughts (people could read my mind, tv was sending me messages, everyone knew what i did at every moment and was watching me all the time) this offered up the diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. A whole different host of problems never went addressed with my doctor. Sometimes i would worry i might harm myself. I worried id done something wrong and didnt remember. I was scared i would just break from reality. Go totally insane. Hurt someone. Would worry i already had totally broken off from reality. I think this was the begining of the ocd type thoughts.
The delusional and paranoid thoughts faded after a while. 2 years of sufferingand it just faded into almost nothing. At this point I got pregnant. After i had my daughter i think the ocd type thoughts got worse. I worried i would hurt my baby. Which made me question myself...why would i have such a thought unless i want to...do i secretly want to? Will i snap one day and smother her? Or shake her? Throw her? Drown her? What would stop me? What if this is how it started for the women who you see in the news that really do harm their kids. Which turned into self loathing and feeling i didnt deserve her. I worried a few times what if someone thinks when i wash her at bathtime im touching her inappropriately? And they think im a pedo. What if i have already done something and dont remember? I was disgusted by this thought. Why would i think such a thing unless i secretly want to? Id obsess over thoughts like this. Sometimes google search for hours to put my mind at ease. Now that two years has passed i rarely ever have such a thought. But i feel this little ocd demon migjt still be in there hiding out in a more mild less noticable manner.
Ive realized over the last two years i always have something im constantly obsessing over. Something i spend hours a day mulling over in my mind. Spend countless precious hours i could be doing something productive google searching nonsense to either prove or disprove myself.
My thoughts bounce around once i feel like ive thought enough or researched enough to satisfy myself or until somehow i find myself wrapped up in something else. Over the last two years ive been convinced i have endometriosis, cancer of the ovaries, ovarian cysts, DVT, Gallbladder disease, lung cancer, peripheral artery disease, you name it. Ive imaginarily had it. I express my concerns to my fiance to see if he agrees that i may be dying of some awful illness and he always tells me im being crazy. Which now that i think about it i am. If im not currently caught up in my health i focus on other things. I thought for a while i maybe have special intuitive powers. I obessively reaearched it. Thought i experienced kundalini ...obsessively thought about and researched it. Went over every detail of my life and experiences that might be a clue to proving that i do. I constantly mull over things like this in my mind. Constantly searching in my head for the aha moment. "Ive discovered the secret to life! Infinite wisdom is mine!"....when things like this fade i find myself obsessing over my body. Theres something wrong with x, y, z. Think about it non stop. Talk about it to other people. "Are my eyes crooked?" , "can you see this awful wrinkles?". Ill research natural remedies for EVERY possible flaw i see on myself. Then my focus will shift to something like my relationship. "I think he doesnt love me. Or i dont love him. Do i know what real love is? Am i even capable of loving another person? What if im not. What if im just an ugly person incapable of love. Ill be convinced hes cheating. Convinced he thinks im ugly. Look disgusting naked. I pick apart everything he says. Analyze it. He says i only hear what i want and turn it into a negative. Ill obsessively check his phone. Internet history. Ask him a million questions.
I once dated a guy who had sex with a dog. Which i find repulsive. But sometimes ill be petting my cat or dog and worry ill do something like that. What if i did? What if i have? What if i loose my mind in this exact moment and do it? Im an awful person for even thinking such things.
I like crime shows. I often worry why i like them so much? I worry im a serial killer in the making. Maybe one day ill lose it and kill people? Am i capable? Why would i think about that.
Sometimes im worried i lost control over my facial muscles and im making weird faces and dont realize it. I worry ill say something outloud i shouldnt and wont realize it. Or that i have. I worry people are mad at me for something i did and maybe i dont remember doing it.
These are the types of things that plague me. I have a thought. I ruminate over it in my mind for hours and days. I seem to spend copius amounts of time researching things online to prove or disprove my thought. Sometimes in situations where i feel there will be no judgement or hurt feelings (namely with relationship fears or body image issues) ill talk about it a lot.
Im just now realizing i never have some worry or fear im obsessing over. Something taking up all of my mental space til i move on to the next thing. My current worry is obviously this.
What if i do have it? Explains a lot. What if i dont? What if im just totally insane. What if theres a bigger issue? What if im making all of this up after reading the symptoms and im so crazy i dont even realize i make everything up? I think im headed for a complete break from reality..
Sorry for the length. I dont know how to be brief. Sorry forbthe spelling errors as i used my not so smart phone to type it out and its been a pain considering i have fat fingers and hit the wrong buttons. Anyhow, advice from pure o suffers is appreciated in advance. As well as from anyone else. Complete honesty is always nice. Am i nuts? Just have general anxiety or is this something more?
 
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V

volnash

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Joined
Oct 16, 2014
Messages
566
You seem like you have alot on your plate, i dont think you are a serial killer in the making because you are conscious about this not being good, you are seeking help for it and you question it as something that is not natural, this is a good sign.

I also get worried that sometimes i make a face, because it feels like my facial muscles are twitching at times, maybe you have this too.

Never mess with LSD again, that drug destroys minds i knew someone in the hospital who had used alot of LSD he was still tripping, the thing is you can get a so called bad trip and never land.

May i ask you, why do you not follow through with medication and treatment? do you not like the side effects of medicine, or do you have other reasons?

Also if you have had some issues since you were 12, surely you have a doctor already he/she can do a much better job of answering your OCD questions, i have just answered what i have knowledge to talk about, which is not OCD as i know little about it.

It seems to me like you have a healthy mind, you are certainly not idle in your thinking.

The rest of your issues i believe stems from your insecurities, and these can be adressed through therapy and positive reinforcing in your life, here is something ive pasted from another site.

Doing something new or challenging can awaken a fault-finding voice within you, which has the power to reduce motivation, increase nervousness, or stop you from even trying.

If you ever feel forced to give up in order to silence that inner voice, try these steps from life coach Mhairi Gordon-Preston, and stop your inner critic from holding you back:

Write down five of your self-critical thoughts, and choose one that’s particularly holding you back at the moment.
Now turn your chosen thought on its head into a positive statement, or affirmation, eg ‘I’m not experienced enough to get that promotion’, turns into ‘I am experienced in the skills they’re looking for’. Start with ‘I am’, make your statement in the present, and make it positive.
Write down your affirmation, and repeat it out loud into a mirror at the same time every morning and evening.
Make this part of your daily routine. Your affirmation might feel untrue at first, but that will change over time as you repeat it consistently. Say it daily for at least two months, or until you believe it when you’re having a bad day or going through a difficult time.
It takes guts to face your inner demons. Once your first belief has shifted, come back to this exercise to get rid of you other self criticisms.
 
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M

midnightpanda

Member
Joined
Nov 4, 2014
Messages
19
Um, im not sure. I often convince myself im totally sane and my thoughts are just like everyone else's. And i think everyone is just afraid to admit it. Those of us that do admit it are labeled as abnormal. Ha. Totally ridiculous but this seems to be the way i talk myself out of it everytime. I also dont have the best support system. When i was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder my mother continually told me there was nothing wrong with me. That in a nut shell i was making it up and had allowed my boyfriend at the time to convince me i was nuts. . . She suffers from something undiagnosed herself but she definitley is not 'sane' or 'normal' so i probably shouldnt listen to her. I also dislike the side effects. Theyve all totally stripped me of sexual desires. Ability to orgasm. Etc. Which destroys relationships just as much as my insanity. I also simply dont want to be medicated. I feel like i shouldnt fear who i am and cover it up. I want to resolve it. Face it. I want to know what im up against and learn to pinpoint it when it happens and correct it myself. Which could be done through therapy iguess but i have state insurance and the only offices around here are jam packed with too many patients on welfare insurance and seem to want you in and out as quick as possible. So ive been discouraged to even attempt therapy sessions as i biasly think theyll behave like the psych doctors who do the in and out diagnosing and Rx writing in the blink of an eye.
 
V

volnash

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Oct 16, 2014
Messages
566
I agree with you, tackling your problems head on i see as the better solution aswell, but i dont hate on medication because there is definetely a time and place for them, though in my opinion it should be the non-permanent solution and therapy and other things should be the primary treatment in alot more cases.

I guess your mother either didnt understand, or wanted to deny the fact that you may have had some problems in order to make herself feel better, this however is just a theory as my mother has done this.

It's bad that the medicine strips you of the ability to orgasm, that is very very severe and never have i (thankfully) experienced that, i have experienced problems to get it up though, on different medication then i have at the moment.

All psych doctors are not rotten apples, i will agree however also in (my own experience) most of them so far have been rotten, or atleast too medicine-biased and unprofessional, however now i have met an angel of a psychiatrist who is helping me tons and she has even left the medicine charge in my hands, which means i can get off if i want i will do that when i am ready to tackle everything that i have put a lid on for a long time, this will happen eventually.

It's bad that you cannot get good access to a doctor, i guess you are from america?.

And by the way you are not insane, even with all those diagnoses you could have had 50 more and still be what i consider sane, i can see in your writing and i detect a high amount of intelligence in you both socially and intellectually.

Though, i dont know which one you are more prone to.
 
D

Dissatisfied

Guest
I worried i would hurt my baby. Which made me question myself...why would i have such a thought unless i want to...do i secretly want to? Will i snap one day and smother her? Or shake her? Throw her? Drown her? What would stop me? What if this is how it started for the women who you see in the news that really do harm their kids. Which turned into self loathing and feeling i didnt deserve her. I worried a few times what if someone thinks when i wash her at bathtime im touching her inappropriately? And they think im a pedo. What if i have already done something and dont remember? I was disgusted by this thought. Why would i think such a thing unless i secretly want to? Id obsess over thoughts like this. Sometimes google search for hours to put my mind at ease. Now that two years has passed i rarely ever have such a thought.
I don;t have kids, so I don't fully understand - but I have a rabbit who I adore, but now and again I get a vision of him being eaten up by a fox, or even worse, I sometimes visualise him in a cooking pan, and it's me cooking him.

Does this mean I want to kill him, I don't think it does, I think it's related to my fear of him getting killed, I've had a rabbit get killed by a fox before, and I still get upset about it now - it's fear driving the visions I feel.

Someone else said she saw someone looking over a bridge, not a jumper, just a tourist looking over a beautiful river, anyway she was horrified with herself when she visialised pushing him over, she didn't though - but then she realised, because she had a close family member who had moments of feeling suicidal, that it was fear.

Perhaps the OCD got worse when your child was born, anxious to be a perfect mother, and this has increased your fear, I don't think that's a good thing because obviously it made you feel unwell, but you don't come across as an abuser - I think these feelings, these fearful feelings could be more prominent in people who have had shitty childhood's, it's that fear of doing the same, but there is a huge difference between someone who wants to abuse and someone who is anxious about wanting to raise their children, fearful of any harm done to their children.

I think your fear is based around not wanting your child to suffer, and that's not an abuser, that is a loving parent, that wants their child to be safe.
 
M

midnightpanda

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Nov 4, 2014
Messages
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Thank you. Its nice to not feel judged. Ive never discussed most of this with anyone. Fearful CYS would swoop in and take my kid. Scared my fiance would leave and take the little one with him. youre right...i absolutley do worry about being a perfect mommy and stress constantly about doing it right. Fearful of doing something wrong. Or harm coming to her. Or royally screwing her head up. I think in a sense youre right. My parents tried to do right by me but managed to screw me up in ways ive jist started to come to understand. Specifically my mother.*and my childhood was, so put it simply like you said....pretty shitty. *i am just afraid of doing the same to my kid. Fear sucks, but its nice to get a sense of how it can lead to many of my irrational thoughts and worries. Thank you for your response and kindness.
 
M

midnightpanda

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Joined
Nov 4, 2014
Messages
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Ill try to not hate on meds so much. :) there is a time and a place, youre absolutley right. And i shouldnt say things that may influence people who are doing well with their meds to think about discontinuing use.
Your doctor sounds lovely. I hope to one day have a doctor whom i feel i can build a rapport with and feel comfortable. Yes...i am from america. Haha.
If i may ask, what are you diagnosed with? As you seem completely sane to me as well. Ha.
I appreciate you thinking i seem sane. In writing i sound like it i suppose. In person i act irrationally, suffer from weird emotional outburts and cry over everything, socially awkward and am severly lacking in close social bonds. Funny how the internet can allow us tocalmly and collectively present ourselves in the manner we'd love to be able to do in person. At least thats how it is for me. Much preferred to real life.
 
V

volnash

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Oct 16, 2014
Messages
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By social intelligence i meant that i think you can easily relate to people's feelings and read others well that is my definition:) i dont mean however that you have to be social to have it^^ i see your point though, i believe i am right about this.

Well i was diagnosed with schizophrenia, but they took it away quite recently and now my current diagnoses is ADHD which is whatever to me, i dont medicate it and its from childhood and of course my main issue PTSD which is called PTSD but basically its just things i havent resolved i dont know what to call it but the doctors had a name for that too.

I do get emotional outbursts too, but they are rather one sided how are yours then? is it angry sad mellow happy etc? does it go in waves, and is there even a happy there? i hope you will get the courage and inspiration to be the person you are here in real life, as i believe that your soul gets displayed much easier when you write from the inside, some will argue that we even have a soul, but that is another discussion for another place.

And well i guess you cant afford a doctor or? you should have a doc as you have these diagnoses.
 
M

midnightpanda

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Wow, schizo to adhd. Seems like a hard thing to be told you have, learn to cope with and try to understand, just to have that ripped out from under you and be told pretty much "just kidding, we f*cked up, you arent THAT crazy". What the heck?
My emotional outburts are generally sadness...i cry over the smallest thing. I cant control it and its embarrassing. My fiance has gone as far as to say i make people not want to be around us everytime we go out because i make everything uncomfortable. Which im sure i do. Who wants to be around the girl who is crying in a crowd while simultaneously trying to make a joke of it, carrying on an unrelated topic of conversation and laughing. . . While tears are just running down my cheeks. I get mad a lot too. Which alsomakes me cry. If someone is saying or doing something i find morally wrong or i see some flaw in their thinking or how theyre treating someone im overwhelmed. Sometimes i have trouble biting my tongue and not speaking up. I ruin a lot of friendships and relationships over not being able to allow people to act as they choos even when the situation doesnt involve me at all. I tend to go into a rage defending someone i hardly know to someone i know well and cherish. Its odd. I just get sooo mad.
As for happy...i think im happy sometimes. Rare moments. But wheb i do its strong happiness. Most of the time i feel as though i just am. Not one way or another. Just existing waiting to be flooded with the next fleeting wave of overwhelming sadness, anger, or elation.

And no, i currently do not have a doctor. Ive moved a lot and thus have had many doctors over the years. Last time i saw a psychiatrist was well over 4 years ago in another area i was living. I never bothered to gea new one last time i moved. Like you said though...i should have one. Ill work on building up the courage to throw myself back into the world of psychiatric care to resolve my inner demons. . . Eventually. Haha
 
V

volnash

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Oct 16, 2014
Messages
566
Sorry, have edited here take care will post a thread and good luck, im too tired to be more helpful tonight im affraid.
 
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C

Chris81

Member
Joined
Nov 5, 2014
Messages
6
Hey!

Sorry to hear about the OCD. I have pure O myself and recently tried 5-htp which helped a lot. That in combination with physical activity 2 hours per day makes my brain go into a nice tired, less obsessive, state.

Send me a PM if you need someone to talk to.

Chris

C
 
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