PTSD and Flying Into the Sun

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Icarus

New member
Joined
Oct 29, 2018
Messages
2
#1
It's 3:30 in the morning. Couldn't sleep. Got myself my chamomile tea with sweetener and milk, and some ramen, because I'm too tired to fix myself anything else.

I'm going to tell you the brief version of my story.

I was a victim of emotional abuse as a child. My mother put me under an intense amount of pressure to be academic and the "smart child", and when I was diagnosed with depression at age 12, I was blamed for it. I was called a drama queen, attention-seeker, making things up, etc. because I was first depressed, and then anxious three or four years later. I never realized any of this at the time - and then at nineteen, looking through my journals from when I was young, I realized the truth. As I started putting the pieces together, I started remembering more of what was wrong - more injustices against the child who I was. I guess over the last three years, I just developed my PTSD, though I don't have any major flashbacks, and I'm not psychotic. I just get triggered without being sure why something was triggering, and it takes me time to realize that it was connected to how my mom treated me. I disassociated myself from her a little more than a year ago, and am only connecting with my dad in very short time.

Recently the stress of my job - which was manipulative and abusive to its employees in a different way - started affecting me, and I began displaying symptoms that my doctor nearly called manic. It was supposed to be fine; I was moving onto another job anyway, and I was taking the semester off to reevaluate my schooling. What's happened since then is the quitting from the first job, the loss of the new job, retreating onto disability, and looking at no new work until the new year. I wasn't sure what it was at first, but tonight it finally hit me. I'm a writer, and I'd been saddling my character with some pretty typical PTSD symptoms - and I realized that's what had been acting up. My PTSD.

When I realized, I was upset. I was mad at myself for not realizing it sooner, mad at my doctor for refusing to recognize what it was even after two sources have me down as with the disorder - I got so frustrated I had to resist breaking one of my two plates (I'm a bachelor, really) and had a crying fit because I was so frustrated I wanted to throw my phone across the room. I've felt isolated, abandoned, exhausted, and more in the past few months, and now recognizing that it's the PTSD that is getting worse is frustrating and terrifying. What's worse is that the medication that we've used to ease some of the previous symptoms is an antipsychotic -- so for me, it feels like there's very little wiggle room for this to stay at this juncture versus getting worse.

I just can't shake the feeling like I could've prevented this.

I know it's illogical, that this isn't my fault, but I don't know what to do. My counselor's trying to convince me to get into more social situations and events, but I don't want to - I'm scared to. I'm not very good socially, and I'm always scared of screwing up. And my finances are a wreck, too. I see my psychiatrist later this month, but now that I know what he's going to tell me, it feels like a waste. More medication, and then I'll really feel stupid for feeling so sick.

Even so, I don't know what to do with this, and I don't know what I can expect anymore. There's intense anxiety, a restless mind, bouts of depression, an urge to self-harm - and that's only two days. Just when I feel like I can escape it, it gets worse again. Today was supposed to be a GREAT day - and instead I had a meltdown.

So I guess my question is . . . what do I do now? Now that I've realized that this is the point my trauma has left me? I don't know enough about my own disorder to cope, and I certainly don't know how to take myself from on disability to onto my own two feet. And I can only hope that people here have advice - my friend, who referred me, said as much, and I want to believe in him and the people here. I have to believe in something.

If you got this far, thank you for reading. If you have advice . . . I could use anything right now.
 
Z

ziedite

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 11, 2013
Messages
273
Location
UK
#2
Hi Icarus.. first, let me commend you for the beautiful Greek mythology name and lesson... not many get that in this day and age... so I am so grateful and impressed.

I don't know what country you are in, but your words and writing are so eloquent and insightful into your own condition... and that tells me you get it at some level in your psyche.. We here in the forum are not experts, but can only give guidance and advice about what has worked for us in our lives. Seeing a therapist or psychiatrist is a good first step. What do you think would benefit you here?
 
U

Urban3344

Member
Joined
Mar 3, 2019
Messages
15
Location
Vancouver Washington
#3
I can relate to some of the things your going through there are some way big difference I don't have any words of advise just keep on keepien on but your not alone ish
 
V

varnskie

New member
Joined
Mar 5, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Indianapolis
#4
Icarus,

I hope that your days have turned around for the better. It’s interesting to give advice on a forum as I am new. My go to for my PTSD is reading. I’m not sure if there any articles that would pique your interests, but sometimes just reading about the issue rather than stewing in it, helps to distract me from it.
 
J

johnram

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 2, 2018
Messages
239
#5
Icarus,

I hope that your days have turned around for the better. It’s interesting to give advice on a forum as I am new. My go to for my PTSD is reading. I’m not sure if there any articles that would pique your interests, but sometimes just reading about the issue rather than stewing in it, helps to distract me from it.
Think this is a wonderful reply, and i find the same, i wish i knew i had cPTSD years ago....learning helps me
 
J

johnram

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 2, 2018
Messages
239
#6
Hi Icarus,

I have found there are many things that really help manage my cPTSD, e.g. working out - both intense and more gentle, sleeping better (i struggle here), journalling
there are things i also try but less well - meditation, breathing exercises, and just accepting things and zoning out a bit to TV (which i hate as i did it at the worst of my depressive periods)

Apologies, but i cant advise on your specific issue, but what i would say is, keep coming to these forums and engaging, it does help to understand your issues and being able to relate
 

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