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Pure-O OCD... Harm Obsession / Bad Intrusive Thoughts

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murrrr

New member
Joined
May 8, 2015
Messages
2
Hey Everyone,

So I decided to share my story and problems I've been facing with Pure-Obsessional OCD. I have come to the point where I don't know where else to turn or what to do. Any help, tips, or insights you could give me would be greatly appreciated.


Since November 2014, I suddenly began developing bad thought and harm obsessions. It started out as just one anxiety-provoked thought and snowballed from there. I have gone from having severe anxiety attacks in the beginning since I had no idea what was going on and thought I was showing signs of schizophrenia or something even more severe, to having my obsessions shift around to bodily functions such as my heart rate which caused hyper-awareness of my heart beating, making it palpitate at times even. I have even had periods where I obsessed about a spot in my back that bothered me for a week straight. I recall constantly moving it and flexing it, it was as if I had restless leg syndrome in my back. It couldn't have been more bizarre. Those episodes have gone away, however, and my obsession issue seems to always find its way back to violence and death.

It has been incredibly frustrating for me. I am a gentle person who loves people and loves myself. So, the obsessions I have make no sense and are totally irrelevant from my life. I just don't know how to stop them, forget, and move on. My obsession has recently shifted from graphic mental images of harming others such as loved ones, which was already alarming and disturbing enough to me, to harming myself and the fear of suicide basically. It is the fear I will lose control of my own decisions and actions. I know this is irrational and i am not suicidal AT ALL, but this has pushed me to the breaking point. To the point where i have to get help and nip this in the bud. I constantly feel threatened by these thoughts and is significantly taking away from my life. No matter what self talk I give myself, how positive I am I toward the situation, or how distracted i am, my thoughts return and begin to spiral. :confused::low:

It is strange because I have never had OCD before or any variant of it. I have always had anxiety and I tended to over-analyze things, but never ever to this scale before. I used to know how to forget, how to feel inner-peace, and how to concentrate. Unfortunately, most of these things have been stripped from me. The good news, I guess, is I have only seen one psychologist for this and he was mostly anxiety oriented. He never diagnosed me with anything and honestly did not help me much. I am also on no medications other than some beta-blockers for my heart rate during anxiety provoking situations. I am hoping to eventually be prescribed something to help me with this. I have done a lot of my own research on medications for obsessive thoughts and have heard that Clomipramine (Anafranil) has worked for many people and has stopped bad thoughts all together..do any of you know about this medication or have tried it personally?

So that is mostly my whole situation. I hope the scope doesn't get any bigger. Any help you could give me would be amazing. The worst feeling is feeling alone.

Thank you!
 
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Maddog18

Member
Joined
Jul 22, 2015
Messages
13
I just want you to know that your not alone and we literally have the exact same fears. I too have never been diagnosed with OCD but I have been diagnosed with anxiety. It all started when I was maybe 10 years old and I was watching a movie with my mom and someone in the movie committed sucide and thats when I started to fear that I was gonna kill myself or hurt myself. It got better but it came back when I started high school and I would get extreme intrusive thoughts about killing myself. I would have to tell my mom to hide things from me because I was so scared I was gonna do something. 9th grade was so hard for me I couldn't go to school because my thoughts were out of control. I finally saw a doctor and they put me on 30mg of Prozac and I saw a therapist for a little bit and my thoughts went away and I had my life back. Im now 18 and I just graduated high school and I sadly have a new fear. I'm having intrusive thoughts about harming my loved ones. It got to the point where I threw away all the implements in the house. I will get these thoughts and images and I literally cry all day wanting them to go away. My doctor put me on 60 mg of Prozac now and my anxiety has gone down a lot but I still have the thoughts and it scares me that my anxiety level has gone down because to me that means I actually do want to act on my thoughts. I started having fears that I'm going crazy, or maybe I have schizophrenia. I always doubt myself. I always need reassurance, constantly looking up answers, and it sadly only lasts a short 10 min before I start worrying again and need reassurance. I know in my heart I would never hurt anyone I can't even kill a fly. If you ask anyone about me I know they would say nice and loving things about me. I have been reading the bible at night and Iv been talking to my mom about this. I just wish I could have my life back where I didn't have these scary thoughts that I think about 24/7. So I can enjoy my life again. I would never want anything bad to happen to my family or boyfriend and me having these thoughts are literally killing me. I always doubt my thoughts and my reassurance constantly and it just gives me even more anxiety. I feel like such a horrible person having these thoughts and feel like I'm going crazy!!! I don't have anyone to talk to about this that has been in this situation. I dont want to be a killer or a bad person. I just want my life back. Just know your not alone and I'm here if anyone needs to talk.
 
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M

murrrr

New member
Joined
May 8, 2015
Messages
2
Hey! Thank you for your reply! It makes me feel better knowing there's someone else out there with the same issues. I actually posted this in May, and things have changed since then. I am now on clomipramine 25MG capsules once per day. This medication had helped me so so much. My problems are nearly solved. I still deal with the thoughts sometimes, but they are less often and my anxiety is almost gone. I would highly recommend talking to your doctor about this medication, I think it will help you. It's kind of expensive however, but not too crazy. Also, I would love to talk to you more about how I've been dealing with my thoughts other than the meds. I think I could really help you.
 
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Maddog18

Member
Joined
Jul 22, 2015
Messages
13
I'm so glad that you are getting better and found a medication that has helped you :) I would love to talk to you more about this. I will definitely talk to my doctor about clomipramine!
 
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malky201

Member
Joined
Jul 24, 2015
Messages
14
The doctors haven't diagnosed me yet but I must be suffering from this condition, nothing else makes sense. I get horrific violent or sexual thoughts when I am sitting with close friends or family, and when I seem awkward how can I explain why? I'm a gentle guy, never a violent thought or weird sex stuff in my character, its ruining my life. The doc says I realise they are intrusive thoughts, so I'm not crazy, that's what my antipsychotic is meant to help, its only dulling it though
 
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Maddog18

Member
Joined
Jul 22, 2015
Messages
13
I'm really sorry that your having those kind of thoughts :( I haven't been diagnosed either but I do have an anxiety disorder. it seriously sucks. Just know your not alone. I have had violent thoughts for many years. I'm here if you want to talk.
 
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malky201

Member
Joined
Jul 24, 2015
Messages
14
Frustrating isn't it, have you ever had people ask you 'what's up' and you just can't say why? I couldn't even type out the thoughts, so horrific, and so not me. I said to the doc, its like there's someone pushing a button to make me think this! Sounds crazy, sorry
 
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Maddog18

Member
Joined
Jul 22, 2015
Messages
13
Yes I understand what you mean. I couldn't tell anyone about my thoughts. I thought everyone would think I'm crazy or no understand me. I finally told someone and it helped me so much. My fear before was killing myself. I don't have that fear anymore but my new fear now is killing my loved ones or Ill just be driving and I have thought of running someone over. It's horrible and I absolutely hate it. I still have a huge fear of certain implements and I literally threw them away. I hate the constant doubts and thoughts and I want my life back. I would never hurt anyone and I don't want too!
 
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Maddog18

Member
Joined
Jul 22, 2015
Messages
13
But I do agree it is like someone is pressing a button over and over again and you want it to stop.
 
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Apple1234

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Joined
May 21, 2016
Messages
1
I have harm ocd in many different forms and made the mistake at first of reading everyone's experience on forums. It only fed my ocd and made me worse. Please anyone who is suffering from this terrible disease, seek treatment from an ocd therapist. I am in treatment now and am so grateful, researching online can just make the problem worse. Best of luck to anyone with this debilitating disease.
 
kat4900

kat4900

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Joined
Dec 20, 2019
Messages
19
Location
United States
Hello everyone, I too believe that I am suffering from harm OCD. I have struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. Not too long ago I was just sitting at my kitchen table and suddenly had a terrible thought that I might kill my family. I love my family so much and can't even begin to describe the pain I would feel if something terrible happened to them. Previosly violence was never something I was particularly sensitive too, but Iv'e always been an empathetic person. These thoughts of hurting my family havn't gone away and spread to the fear of harming anyone. I never believed my self to be a truely violent person. On a rational level I am aware I wouldn't have the moral ability or even probably the physical ability to harm someone, but the thoughts won't go away. My first instict when having these thoughts was to put myself into a psychiatric hospital to prevent myself from causing harm. I was not sure what was wrong with me for a while, and a part of me was scared to look for answers. Eventually I begin looking up being afraid of harming others and came across harm ocd. I never considered myself to be ocd mostly because I never identified my behaviors as compulsive. However discovering what this was made a world of sense of to me, mostly due to my history of anxiety. I also began to recognize my aviodence behaviors toward anything that reminded me of violence, as well as the mental compulsions I would do to make myself feel bettee. I wanted to speak on this fourm because I don't know anybody else who has gone through this. I plan on speaking to a thearapist soon, having an evaluation done, and hopefully getting medication. After identifying the issue I do admit to feeling a bit better, but I feel very alone with this. I've spoke to my mom about the possibility of me having ocd, and it's very apparent to almost anyone who knows me that I have anxiety, but this is the first time Iv'e disclosed these thoughts to anyone. I don't know how to explain it to people. I'm afraid of losing my friends and family because they will think I am violent. If someone could please give me advice how they were able to communicate thier problems to loved ones and built a support system I would very much appreciate it.
 
H

Hub

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Feb 6, 2020
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1
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Ny
I know what you mean. I have had evil thoughts toward my mother several times.
 
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