PTSD and loss

[MissKayz-x]

My names kaylie and im 17. im suffering a lot with mental health issues, ptsd being one of them and i also have psychotic depression, bpd and ocd.

i was sexually and physically abused by both my parents until i was taken into care when i was 13 (and pregnant with my first child). my little sister daisy died when i was 8 and she cant have been more than a month old. neither of my parents bothered with her and it was left to me and my brother to look after her and we had no idea. i do fully blame myself for her death and i have never really spoke about it to anyone.

then when i was 10, my brother cameron died in an accident (he was 12). he was my best friend, the only person in my world who geniunely cared about me and always had my back and i miss him so much. all we had was each other and then he was gone. never really talked about his death either.

and last of all, i had twin girls in july last year at 26weeks after they were dx with ttts and were really ill. i had a placental abruption and hemorraged and was in a coma for 3 weeks, during which my girls were really really ill, and i came round eventually only to be told beau wouldnt make it through the night and she died age 3 weeks. the anniversary is coming up and i dont know how im going to hack it.

i have flashbacks and voices in my head repeating all these things from my past. im scared to sleep at night because i know i will have nightmares and wake up a sobbing mess and feel worse than if id not slept at all. i shout, scream and cryin in my sleep and wake myself up. i wake up regularly during the night if i dont take sleeping pills and do manage to fall asleep, but usually i just sit there and think, and not sleep.

i dont even know where to start adressing things in my past. i have therapy and things but its stuck in there with a huge wall around it and needing some help breaking it down

 

[orange_sox]

I am so very sorry to hear of your losses

I'm affraid I don't have any answers, but as this post has been left unanswered, I wanted you to know that you are not alone. I have suffered loss in my life, of a child too as you can see in my signature, I understand the w
holeseft in your heart when someone who relied in you solely passes away, and the guilt that you feel, that consumes you following such a traumatic event.

If you ever need to talk feel free to send me a message xxx

 

[dib4uk]

Aww hon, you're trying to cope not with one thing but many things which are cause you major problems in life.


Tackle one thing at a time. My counsellor said to me that changes cant happen over night (thats what i want, to be changed NOW!) but, hon you can only do so much at a time, and be kind to yourself.

Surviving sex abuse is hard enough, but when you have other things to deal with sometimes it makes it harder.

 

[MissKayz-x]

Thanks. Yeah it is very hard. It was Beaus angel day on tuesday thats why i havent been on here in so long. Im just feeling awful and i dont know what to do with myself anymore..